May 29, 2010

"Grandpa, what's a milestone?"
"Well my little banana peel, it's a marker used to show how
far along the road you are. It's an actual stone or a sign with
a marker that shows how many miles you went. But it can
also be a metaphor. Like a milestone can be an important
event in a person's life... showing how far you've gone in
your own journey, like the day you were born, or your first
day in school, or the first time you cheered for the Oakland
Raiders, or the day you found out money don't grow on trees,
.... stuff like that."
"Well Grandpa, you old bookbook retard, Uncle Andrew went
diving yesterday... wasn't that a milestone for him?"
"Actually, technically speaking, that's a Guilao milestone."

Blasting Alex Trebek

"Grandpa, right about now, Naialii's not too smart, yeah?
I mean, just look at her."
"Yeah, she's just checking stuff out and she's learning,
but actually she ain't that smart right now."
"Grandpa, is she smarter than a doornail?"
"Oh yeah, she's smarter than a doornail, for sure."
"Grandpa, is she smarter than a tub of yogurt?"
"Oh yeah, she's a lot smarter than a tub of yogurt?"
"Grandpa, is she smarter than Alec Trebek?"
"Is she smarter than Alex Trebek? Who isn't?....."
"Ha Ha Ha! Grandpa, you crack me up."
"Namaile, if you take everything that Alex Trebek knows,
and multiply it by 45,000, that's how much smarter your
sister Naialii is than Ms. Trebek."
"Ha Ha Ha! Grandpa, you're retarded."
"Yeah, but not as retarded as Alex Trebek."

Chihuly not Gilooly

"Grandpa, I like coming to Tacoma and walking the
Gilooly Glass Museum Bridge."
"Yeah, well that's Chihuly Glass Museum. Jeff Gilooly is
Tonya Harding's husband. He's the guy who busted up
Nancy Kerrigan's knee. He don't have a glass museum.
But he might have a Knee Busting Museum."
"He might have a Knee Busting Museum? ....Ha Ha Ha,
Grandpa, you crack me up.

"Straw Mental? No, Straw Sensible"

"Grandpa,
check it out
...I got me
this cool
drink. Do
people ever
blast you
for getting
a foofoo
drink with
a straw? I
think that
there's no
other way
to drink this thing, right?"
"Oh yeah, people are always like, 'Hey mental,
why you got a straw? Just drink it like a normal
person.' Yeah, the straw makes it easier right?
Whenever I drink my Decaf Americano with
extra extra extra caramel sauce, I do the straw.
I don't listen to the Straw Snobs."
"Grandpa, you're the smartest Grandpa ever."
"Smart AND Sensible. Yes, thanks for noticing."

Sweet Doodoo

"Grandpa, who are these two knuckleheads?"
"The big one is yo mama, and the little one is your sister
Namaile. Yo mama is my baby and Namaile is my baby's baby."
"Grandpa, is it true what they say about baby's doodoos?
I hear that their doodoo smells kinda sweet. I mean, it's
all from my butt right? So how stinkin' sweet can it be?"
"Well my little bubushka... it's all relative. I mean, your
doodoo can't be as bad as your Grammy's."
"Ha ha Grandpa, you're talking stink about Grammy's doodoo."

Lumpia

"Grandpa, when you see Nai'ali'i all bundled up, what
do you think about?"
"I think about food. Maybe a nice breakfast burrito.
Or if it's afternoon, maybe a nice afternoon burrito.
I kind of like the California burrito with avocado and
sour cream. Actually, I don't think Mexicans really use
sour cream in their burritos but whatever. I also think
about lumpia. The best is the one that Aunty Enoy
makes. There's this one friend of ours that taught us
to make the lumpia kind of flat so that it's more oblong
than round. It fries faster. Why didn't I think of that?
Most people dip their lumpia in sweet and sour sauce.
But the native way is vinegar with garlic and black pepper.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm"
"Grandpa, are you looking at my baby sister and thinking
about food, for real?"
"I'm thinking it, I'm blogging it, I'm becoming one with it."

My Sister Nai'ali'i

"Grandpa, is Nai'ali'i gonna have her own blog?"
"Umm, I think so.... one of these days. You got a name?"
"Ahhh...yeah...how about 'My people are fertile'?"
"Yeah, sure....that's a possibility.... any other ideas?"
"Okay, you old half Visayan freak, check out my top 4:
1. My people eat dogs - the Sequel
2. My people squat when there's no chairs
3. My people put patis in their soup
4. My people mix their Ps and Fs.

May 12 - A Little After Midnight - Baby Time

"Grandpa, what's up with all the cheese?"
"Uh, I think the cheese is like WD-40 so the baby just slips out.
How else is THAT gonna come out of your mom's junk?"

"Grandpa, why is daddy so happy?"

"Cuz he saw your sister come out and he thought, 'Ouch. Glad none of

my orifice's were involved. Thanks honey for taking one for the team."

"Grandpa, look at my sister! I'm so happy she was born."

"Yeah, well remember this moment one day in the future when she

pees on your lap."

"Nuff already. Time fo go moi moi. I need to dream about Hawaii."

Before and After

1. Puppy Ikaika
2. Ikaika 3 years later

3. Baby Moani 1978

4. Moani's baby Namaile 2006

She Throws Like a Three Year Old

"Grandpa, do I throw like a girl?"
"Yes, but that's only cuz you're a girl."
"Grandpa, I don't think that's true. I'm pretty
sure I throw this way cuz I'm still a little girl.
I'm sure if you were to throw left handed,
you would probably throw like how I do. But
you've been playing baseball since you were
8 years old... and now you're really old... so
you've been throwing for a long long time. But
when I'm older, I'm gonna throw really good
cuz I'm gonna practice, I'm gonna play softball
with the gang and I'm gonna like the Mariners
and the San Francisco Giants cuz that's how I'm
gonna roll. So instead of saying that I throw like
a girl, you should say that I throw like a 3 year
old cuz when I'm 7 or 8 years old, I'm gonna throw
a fastball at your head... then what will you say?"

Ikaika's Vest

"Grandpa, check it out...I'm hanging out with Uncle Damian's dog,
Ikaika. He's a good boy. He looks big, but he's really a pussy cat."
"What's that mental dog wearing? A doggie vest? That's pathetic."
"Yeah, Uncle Teje bought it for him. Don't you like it, Grandpa?"
"No, animals shouldn't be wearing people clothes. If he was to go
walking around the neighborhood, the other dogs would be like,
'Hey Ikaika! Are you wearing a people vest? YOU IDIOT DOG!!
Take that thing off!! You're embarrassing all of the other dogs."
"Grandpa, what is your problem. It's just a vest on a dog. What's
up? Are you really that upset about Ikaika wearing a vest?"
"Well, I just don't think you should put clothes on your food,
that's all."

Four Uncles

"Grandpa, check it out, I'm with my four uncles...
Uncle Troy, Uncle Tyler, Uncle Andrew and Uncle Damian.
Which one is the most retardiest?"
"Well, that would have to be your Uncle Damian.
He's wearing a matching shirt and sweatshirt. The sweatshirt
is a picture of him covering his face, and his tee shirt under it
has a picture of him un-covering his face. So when his hoody
is zippered up, you see him with his hands covering his face,
but when you un-zip the sweatshirt ... there's his scary face."
"Yeah Grandpa, that is pretty mental."

Chillin' With Namaile's Sister

"Grandpa,
check it out
...I love my
baby sister
so much...
I can't wait
for her to be
born so that
I can talk to
her."
"Well, my
little Li Hing
Mui, you
really don't
have to wait
... you can
actually talk
to her right
now... here,
let me show
you....
'Hello my
little apo#2,
this is your
Grandpa
here...how's
it going in
there?'"
"Grandpa, it's really dark in here. Is it night time?"
"Yeah, it's gonna be night time for nine months....no worry,
when you come out, I'm gonna shine my gray hair on you."
"Grandpa, are you really retarded like how they say?"
"No, I don't think that I'm that retarded. So... anyway,
what's shakin' in there? You get to have any fun in there?"
"Yeah....um....I'm just hanging out with my after birth
right now.... and I get to punch my mom's stomach every
once in a while....Um, I get to eat once in awhile...but the food
comes in from this cord that's hooked up to my belly button
.... it tastes like whatever mom ate today... mmm .... Korean...
.... it's not so cool though whenever my mom flatulates...
it feels like an earthquake....WOH!...she just did it again."
"Umm, that wasn't your mom ... that was me ... did you
just feel that?"
"Ha ha ha ha ha Grandpa, your butt goes off, yo!"

Local Girls

"Grandpa, what's the dilio with local girls?"
"Well my little Zippy's Napple, local girls are cool cuz
they say anykine, they don't really give a rip. And they
get away with it cuz they typically have good intentions
and kind hearts. If you live in Hawaii and you hear them
speak, you don't give it a second thought. But if you move
away and hear them speak, it sounds like music. They
like to eat and drink and cook and play volleyball and
invite you to their house for party and grinds. They
make happy and good looking babies. They respect
old people and take care of grandmas and grandpas.
They like C&K, Kalapana and Gabby even if the music
was 20 years before they were born cuz that's the music
that their mom and dad listened to. And there's more
but this blog is already too long."
"Thanks Grandpa, you're the smartest."

Namaile and 2 Local Girls

"Grandpa,
how about
one of your
random
stories?"
"Ok, well,
I was in the
car earlier
today and
I heard a
song called
Moondance
by Van
Morrison
and it took
me back to
1976 or so
and we're
in Waikiki
watching
Country
Comfort...
so the band
goes and
takes a break, but Billy Kaui and Jim Freudenberg stays
on stage and just those two guys played the Beatles "For
No One" and Van Morrison's "Moondance"... just those 2
guys and their guitars. I don't even remember the rest of
the night, I thought that those 2 songs with just Billy Kaui
and Freudenberg was awesome. Sometimes, a song is best
when it's just stripped down with nothing but a guitar. But
when they played the Shell, Country Comfort opened for the
Eagles. As usual, the local boys were all loaded and Chucky
Lee the guitar player for Country Comfort was getting all
mental, he was on stage challenging the Eagles to a fight....
that's my random story and that's all I got to say about that."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvEONJoVeyA&feature=related

Spoons and Fans

"Grandpa,
check it out
...I got some
spoons on
my eyes so
that I can
look funny."
"Well, my
little Chitch
a Roney, I'm
proud of you
for trying to
act mental,
but it's even
better when
you try to look funny by actually trying to look cool."
"You retarded Visayan knucklehead, what does that mean?"
"Okay, you ever see female vocalists on TV who are singing,
and they get to the front of the stage and all of a sudden you
see that there's wind blowing their hair? The intent is that
they are looking cool, but in reality, they look mental cuz
they're in a STUDIO and there's a giant fan blowing their
hair. That's retarded."
"Grandpa, I think I'll stick with the spoons."

Pohtagees

"Grandpa, how come in Hawaii they make fun of the Portuguese?"
"Well my little raisin bran, people in Hawaii don't make fun of the
Portuguese.... they make fun of Pohtagees....there's a difference."
"What's the difference?"
"Well the Portuguese are people from Portugal. But the Pohtagees
are people from outer space. There's a gap between the ears that's
filled with a blend of emptiness and cheese. Their medulla oblangata
is disconnected from that blend which means that hilarity can ensue.
For instance, you are obviously not Portuguese cuz your dad is Irish
and your mom is Visayan Ilocano Chinese Hawaiian. But you are
apparently Pohtagee cuz you're facing your boogie board towards
the waves.... most people will face the other way to catch the wave."
"Oh thanks Grandpa, you da smartest."

Sand, They Had to Go

"Grandpa, how come the beaches in Hawaii is so different
from the beaches over there where you live in San Diego?"
"Well, my little root beer float...the beaches in San Diego
has dirtier water than Hawaii cuz the fishes in Hawaii don't
make a lot of doo doo and shee shee...compared to mainland.
And the sand in San Diego feels more like dirt cuz no more
sand. That's why they call the place San Diego. It was really
called "Sand, They had to Go" and later it was shortened
to "Sand They Go" and now it's just "San Diego".
"Wow Grandpa, you're the smartest Grandpa in the world."

Nobody Betta Take My Passo-Guava!

"Grandpa,
what's this
huge thing?
It looks like
a gigantic
watermelon
or maybe
it's a huge
passo-guava
fruit?"
"Yeah, that
is for real a
passo-guava
fruit, or it
might be a
lilikoi-passion
fruit on a big
lilikoi-passion
tree. That's
where Hawaii
Sun get their
juice from. A
little bit of
that and a
little bit of
high fructose
corn syrup...
which they
get from high
fructose corn syrup trees. Yup, that's what it is."
"Grandpa, how come this lilikoi passion fruit has
somebody's name on it?"
"Um, well many animals like to mark their territory
by making shee shee on em. But this fruit is a little
bit too high, so just bust out the sharpie and write
their name, or else somebody going grab em, an den."

Happy Butts

"Grandpa, why is it so fun to go the beaches in Hawaii?"
"Well my little bran muffin, beaches in Hawaii is fun cuz
when the water touches you on a hot day, it makes your
butt happy."

"Grandpa, can your butt really be happy if it touches water?"

Three Theories

"Grandpa,
check it out
...I think my
Aunty Sand
likes it when
I massage
her. Why is
it that when
people get
massages,
they really
like it?"
"Well I got
a theory
about that... Massages are good cuz when a person gets
one, it makes their muscles happy.....Yeah...that's my
theory. But massages are also good for the person that
is giving the massage cuz it makes them happy that the
person that's getting massaged is getting happy muscles.
That's my theory.... I know, it's pretty deep. Erbody is
happy and that's all there is you need to know."
"Grandpa, what's Rolfing?"
"Rolfing? Oh, well I got a theory about that too. Rolfing
is when you eat too much and the only way you can fit
your clothes again is by rolfing......'ROLF! ROLF!'"
"Grandpa, what is Shiatsu?"
"Shiatsu? Oh, well I got a theory on that too. Shiatsu is
what you say when somebody is giving you deep tissue
massage........'Ayyyyyyyyy....SHEEE...atSUUUUUUUU'.
That's 3 theories in one blog. BA BAM!!!"

Stereo

"Grandpa,
check it out,
this doggie's
name is fun.
His name is
Stereo. Why
is his name
Stereo?"
"Well my
little pie, I
think that
people like
to give their
dog names
that remind
them of stuff
that they like.
Maybe they
like music. I
once heard a
guy name his
dog Max...I'm
pretty sure
that he likes
his music loud.
Once I heard
a guy named
his dog D-O-G.
He actually pronounced the three letters D, then O, then G.
I think he liked to spell things a lot. One time he told me
that his D-O-G had to go outside to P-E-E. He could've got
by with just the P, and leave out the E and the other E.
A guy I know has a dog named Spot. The guy's incontinent."
"Grandpa, did you ever have a pet dog?"
"I only had one dog in my life. That was when I was a high
school sophomore. I named him Rufus....cuz I thought it
sounded cool. But I don't know what ever happened to him."
"Grandpa, you don't know what happened to him? Ha Ha Ha.
Grandpa, you crack me up."

Random

"Grandpa, is it cool or retarded to be random?"
"I think I helped you build a snowman in January."
"Grandpa, so I guess the answer is ... 'retarded'."

Queen

"Grandpa, what's
up with Queen?"
"Well, that was
like 40 years ago,
but they had good
stuff. Most people
like Bohemian
Rhapsody, but
my favorite song
was You're My
Best Friend."
"What is it when
you see a band
and the lead
singer is gone,
and they got
some other guy
singing lead? I
mean Freddie
Mercury died
right? But once
in a while these
old bands play
concerts without their main guy. It's not the same huh?"
"Nah, it's like Kalapana without Mackey or Olomana
without Robert Beaumont or Booga Booga without Rap
Replinger. It's all bogus without those guys."
"Grandpa, who are those guys anyway?"
"Yeah, right.....who are those guys....."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8XWa4POv_A

Another Plus About Living in the Islands

"Grandpa, I like how in Hawaii you can just walk around
in your panties and slippahs."
"Yeah, well that's good till you're a certain age."
"And then, what is acceptable attire at that point?"
"Depends."

Pretty Inside is the Important Pretty

"Grandpa, what do you think about my dress? It's pretty, yeah?"
"Oh yeah, it's very pretty. But the what's on the outside isn't as
important as what's on the inside."
"Grandpa, what does that mean?"
"That means that if you're a pretty girl and you're wearing a
pretty dress, but you are disrespectful...ungrateful...unthankful...
mean to other people...then you aren't pretty 'inside'. That's the
important pretty. Cuz sometimes you won't have a pretty dress
to wear, and you won't have a pretty flower in your hair ... then
what? It won't matter cuz people will think you're a pretty girl
for the things you say and do, not for the things you wear."
"What are you? Dr. Phil?"
"Yeah, Dr. Phil Apino."
"Ha ha ha! Grandpa, you're a retard."

Fake Smiles for the Camera ... La Di Dah

"Grandpa, how come some people always smile nice for the
camera? Whenever the photographer says, 'Smile', I get
nervous cuz I know my smile is gonna look fake."
"Yeah, I got the same problem. When you smile for a picture
it's never as good as when you're smiling cuz you're thinking
of something that's smile-worthy. That's why if I know I have
to smile for a picture, I think of something funny. But if you
only got a second or two, you can't always think of something
funny. So sometimes, in my head, I say to myself, 'Doo Doo'."
"Grandpa, does that always work?"
"Nah, not really. But at least I get to say, 'Doo Doo' in my head.
Another trick I try is to actually visualize something stupid.
Like a stupid TV show or a stupid commercial. But once again,
it takes time for that commercial to develop in my brain, and
by that time the photographer already snapped his camera.
And so once again, I got a stupid fake smile on a picture."
"Grandpa, do you actually stress over your fake smiles?"
"No, not really... I've just accepted the fact that 99% of my
pictures will have a fake smile and I'm not gonna look like
one of those guys that know how to smile right. La di dah."

Banana Pancakes

"Grandpa, you old Filipino knucklehead, check
out my pancakes! Is this the best you ever saw?"
"It looks pretty good, but the best pancakes
is the pancakes that your old Grandpa makes."
"How do you make your pancakes, Grandfool?"
"Okay, here's how to do it:
Get some Costco pancake mix in the big blue bag.
Mix it with water and mashed bananas. If you
got some frozen blueberries, you can throw some
in there. If you got some crushed pineapples you
could throw them in there too. Then fry it till it
looks as brown as your Grandpa's butt. Then after
you put lots and lots of butter, you can pour some
coconut syrup on it. If you don't got no coconut
syrup, then some Mrs. Butterworth or real maple.
And that's how I roll."
"Grandpa, you're the smartest bookbook in the world."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_BoZ_Qdyl0&feature=related

Ilocanos Ken Dilis Ti Diyay! Mangan Tayon!

"Grandpa,
what is dilis?
It looks like
fish but it's
super small
... is it baby
fish?"
"Well my
little haole
girl, dilis is
fish, but it's
not baby
fish, that's
about as
big as it's gonna get. They make
good pupus - which is Hawaiian
talk for 'hors d'oevers'."
"Grandpa, if that little fish could
talk, what would he say?"
"Well, about a week ago, it was
probably saying something like,
'Hey brah, no catch m......aw crap!'
And then a couple of days later, he
said, 'Hey brah, no put flour all
over me and den........aw crap!'
And then yesterday, he was most
likely saying something like, 'Hey
brah, no cook me and make me all
crispy and den...........aw crap!"
And then today he saw you holding
him and then he said, 'Hey little
girl, no eat me and den...aw crap!'"

I'll Stay Up All Night to Hear About Your Day

"Grandpa, you
old and retarded
knucklehead...
is it hard to write
songs?"
Well, my little
bowl of Ginataan,
it's super hard,
and the hardest
part is saying, 'I
love you' without
the actual lyrics,
'I love you.' Back
in the old days,
songwriters
would always
have the words
'I love you' in
their songs, but
you hardly see
that nowadays.
It's almost kind
of corny to say
the phrase, 'I love you'. It takes a little more skill
to write a song which describes or defines someone's
love than it is to actually use that phrase."
"Grandpa, is that the same thing when a parent gets
older? When they have a little baby and they grow
into a little kid, the dad always says, 'I love you'. But
when the kid becomes an older teenager or young
adult, the dad doesn't say it as much. What's up with
that? Why do dads not say 'I love you' to their kids
so much when they're older?"
"I guess I really am old and retarded."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBc0Df_RQ5c

She's Having It and She's Eating It

"Grandpa, do you like cake?"
"Oh um yeah, I like to have my cake and eat it too."
"What is the meaning of that popular English idiomatic proverb?"
"Well my little bulaklak, it's like somebody who wants something
more than they deserve... or somebody trying to have two things
that aren't even compatible. Sometimes people will say, 'You can't
have it both ways' or 'You can't have the best of both worlds'."
"But Grandpa, you Visayan Nerf Ball, why can't you have the best
of both worlds? Why can't somebody have a TV and watch it too?
Or why can't somebody have a car and drive it too? Or why can't
somebody have a pet dog and eat it too?"
"NOW, you're talking. I like how you think."

Pretty Girl

"Grandpa, am I
pretty? Cuz I
hope I am."
"Oh yeah, you're
super pretty, in
fact, you're about
as pretty as your
mom, your Aunty
Mahina and your
Grammy."
"That's good cuz
it's important to
be pretty right?"
"Well here's my
theory on that...
if you were to
take a pretty girl
and next thing
you know, she's
puffing on a
cigarette, all of a
sudden she's not
so pretty. It's like
those tabloids and
you see these so-called beautiful actresses and singers,
but they're doing all these stupid things, and they're
not so pretty after you see all that. But then again, if
you take somebody like Ruth, and she's pledging her
love and loyalty to Naomi and saying the lovingest
things to her, I'm not sure how she looks, but the stuff
she does makes her like the prettiest girl in the world.
So if you turn into a bratty little brat, then you won't be
so pretty to me after awhile. I mean, I'll still love you
but your prettyness won't be as much as it is right now."
"Don't worry Grandpa, I won't turn bratty."
"That's good, cuz if you do, I'm gonna call you 'Thelma'."
"Thelma? Ha Ha! Grandpa, you crack me up."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReVLjDc5ExQ

Shake It Like a Polaroid Picture

"It Tastes Like Strawberries"

"Grandpa, how come you and Grammy are wearing scarves?"
"By the Lumps of Tigers! I was hoping nobody would notice.
As a general rule, your Grandpa don't like scarves, I hate it
most when guys wear 'em when it ain't even cold. They're
only wearing em cuz they're 'accessorizing'. Here, I'm not
accessorizing, I'm wearing one cuz the snow was going down
my neck.....Which reminds me of an old nursery rhyme:

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
cuz he was wearing a stinkin' scarf."
"Grandpa, are you retarded?"

Wool Scarves by 8 Year Old Chinese Kids

"Grandpa, you old and retarded chimpanzee, who invented
playing in the snow with old tires? That was a good idea."
"Well my little snow kitty kat, I'm pretty sure it was some
Bla-lah that came to the mainland for his first winter. He
saw all the people with skis and snowboards and he was like,
'Ho brah, I wish I had some snowboard and stuff. How much
is one of those snowboards anyway?' And then the mainland
guy said, 'Hey Bla-lah, those boards are about 100 bucks each.
But you also need boots, bindings, snow clothes, IPOD, gloves,
beanie, I-Phone, designer earphones, Rayban goggles, a wool
scarf with plaids sewed by an 8 year old Chinese kid that the
Jonas Sisters like to wear, and a Caramel Machiatto with triple
shot.' And so the Bla-lah said, 'Hey, how about that spare tire
you got on your van? Can or what? Tanks bruddah."

HOWZIT BRAH

"Grandpa, what's the story with the Shaka sign?"
"I use it whenever I say 'Hi" or "Bye" to somebody.
Or if somebody lets you in his lane, you can use it to
say 'Thanks Brah for letting me in your lane'. You can
also use it if you wanna give somebody a high five but
he's a little too far away...you can give him this instead.
It's also useful in the old Hawaiian knock knock joke:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Me ma.
Me ma who?
Then make da shaka sign."
"Grandpa, you're so smart."

Little Snowman and Lazy Twinkle Twinkle La La La

"Grandpa, you Ilocano Visayan orangatang! What's the most
laziest things you ever seen?"
"Well my little snowbunny, here's my list of the top 10:

1. Randy Moss when he played for the Raiders.
2. Your uncles when it comes to cleaning their mess.
3. Me after I went to an all-you-can-pig-out restaurant.
4. Most of the employees here at Snoqualmie.
5. That little snowman right there. He's super lazy."

"Grandpa, didn't you make him, and didn't you make
him small cuz, in fact, you're too lazy to make a big one?"
"Yeah whatever....and by the way, wassup with the
way you sang 'Twinkle Twinkle'? Don't know the words?"
"Yeah, but it's easier to sing 'La la la la la la la.'"

Okolelani

"Grandpa, what would you name a baby girl?"
"By the Wax of Jessica! Why would you ask?"
"Ummm cuz I just wanna know what names are out there."
"Well, my little pie, I like your name, but that's already
taken. I like to not go with a common name. Your aunty's
name is Mahina. Not a common name. It's a Hawaiian
name that means Moonlight. Your mom's name Moani
means Fragrant Gentle Breeze. And your name means
Maile leis. But if I had to pick a name for a baby girl,
I would probably go with Okolelani which means
Heavenly Okole. Yup....that would be a good name."

Conundrum

"Grandpa,
sometimes
do things
bother you?"
"What'r you
talking bout?
Have you
been watching
Family Guy
again?"
"No, I was
just thinking
how Belle is
able to fall
in love with
this grotesque
Beast guy....
I mean, what
is that mess
all about???
Is that even
possible?
Cuz if it's on
Disney, it's got to be for real, right?"
"By the sweat of Whitney! That stuff is just movie crap.
In real life, Belle would have got on her I-phone and
called 911. Then the SWAT team would've taken Beast
down. Garson would be with his mahu boyfriend. Belle's
dad would be playing small roles on B movies, and all of
those talking clocks and teacups would be in Goodwill."
"Yeah, but what about the 'falling in love' with a beast part?
Is that possible? Is it possible to see the inner beauty in
somebody and block out the physical ugliness of that guy?"
"It's one of those 'conundrums'. Everytime I see a pretty
girl with an ugly guy, I think, 'that guy must not be ugly'."

Aunty Maylani

"Grandpa, who are these funny people?"
"Oh, that's your mom."
"No, you Filipino knucklehead, these other two."
"Oh that's Uncle Tucker and Aunty Maylani."
"Grandpa, what kine of name is Maylani?"
"Well, my little mochi ball,, it's kind of like a
Hawaiian name, but not really. There's a lot of
Hawaiian names that end in 'lani'. Like Leilani and
Hualani and Noelani and Mahulani. The reason is
when you put 'lani' at the end of a name, it means
'heavenly'. Like Leilani is 'heavenly lei'. And Noelani
is 'heavenly mist'. Mahulani of course means
'heavenly mahu'."
"So Grandpa, what is Maylani?"
"What choo tink? Heavenly month of May."
"Oh..............................................Um..........okay."
"Good thing she wasn't born in February."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws70oI3yMBc

"Tough Question Easy Question"

"Grandpa,
you old and
retarded
knucklehead
... I gotta ax
you this....
Is it rain if
it's not falling?
I mean, if it's
still a part of
the cloud, is
it called rain?
Or is it rain
only if it's on the way down?"
"By the beard of Ilsa! If it's still on the cloud, then
it's cloud. If it's falling down, then it's rain."
"But Grandpa, at some point the raindrop will break
away from the cloud and become a raindrop, right?"
"Yeah, so at some point, it's cloud, and then a millisecond
later when it separates itself from the cloud, it's rain."
"Grandpa, you Visayan orangatang, there's a millisecond
when the raindrop separates from the cloud, but it's not
falling...it's almost like it's floating, right before it falls, yeah?"
"Um.............................................................yeah?"
"Grandpa, if you mix yellow with red, do you get orange?"
"Well, most certainly, that would be a definite YES!"