"Hey! You Got A License.....For Those Cannons?"

"Little girl,
I feel like I
must warn
you of the
dangers of
taking crap
like 'roids
n creatine."
"Ok, but
why old
guy with
hair of gray?"
"Well, I'm
just checkin'
out your
delts and I'm
just assuming
you're all
juiced up."
"Hey, WTC?
Do I assume
you live in a
zoo cuz you're
a Visayan
Orangatan?
Do I assume
you're tone
deaf cuz of
the way you sing?
Do I assume you eat dogs cuz you lived in Olongapo?
Well....Yes, Yes and Yes! So Chillax before I give you
a forearm shiver, you Eater of Quaker Oats!"
"Um, another side effect of creatine is extreme Snap
and premature hot flash....just lettin' you know."

Rule # 467: Jasmine Is NOT Guilao Rice

"Grandpa,
do you smell
what I smell?"
"Yah, wait a
minute...what
is that? Is it
Jasmine rice?
Don't tell me
that some
knucklehead
bought some
Jasmine rice
cuz I'm gonna
snap if that's
what I smell."
"Grandpa, I think it's Jasmine. How come? Don't these
people know that you only sposed to eat Calrose sticky?"
"By the Shankers of Ravi, I'm GONNA EXPLODE if
that's Jasmine...Somebody, Get me the number for 911
cuz we're gonna need an ambulance RAT ABOUT NAH!!

"Hey! What About An Altoid Next Time?"

"Grandpa, who
invented kissing?"
"Anthropologists
believe that kissing
began when mothers
would chew their food
and then pass the
chewed up food from
their mouth to their
baby's mouth."
"Do you believe that?"
"No, anthropologists
are usually full of crap.
Actually, about 3,000
years ago the ancient
Bookbooks in Kalihi
saw their 'Switharts'
and told them to come
close and when they
did, the Book pushed
his lips onto her hairdo
and took a big whiff.
Then he said, "Hey,
you smell like lechon"
which used to be a
compliment. In time,
kissing would occur
between everybody
who liked to smell
lechon...including kids,
spouses, and babies
like you. Especially
cute granddaughters
like you. Kissing is
cool cuz it releases
oxytocin which is a
hormone which causes
a good feeling. Actually
you can get that same
good feeling simply by having a couple of cold ones. Or if you
prefer something a little starchier, may I suggest Johnny
Walker Black. Don't forget though, nothing is better than
a good kiss to the head and then follow it with a strong whiff."
"Better than J.Walker Black, my crazy Filipino Man-Monkee?"
"Yah, just barely."

Locals In Da Mainland

"Grandpa,
how come
get plenty
locals in the
mainland?"
"Well my
cute little
creamsicle,
one reason
is cuz in the
mainland
you get to
wear all
the sweaters
you get in your closet.
In Hawaii, if you wear a sweater you look like a retard
cuz it's so hot over there. But in the mainland, it's natural
to wear 'em cuz it's so stinking cold and den. And of course
sweaters are cool cuz they flatter you."

"If You Want To Destroy My Sweater, Hold This Thread As I Walk Away...."

"Grandpa, what's your
most favorite song of
all time?"
"Well, it's hard to pick
just one. It's hard to
even pick a top ten.
Maybe I can name 100
songs that I like."
"Well, gray haired
orangatan, how do you
decide on them? Do you
go by melody, or lyrics
or a time that you were
in your life when the
song came out?"
"Well, my little asker
of questions...maybe it's
a little bit of all 3 of them
things. Like any James
Taylor song from the
70's means a lot to me
cuz of the time... and he
writes good melodies,
and his lyrics are often
genius. Your mom and
all your uncles and aunt
know all the lyrics to his
stuff. But I couldn't name
just one of his songs. But
I would say if I had to
pick one album, it would
probably be 'Gorilla'.
Any stuff from Kalapana,
C & K, Olomana, Gabby,
Peter Moon or Sunday
Manoa, that was all good
stuff. I'm not sure if any
of the stuff that's come
out recently can compare
with my music...Motown
from the 60's and 70's,
Beatles, that's what I call
music.... but by comparison,
I would say that the stuff
today is all crap."
"Well, Grandpa, you know
there is some good stuff
today."
"No...what good stuff are
you talking about?"
"I like it when you
or Uncle Troy and
Andrew or Aunty
Mahina play some
stuff on the guitar
or uke or mandolin.
Even if you're off like
you are right now...
Play me something whimsical, you old Visayan Ape."

"No, I Already Said That Makes You a 'Panty'"

"Grandpa, are you
a crybaby?"
"By the Dogs of
Jezebel, what kine
of question is that?"
"Well I was just
wondering cuz I
seem to cry a lot
and I was thinking
maybe it's in my
blood...so are you?"
"Well my little red
hibiscus, I cry when
I'm watching a K
drama and somebody
dies, which I suppose
is every K drama.
I also cry whenever
I see Willis Reed hit those
2 jumpers in the 7th game of the 1970 NBA Finals. So, I
don't know. Does that make me a crybaby?"
"No, actually that makes you a panty, my old and gray Tata."
"Well did you know that I already wrote 3 songs for you?"
"Yes, my frizzled old monkee. You wrote Grandfather's Lullaby,
Hey There Namaile, and She Is My Sunshine."
"Yah, well when I wrote and sang those the first couple of times,
I cried. So does that make me a crybaby too?"

"Oh, I Don't Know...How About 'ANGER'?"

"Grandpa,
can you tell
me a poem?"
"Ok my little
sweet potato
....Jack and
Jill went up
the hill to
fetch a pail
of water.
Jack fell
down and
broke his
crown and
Jill came
tumbling after."
"Grandpa, if you were a Japanese cup company, and you put
a picture of Jack and Jill on your cup, and they were both falling
down the hill, and you drew that on your cup that you would
like to sell to millions of Japanese kids, what word would you
put on that cup?"

It's GLASS That Looks Like GRASS You Knucklehead!

"Grandpa, what
is Pet Glass?"
"Well, my little
corn beef hash,
Pet Glass is...
um....try wait,
Pet Glass, hmm
did you say
Pet Glass or
Pet Grass?"
"Old deaf ear
Filipino man,
I said Pet Glass."
"Well, Pet GRass
is grass that small
pets play with.
They put 'em on
plates and pretend
they going eat 'em
but really they not cuz the grass is just pets.
Now on the other hand, Pet GLass....um......"

2 Girls....2 Dreams

Isabella's
dream:
playing in
the park,
going down
the slide
and sitting
in a sandbox
eating oreos
and looking
at birds...
Namaile's
dream:
playing in
the park, going down the slide and sitting in a sandbox
eating oreos and looking at birds. And then Grandpa
walks in with Catherine Zeta Jones and starts to play
his banjo the theme from Beverly Hillbillies. And then
Catherine Zeta is like, "Hey little girl, waddya think
about that Zorro movie I made? Ha Ha Ha Ha! Antonio
Banderas is such a knucklehead." Then Grandpa is like,
"C'mon little girl, we gotta go now... Grandpa's gonna
take you to Salu-Salu Grille and get a grippa Bookbook
food. Kalding Kaldareta! Zoweee! Zoop Zoop a Doop!
Catherine Zeta, you can drive my Jag."

Sup Shawty...Yo I Gots da Bounce

"If I'm ridin'
down the
street, doin'
d' Bankhead
Bounce, and
I got more
bounce to the
weigh to the
ounce... If I
bounce down
I bounce up,
Bankhead
yah wass up?
Well this my
pinky, this my thumb...
Bankhead bounce Donkey Kong."

She Is My Sunshine

(namaile, a blue pail,
and an old song... )

you are my sunshine
my only sunshine
you make me happy
when skies are gray

you'll never know dear
how much I love you
please don't take
my sunshine away ...

the other day dear
when you were playing
i saw you holding a little blue pail
you got all wet then
you started laughing
please don't take my sunshine away

when you grow up dear
please don't forget me
i used to hold you in my arms
when you get married
i'm still your grandpa
please don't take my sunshine away

when you get married
you'll have a baby
she'll be just like you and your mom
she'll be so pretty
and really funny
please don't take my sunshine away

"You Got a Point There Little Bunny Rabbit!"

"Grandpa, is it cooler for me to have a lot of brothers or a lot of
sisters?" "Well, my cute little bunny rabbit, if you had 3 brothers,
they would protect you...they would have some cute friends you
could stare at while they're napping on the sofa drunk...and they
will carry all your heavy stuff. But if you had 3 sisters, you could
borrow their clothes, you could borrow their shampoo, and you
could stare at their cute boyfriends/husbands while they're passed
out drunk on the sofa. So I guess the answer is 'I don't know'".
"Actually, mentally deranged and often confused old man, if I had
3 sisters, I can laugh and act all mental with them a little more
than if I had 3 brothers. We can imitate people we know and mock
them, we can do this while wearing pajamas and not caring if our
legs our crossed or not. We can write emails and blogs and comment
on blogs, guys don't do that stuff. So...I think 3 sisters is better."

"By The Grip of Thelma!"

"Grandpa,
what does
it mean if
I'm always
irritated?"
"Well, my
little slice
of custard
pie, it's a
sign that
you're just
like your
Grandma."
"Yah, but
people are
always like
touching
me and
kissing me
'n smelling
me and
stuff."
"Yah it can
happen a
lot on the
Bus. Just
take it as a
compliment
...people like
babies...so
just go with
the flow..."
"Is that how
you handle
whenever
people smell
you and kiss
you, my old
and decrepid
Visayan Ape?"
"By the Grip
of Thelma!,
people usually gotta buy me dinner first. Then they
can smell and kiss all they want...I just wouldn't smell
my hands after eating green mango and bagoong."

Yes, I Suppose I Am

"Grandpa,
what can
you tell me
about love?"
"Well my
sweet little
puka shell,
when I was
young, I
felt it was
important
that any
future wife
didn't have
an Adam's
apple."
"No, my bespectacled Ape of a Book, what I mean is
How do you know if she's the one?"
"Well your Grandma had a little yellow Volkswagen.
Of course she crashed it and broke her leg...so that
wasn't a good thing. But she later bought a Toyota
Corona...so that was good. I guess you could say that
Love is having a Toyota Corona."
"But why did you guys get together?"
"Well, I think it's obvious why she picked me...but as
for me, there was so many guys after her, I thought
if I didn't marry her, somebody else would have and
that would have made me sick some time in the future...
I would be looking at them and saying, 'Oh crap, I could
have had that!'"
"Wow Grandpa, you're so romantic."

"Hey Old And Gray Ilocano Man...."

"Hey Old and
gray Ilocano
Man, would
you like to
see me do a
couple of
impressions?"
"Ok, my cute
and sweet
little mango
slice, show
Grandpa a
couple of your
impressions."
"Ok, this first
one is my
impression of
you when you
are driving on
I-5 freeway."
"Very good,
my princess."
"And my next
impression is
of you at an
Assembly at
some point in
the afternoon."
"By the dew of Herman, you are a Genius! I'm gonna
buy me an organ and give you a leash and a cup my
little Haole Bookbook Chinese Kanak monkee-girl."

Sarcasm My ( ! )

"Hey, Old
man with
hair of salt
and pepper,
how do you
feel about
emoticons?"
"Well, by
the hair of
Gideon, let
me tell you
how I feel
about them...
I feel :) and
I also feel
very &-) too. My <3 is just overflowing
with ;-] and %~}. If I could, I would kick myself
in the ( ! ) if I found myself using these as much
as some people do. Why? Because I'm filled with
<3 and actually overflowing with <3 when it's
overused."
"Grandpa, that's sarcasm, right?"

Wacko!

"Grandpa,
which of the
Animaniacs
was funnier?
Yacko or
Wacko?"
"I liked
Wacko cuz
he had a
British
accent for
no reason.
Having an
accent for no reason is crazy.
I think so he could sound like Ringo.
That was stupid funny. So when
Stewie has an accent, it's only cuz Wacko did it first.
And Wacko used to stick his tongue out for no reason,
just like you, my little Hostess Ding Dong."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KA0TS9l_nJE

Billy Goat? Mangan Tayon!

"Grandpa,
you wanna
pet the
billy goat?"
"Pet the
billy goat?
No, I like
EAT the
billy goat.
Like my
kababayan
from Paoay
always say,
'Eets not
caldareta
ip it's not
Kal-DING! Na imas Barok!'"

Another Health Tip From My Little Genius

"Uh-oh...
Grandpa,
we're at
an angle."
"It's cool
my little
chewer of
nails. But
do me a
favor and
stop that
chewing
of your
nails. If
you keep that up, you're gonna have stubby fingers."
"But I can't help it Grandpa, it's a habit I can't stop."
"Well here's what I did when I was young. Somebody
told me to put fingernail polish on my nails. And if that
didn't work to put White-Out on top of the polish."
"Is that how you stopped, my old and gray Orangatan?"
"Nah...I didn't stop until I started tasting some funky
stuff and then I looked really close and I saw some
fungus and stuff in my nails and then I told myself,
'Duh...nails has fungus and crap in it'."
"Grandpa, why don't you do what I do and just wash
your hands occasionally?"

"Way to Mis-Apply Another One, Old Man!"

"Grandpa,
what's the
scoop on
bottled
water? Is
that a scam
or what?"
"Well my
little crack
seed, I read
that a lot of
bottled H20
comes from
regular tap
water. Yes, they do filter it, but c'mon, $1.50 for a
liter? That's kind of irritating to me cuz I read that
we can 'drink life's water free'."

Ha Ha! They're Coming Back To Sing Again! Ha Ha!

"Grandpa! You
know at the end
of a concert when
the band is done
and they walk
off the stage....
are they done?"
"Actually, my
little Salt Water
Taffy, they're
not done. They
want you to
keep clapping
and yelling and
whistling and
stuff so that
they'll come
back out again.
What it is really, is that they want you to beg for them.
'Oh please come back and sing one more pathetic song...
I'm gonna keep clapping until you guys come back out'
is what they want you to do. It's kind of lame when the
people don't really clap that much but they still come out
anyway. Then you can mock them...'HaHa, I didn't clap
that much but you knuckleheads came back out anyway!'"

"What About Funky Cold Medina?"

"Grandpa,
what does
it mean to
have a
Starbucks'
name?"
"Well, my
Gummy
Worm, a
Starbucks'
name is a
name you
use when
you go to
Starbucks. When the girl asks you for your name,
you never give your real name. It's fun time and
you can pick any name you want. Like your Aunty
Mahina's Starbucks' name is 'Waverly'. And your
old Gray Haired Monkee's name is either 'Guadalupe'
or 'Carlos'."
"Grandpa, can I have a Starbucks' name too?"
"Yah, I guess so....but we gotta think of a name that
matches you...something that nobody else got..."

"Is He For Real? Filipino Please"

"Little girl,
let me tell
you a nice
little story...
When your
Grandpa was
younger, way
back in the
seventies, I
used to surf
with Buttons,
Gerry, and
Eddie. You
know how
they say 'Eddie would go'? Well, your Grandpa went too.
One time I was at Point Panic, it was 90 feet and glassy.
When I wen look, the wave was coming at me, I knew my eggs
was headed for da big omelette in the sky. I was choking
underneath the water and I can only think of mah honey,
Fate Yanagi. And in the foaming mercilous sea, I called out
to her, "Help, Fate Yanagi, I love you"."
"Grandma, What? Is Grandpa for real or what?"

Yah, It Makes Knucklehead Sense

"Grandpa, are
you a Tata?"
"Why do you
ask my little
Lee hee mui?"
"Well, I'm just
looking at how
you dress...You
got a nice Aloha
Shirt on but you
got on some
bust-up shorts
and slippahs.
I can't believe
you wore that
at a party."
"Well, my little
Reeses peanut
butter cup, you
will find that being from Hawaii is pretty much a license to dress
anykine. I'm sorry that I'm embarassing you. You will find that it
is something I will do a lot as you grow older. And yes, It's true
that I am a Tata, which is Ilocano for Lolo, but you will find that
people expect you to dress anykine...if you're from Hawaii.....
does that make sense to you?"

I Think You Got Bats In Your Bell Free

"Grandpa,
why do you
feed me crap
like pizza n
stuff li'dat?"
"Well my
little chiclet,
as a matter
of fact, your
old and gray
Grandpop's
got the 4
basic food
groups right
cheeyah...check it out: we got grain in the crust,
protein in the pepperoni, vegetable in the onion
and bell pepper, and fruit in the tomato and
pineapple. So actually my little granddaughter,
your old man hooked you up with some righteous
vitamins and minerals and stuff. What you think
about that?"

What? You Like Beef?

"Grandpa, what
else do you find
irritating?"
"Well, my little
Azuki Bean, I
can't stand it
when people
make me a CD,
and then they
"jokingly"put in
3 seconds of a
totally retarded
song and then
immediately
follow it with a
good song. It's
"supposed to be
funny" but after
you listen to it for the millionth time, it's not "funny"
but it's really 'irritating' and you wish they just played
the good song and left off the "funny" 3 seconds of crap.
What about you little girl, what's irritating to you?"
"I think it's irritating that you put quotation marks
on the words that you're stressing. It insults me that
you feel obligated to "point" these words out to me, as
if a 14 month old girl is not able to do it herself. I'm 14
months old, I'm not "retarded".

Make the Parflays Dance Silver Moose Is Barkley

"Grandpa, what's
the worst accent
you ever heard?"
"Well my little
Almond Joy, that
depends....some
accents are funny
and some are just
irritating....Like
Pepe Le Pew is
funny, but some
knucklehead who
just moved to
Hawaii and talks
with a very very
strong Pidgin is
irritating. "
"What about
bookbooks, Old Man with death breath?
Is that funny or irritating?"
"Well my little soaker of pamps, that is
always funny. Mixing up the P's and F's
is ridiculous. The fact that they are able
to make those P and F sounds show that
they are CAPABLE of doing it right. And
yet, VWA-LAH!- all jam up. Also funny
is how their accent when talking is bad
but when they sing, the English is perfect.
There is one exception though.....
KeysMeVideo

Eat This You Knucklehead!

"Grandpa,
you hungry?"
"Not really"
"Here, I got
something
for you to
snack on..."
She likes to
share. She
pretends to
feed you
some stuff,
I'm not sure
what it is,
but if must
be good cuz she always goes, "MMMMMMMMmm" after
you take a fake bite of it. As if to say, "Yah, it's only a
fake piece of food, but it tastes so GOOOOOOOD."

Talking To The Camp Cleaning Guy

"Uh-oh...here comes some a couple of Park Groundkeepers"
"Hey look at the little girl. Hey little girl, you're a cutie pie.
What's your name? Can you talk? Oh how cute, she can't
talk yet. Here, you want a biscuit? I found it over there by
the poison oak. No, I'm not Smokey the Bear. I'm a Camp
Cleaning Guy. Smokey don't live here anymore. A bunch
of bookbooks started chasing him with a frying pan and so
he left the camp. So I just go around cleaning up and stuff.
Oh well, I see your people are coming to get you. Hey, by
the way, what are they barbecuing over there? And, what
happened to that dog you guys had when you first got here?"

"Hey, Is That Guy Ilocano?"

"Grandpa, what's
up with people
who stare?"
"Well my little
biscuit n gravy,
people stare cuz
they're freaking
out at somebody
...maybe it's the
way they dress.
For example,
just looking at
this guy, you'd
think he was from
Tarlac or Laoag.
We're talking
bout the colors,
the plaid, the
confident smile
of somebody who
THINKS he
matches. And so we stare for just a moment. Then
we might say something like, "Huy Manong, how come you
are wearing a dress. Are you a Manong or a Manang?"
The key is to stare for just a moment. Whenever a normal
person is busted staring, the normal person will turn away
right away. But the Abbey normal person will continue to
stare at you after you've busted 'em. Don't be Abbey normal."

Just Trying To Be Helpful

"Hey little girl, why the long face?"
"Well, old man with hair of gray, I'm a little depressed right now.
I'm such a knucklehead cuz I can't do nothing right. I can't talk,
I can't walk straight, I occasionally pee in my pamps."
(Following is a list of things NOT to say to a depressed 1 year old)
1. Snap out of it you knucklehead.
2. People have it worse than you. Look at how Ilocanos dress.
Be thankful you didn't grad at Radford.
3. Yah, that's right...keep putting yourself down. You can't do
nothing right. In fact, I bet you're wet right now. So get over it
you useless little girl.
(Better to say the following)
1. Snap out of it, you pretty little girl.
2. Yes, some people do have it worse than you...so let's laugh
really loud at that bookbook right chay-yah.
3. Come here my little princess...I'll change your pamps. And while
I'm changing you let me remind you that I LOVE YOU very
very very very much and you can talk to me anytime OK?
Just don't talk about the Raiders #1 pick cuz I DON'T WANNA
TALK about that right now.
4. Let's have some Mango Sorbet.

I Guess It's Cuz You're So Pretty...

"Grandpa, when you were younger, did you get spanked?"
"Spanked? Oh no little girl, I was beat with a gigantic belt.
I used to cry before the belt even hit my butt...that's how
much it hurt. But that was a long time ago......
...about 3 months ago with Grandma."
"But Grandpa, will you ever spank me?"
"Well my little soyburger, it would be hard for me to do that.
I mean, someday you might make me so mad that I might
WANT to spank your butt a little...but...I doubt it."
"Why Grandpa? Why don't you think you could spank me?"

Blippity Bloop

Here's my
little LyChee
with her
Grandma
and her
buddy Isa.
This pic's
cool cuz
right above
her head
there's a
couple of
wall things
that look
like they're popping out of her head.
Like sometimes in cartoons, you see
a light bulb pop up to show that the
guy's getting an idea....Well here, Namaile
has a sun shaped thing and a curly shaped
thing popping up over her.......Yowzah!
......am I easily amused?
yup