Facebook Bookbook

"Grandpa, is it
ok when people
generalize?"
"Well my little
bowl of steel cut
oatmeal, what if
you see a barrel
of fuji apples, and
you find out that
they're all sweet,
but then buried
in there is a red
bell pepper, how
sweet is that?"
"Grandpa, that
analogy doesn't
make sense. Are
you mental?"
"Ok, how's this
one...Facebook is
so full of books
that it should be
called Facebookbook."
"Grandpa, it's all of you old people that's ruining Facebook.
Now I gotta find another place to network and kill time by
doing quizzes like, 'What kind of knucklehead are you?'.
Why do all of you old people gotta ruin young people's stuff?"
"Looks like you got this generalizing stuff down, little girl."

"Who Taught You That Mess? My Grandpa."

"Grandpa,
you're an
idiot, right?"
"I prefer
to be called
stupid."
"So why do
people put
peanuts in
their nose?"
"Oh........I
don't know...
maybe.....
they're thinking, 'Man,I wish I could smell a peanut or
two right now.....or maybe somebody had flatulated
and putting peanuts in their nose will block that putrid
smell of butt air.....or you know how some bookbooks
like to point with their nose? Well if you have peanuts
in your nose, it makes the pointing more exact......I'm
thinking that there are millions of reasons why people
would put peanuts in their nose."
"Yeah Grandpa, but why did you do it?"
"I don't know, it was the seventies and we were wild."
"Grandpa, you really are an idiot, aren't you?"
"Well, actually there's a part of me that's hoping that
one day you'll put peanuts in your nose....and your
peeps will be asking why'd you do it....and you'll be
like, 'I'm a Guilao, and that's what Guilaos do.'"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUDs_1m_qBk
(JB don't do no lip sync)

"Grandpa, You're Old."

"Grandpa, are you old?"
"Yeah, I'm so old that when I go to the bakery,
I look for stuff that has bran in it."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfEE_nYehZ8
(random song)

Before and After

"Grandpa,
you got any
good 'before
and after'
stories?"
"Yeah, well
before I was
young and
stupid, but
now I'm old
and stupid.
Before your
Grammy
used to go
window
shopping...
but now she
likes to go
for real kine
shopping...
Before your
Grandpa used
to play ball for
two or three or
four hours, but
now he's just
pathetic.
Before, we used
to drink water
from the faucet
but now we go
buy our stinkin'
water."
"Grandpa, you got any 'before and after pictures of my mom
and Uncle Daniel Galla and Grandpa Dan Galla? Like some
old 'before' pics from 1979 and then some 'after' shots now?"

Changing the Subject

"Grandpa, how do
change subjects?"
"Oh, that's easy...
all you gotta do is
say, 'So...anyway.'"
"Can you show me
how you do that?"
"Okay.......it's like
I might say, 'So
whenever I take
a shower, not all
of the liquid that
goes down the
drain comes from
the showerhead."
"Grandpa, what
does that mean?"
"So......anyway..."
"Okay Grandpa,
I see how you
did that."
"You can also do
it this way, if you
wanna change the subject, all you gotta do is say,
'Hey look at that cloud up there! It looks fluffy.'"
"Grandpa, can you show me how to do that too?"
"Okay, I could be like, 'Oh my goodness, your
Grammy is so mental...I can't believe what she did.'"
"Grandpa, what did she do?"
"What did she do?......Hey! Look at that cloud up there.
It looks all fluffy."
"Grandpa, you're the smartest Grandpa in the world."

Namaile and Sammy

"Grandpa,
check out
my friend
...her name
is Sammy."
"That's so
cool when
a girl's got
a name that
can also be
a boy name.
Like some
girl's got
names like
Alex or Ed or Charlie or Leslie or Riley or Jordan
or Reese or Tyler ............. anyway, that's cool."
"Grandpa, check it out...she's biting her bottom lip."
"Yeah...books like to do that like when they're getting
serious or when they're dancing."
"Thank you Grandpa, you're pretty retarded."

"Yeah, No Ack....Just Press."

"Grandpa, would
you say that I'm
a local girl?"
"Well my musubi,
I think that most
times you're a
local girl. Like if
whenever you put
plumerias in your
hair, I think that's
a local girl.
And if you've got
plumeria earrings
to match the flower
in your hair, that's
pretty local.....
but if you walk in
to Grandpa's house
and if you don't
take off da slippahs
.... that's NOT very
local....and if you
walk by your Aunty
Mahina without a
kiss and a 'Hi Aunty'
that's not very local.
And if you call
somebody older than
you by their 1st name
only.... that's not very
local....'Hi Junior Boy'.
....'Eh, mainland girl,
call me UNCLE
Junior Boy'." When
you go somebody's
house, local people
bring food. And help
out when you go there
no just sit around and
watch TV while all
the other people are
cleaning up. Learn how to use chopsticks
so you don't have to ask the waitress for a 'fork'.
When Gabby comes on the radio, don't say 'That guy
sounds so tribal.'....somebody will slap your head. And
if you're driving a car, don't honk your horn...........rude."
"Grandpa, is there anything else I need to know so that
I can be a local girl?"

Origami Bird Doo Doo

"Grandpa,
check it out
...I stay with
this Japanee
Sistah and
she's holding
this paper
bird."
"Yeah, my
little maguro
roll...that's
Origami....
that's when
you fold a
colored piece
of paper and
turn it into
something.
I like to make
Origami too.
But instead
of folding
paper, I like
to roll the paper into little balls and put it inside of the
origami bird....and then I like to pretend like the origami
bird is flying over your Grammy Thelma's plate lunch...
and then drop one of the little balls on your Grammy's
Chicken Katsu. And then I like to say, 'Uh oh...that's a
bad origami bird.'"
"Grandpa, are you making origami bird doo-doo?"
"Little girl...when it comes to origami bird droppings,
it's not the things you don't do....it's the things you do do."

NEE HOW!!! YEE HAW!!! Git along Chinese Dogies!

"Grandpa,
check out
da Chinese
boyz. They
wearing
dresses."
"Yeah.....
ummmm
actually,
those are
not really
dresses.
It's just
costume
time....so
YeeeHaw!"
"Nee how!"
"Nee how!
Yee Haw!"
"Nee How!
YEE HOW!"
"Shay Shay!
NEE HOW!!!"
"I gotta go Shay Shay!"
"Grandpa, isn't Grammy Thelma half Chinese?"
"Yup...you know what that means....she'd only eat half a cat."

Scary Pics

"Grandpa,
What are
some stuff
that scare
you?"
"Well,
Grammy
can get a
little scary
when she's
at the
Swap Meet
or if she's
at any
other store.
Grammy
can also be
a little
scary if
she's ever
mad at me.
Grammy
is also a
little scary
whenever
she's really
quiet. Cuz
that usually
means that
something
is gonna
explode. I
also think
that it's a
little scary
when your
Grammy
thinks we
gots money
to spend,
cuz that
usually
means
that we're
broke. But
the most
scariest
thing I ever seen are these 2 pictures of you.
Very, very very very very Scary."

Pink Umbrella

"It's raining it's pouring
the old man is snoring
He wet the bed and closed his head
and couldn't be the morning."

Old and Retarded Joke

"Grandpa, check
out this bookbook
couple."
"Yeah, that's your
Uncle AB and your
Aunty Crystal. Her
Maria Clara dress
is cool...I always
would high-five her
shoulders."
"What about Uncle
AB's shirt?"
"That's a barong
tagalog. It's super
thin, so you gotta
wear a t-shirt under
it...otherwise people
can see all of your
blackheads on your
back pimples."
"Nice."
"They're cute cuz
they're gonna get
married next year."
"Grandpa, why do people get married?"
"Cuz they're retarded. Listen little girl....
first you get the engagement ring...
then you get the wedding ring...
after that comes the suffering."
"Grandpa, that joke is just like you...old and retarded."