And I Ran, I Ran So Far Away

"Grandpa,
what choo
laughing at?
Do you see
something
funny?"
"Well my
little red,
green and
yellow and
blue M&M,
I'm cracking
up at you cuz
you got little
paint cans...
and you got
those space
glasses on...
you look like
the bassist on
the Flock of
Seagulls video
- I Ran. And
you make a
funny face
when you're
showing me
the paint all
over your hands. And you got some paint on your little opu.
And as usual, your hair is all hamajams. Dat's all."

Hula Girls

"Hey Grandpa, check
out this cool shirt that
Aunty Zelly sent me.
It's a hula girl shirt. I
like her long hair. One
day I'm gonna have
hair like that. All long
and stuff."
"Yeah, hula dancers
should have long hair,
it's cool when they
twirl and spin and you
see their hair twirl and
spin too. Only da hassle
is taking care of it cuz
you always get split enz
and gotta shampoo and
condition...oh da trills.
But all the good hula girls have long hair."
"Oh really Grandpa, you old book from the planet Ape-tron. Like who?"
"When I think of hula girls with long hair, I only think of one person."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7W05rbtNwFY

Sometimes Even Old Ones Are Still Good

"Grandpa,
look....I'm
eating a
lollipop. How
come this
thing tastes
so good?"
"Well my
little Irish
bookbook,
lollipops are
made out of
the sugar...
which reminds
me of the time there were 3 couples eating in a restaurant.
The first couple's guy said, "Pass the sugar, sugar."
The second guy told his wife, "Pass the honey, honey."
Then the bookbook said, "Pass the kalua, pig."
"Grandpa, you got any new ones?"

Find The Ilocano

"Grandpa,
check it out.
I'm amusing
myself by
reading this
little book
while I'm
waiting in
the car for
Grandma. I
think she's
prolly in the
store so she
can return
some crap
that she just
bought last
week. How
do you like
to amuse
yourself,
Grandpa?"
"Well my
little berry
from the ding
tree...I like
to play 'Find
the Ilocano'."
"How do you
play that?"
"Well, look at
this picture...
can you guess
which one is
the Ilocano?
If you said,
Grandpa Gil,
then you're
right on."
"How can you
tell Grandpa?"
"How can you
tell that he's an Ilocano?...... Filipino, please."
"Grandpa, how about the next picture? All I see is a TV screen
with a picture of a black dog in it."
"Well my little Kala Moon girl...remember this...whenever you
see a black dog...there's gonna be some Ilocano close by."

Itchy and Scratchy

"Grandpa, what's the rules when it comes to

singing and scratching your butt? I mean,

what do you do if you're in the middle of a song

and your butt gets itchy all of a sudden?"

"Well my little itchy and scratchy, what I usually

do is stop in the middle of the performance and

lift up my skirt and scratch."

Very Good, Mental Girl

"Grandpa,
what kind
of crap is on
the telly rat
about now?"
"Well, we
can watch
the dog show.
This is where
bookbooks
get to do an
online auction
of potential
dinner meats.
Check out
this one rat
here. It looks
like a lot of
work for not
much meat.
Lots of skin
is good for
chicharon."
"Grandpa,
what about
this crap?"
"Well, my
little grape
nut...that's
some crazy
show from
Iceland. I
think they
call it LAZY
TOWN."
"Grandfool,
what's up
with Iceland
anyway? Is
there anything
there besides
this mental
show?"
"Well my
inquisitive
little girl,
they got ice,
and Bjork,
and ice.......
and crazy
ladies that
wear swan
dresses on
the red carpet,
and ice....and
this mental
show and stuff that they put in my halo-halo....yeah, that's
about it. Now, go make a mental face......yeah, there you go."

Grandpa, Are You Authentically Relic'd Too?

"Grandpa,
can you tell
me a funny
story?"
"Ok, my
little slice
of gobmint
cheese, once
upon a time
there was
people.And
these crazy
people wanted
to buy guitars
that looked a
little old and
beat up. So
what they did
is took some
brand NEW
guitars and
scratched it
all up and
then they
took a torch to it so that it looked like cigarette burns, and
they exposed it to some ultra-violet radioactive waves so
that the paint scratched and peeled. Then they put some
ridiculous price tag on it because it was authentically reliced."
"Grandpa, is that a funny story or is that for real?"
"Well my little caramel macki-cheehoo, it's funny and for real."
"Grandpa, aren't you all scratched up and peeled up and all
exposed to ultra-violet radioactive waves? Cuz you look like it."

"Hey Grandma! Don't Go Shopping For Useless Crap!"

"Grandpa,
look at
Aunty
Britte, she's
tall yeah?
Am I gonna
be tall too,
you crazy
knucklehead
Grandpa?"
"I doubt it.
Cuz your
mom and
dad aren't
super tall like Aunty Britte. But she's from some tall place,
like Netherlands or Belgium or Amazon.com. But you're
just from Ireland and bookbookland. But you never know.
Your uncles are kinda tall...so if you like be tall, just do what
they did."
"What did they do, Grand-Baboon?"
"Oh...nothing...just acted mental....and by the way,
what are you guys pointing at anyway?"

No! The Raiders Are Not Metallic and Ebony !

"Grandpa,
look at me
I'm painting
something."
"Yeah, just
don't smell
it so much.
Look what
happened to
your Uncle
Damian.
You like get
all hamajams
or what?"
"No Grandpa,
I no like get all hamajams. But check out the colors...cool yeah?"
"Yes, my little Frap-a-cheehoo, colors are nice. But I want you
to remember to never ever call colors mental names."
"Mental names? Like what the snikeys are you talking about -
you freakish Filipino male grandparent?"
"Ok...for example...if you going color something pink...call it pink
don't call it fuschia or magenta, k? And if you gonna color something
blue, don't call it denim, cobalt, turquoise or azure, k? And if you
gotta color something white, try your bestest not to call it ivory,
linen, old lace, seashell, eggshell or sharkbait. Just call it white, K?"

Don't Worry Be Happy

"Grandpa,
I'm happy
all of time.
That's good
yeah?"
"Well my
little light
brown
chocolate
mocha, it's
a really
good thing
cuz I notice
that older
girls seem to always be stressing about stuff."
"What's that all about, you old mama jama?"
"Ok...well, this is my theory... when you're a little
girl, everything is happy cuz you're livin' the life. The
only thing that can go wrong is your lunch will be a few
minutes late. But when you get older, like in your teens,
then you start sharing your issues with your buds and
that's ok. But when you keep talking about the negative
stuff...that can get depressing. Actually, if you're not in
prison somewhere, and you're relatively healthy,
and you got shoes, and a bed, and a roof and some chow
...then you should be all right."
"Grandpa, you're so smart."
"Nah, not really....I just read their blogs."

Happy Park Happy Slide

"Grandpa,
look at me!
I'm on this
cool slide.
Isn't this a
cool slide?"
"Well my
cute little
banana
pancake,
your slide
is way way
better than
the slides I
had when I was a small boy back in the last century."
"How is that so, my curmudgeonous antediluvian?"
"Well, for one thing...your slide is made of soft and temperate plastic.
My days, slides were made of hard and cold STAINLESS STEEL.
Another thing is your slide is banana yellow and apricot green.
My days, slides were INDUSTRIAL METALLIC with SHARP EDGES.
Your slide is on a bed of soft wood chips and padded foam.
My days, you would slide into a PUDDLE OF MUD or CONCRETE.
Your slide is in a happy park with many parents watching.
My days, our parks were full of dog crap and BULLIES.
So...your slide is way way way way way way way way better."

Nice Sofa Cushions

"Grandpa, check out
this pretty flower."
"Check out the pretty
flower? How about
checking out the two
year old girl that's still
sucks her thumb. What's
up with that?"
"Um...I don't know....
it tastes good? It kinda
tastes like milkshake."
"Yeah, maybe cuz your
thumb is lactating. That's
ok my little Baby Bop.
Your mommy used to
suck her thumb a lot too.
Here's a picture of her 28
years ago sucking thumb.
In fact she used to like to
suck her thumb and smell
stuff at the same time.
Her favorite was smelling
her pillowcase. Actually,
it wasn't her pillowcase.
It was mine. She used to
come in my bed and then
remove my pillowcase
from my pillow and then
she'd smell that while she
would suck her thumb.
Maybe she thought it also
tasted like milkshake.
Anyway, she wouldn't
call it a pillowcase. She
used to like calling it a
pulley case."
"Oh Grandpa, that's kinda
crazy yeah?"
"What's crazy? the part
where she sucks her thumb?"
"No...the crazy part was the upholstery on your
old sofa back in the day. .....Wow....bookbooks for real."
(Bottom picture - Mommy Moani 1980)

How To Mark Your Mag

"Grandpa,
check it out
I'm studying
and I got my
highlighter
going full
steam."
"Yeah my
sweet little
highlighting
machine, I
can see you
got your
studying on.
But I also notice you're not highlighting the words and stuff
like your mom and dad. You're highlighting the picture. If
you're gonna mess with the picture, you shouldn't use a
highlighter...you should use a fine point pen. That way you
can write word balloons over the characters in the pictures
and put in imaginary conversations in 'em."
"What are you talking about, you crinkled, furrowed and
rumpled old ape?"
"Ok, like in today's study on page 10...you can put a word
balloon over the young girl and it could say, "Mom, do you
think I'm pretty?" and the mom would say, "Yeah, pretty
crazy." and then you can put a word balloon by the brother
with the blue bag and he could say, "Ha Ha, man this tie is
a killer! I can't believe I got this whole outfit at Goodwill...
Roy really hooked me up!" ...Stuff like that."

Grandma In a Mall Number 1.....Number 2 the Dog

"Grandpa,
what is more
scarier? A
kabuki doll
in a glass case?
A clown, and
especially one
of those clowns
from Cirque
de Soleil?
Little Bo Beep
from The Toy
Story movie?
Any character
from the movie Shrek? Grandma walking into
a mall with a handful of credit cards? Or this dog?"

Lesson In Cool

"Grandpa, look!
Here's an old pic
of my mom when
she was small. I
think you guys
used to give her
hand-me-down
shoes yeah?"
"Um...yeah. I
guess she should
have waited a
few more years
to wear 'em. But
let me tell you
a little bit about
sports, my little
manapua and
pepeyau. When
you see people on ESPN celebrating excessively by yelling
or dancing or whatever when they make a touchdown, sack
somebody, or hit a homer...don't think it's cool. Cuz it's not.
Act like you've done it before. Watch Ichiro or Manny Ramirez
or old clips of Dr. J or Bobby Jones. When you score....just be
cool like those guys. Isn't that irritating when you see ballers
screaming after a dunk?"

Lazy Tiger

"Grandpa!
This zoo is
so junk. Look
at this lazy
tiger just
laying down
in the shade.
What's up
with that?"
"Well my
little Botan
rice candy
with the
edible paper,
the reason why the tiger is just lying down in the shade
is cuz he's a procrastinator. Procrastinators believe that
their urge to do anything is directly in proportion to the
bodily injury they could receive by not doing them. And
I don't think anybody is gonna be doing any bodily injury
to that cat. If he wasn't a cat, he'd be watching TV rat now."
"Grandpa, are you a procrastinator?"
"Well, are you gonna hit me if I tell you later?"
"No of course I won't."
"Um OK...in that case, I'll let you know later."

"Now That's What I Call Some High Quality H2O"

"Grandpa,
look at me,
I'm making
a goofy face.
You like my
crazy face?"
"Well my
little spam
musubi, a
long time
ago, my mom
told me that
if I made a
stupid face,
that it would freeze up and I would have that face forever.
So you like to have that face forever or what? You're gonna
have to grow a mustache to minimize the bite."
"Hey you old Filipino Orangatang...so what you're saying is
that I can permanently have the Keira Knightly look?"
"No, what I'm saying is that you can have the Bobby Boucher
and Billy Bob Thornton from Sling Blade look."
"Um...nevermind Grandpa.....I'll pass."

Yosemite Namaile

"Grandpa,
I think the
piano needs
to be tuned.
Everytime
I hit a key
it doesn't
sound like
it's the right
note. So it's
gotta be out
of tune yeah?"
"Well, my
little Pikachu
...everytime you think you hit a wrong note, it sounds
beautiful good to me. It sounds like a little girl playing
the piano. Sometimes I play the right notes and it sounds
like crap. And I'm not even a little girl."
"Ohhhh.....ok......"
"Actually little girl, sometimes the right note can hurt."
http://video.aol.com/video/tv-ballot-box-bunny/1853681

Bolo Head Style For Young Guys

"Grandpa,
what's up
with young
guys with
bald heads?"
"By the ukus
of lele, I'm
not sure but
there is more
and more of
this today.
When I was
young, way
back in the
last century,
you was all
shame if you
was bolohead.
But today,
all the young
guys get no
more hair
and it's the old
guys with hair.
Try look at
your Uncle
Daniel Galla
when he was
small kid
and his dad
with me and
your mom."
"Hoo Brah,
he used to
have hair for real yah?"

Namaile the Energizer Rabbit

"Grandpa,
what's up
with all of
these old
pics? These
pics here
are from
February.
I'm way
older now."
"I don't
know my
little ahi
poke...
I think I
like 'em cuz
of the look
on your face
and the blur
of when you
stay running
....kind of like
that rabbit.
One day I'm
gonna wish
you were
this small
again. I do
that all the
time when I think about
your mom and uncles and aunty. But like you said,
you're much older now. Tomorrow you will be two
years old. I love you more everyday my little unagi.
So......do you feel older? Cuz I sure do."

Tagged!

"Grandpa, I wanna
tag my uncles...
is that okay?"
"Yeah, everybody's
gettin' their tag on."
"Okay...so, Grandpa,
I know that I'm not
playing this tag game
right, but here goes...
1. Uncle Damian's
favorite teams are
the Denver Broncos
and the Detroit
Tigers. Why? Cuz
they both got the
letter 'D' on their
helmet. That's also
the reason why he
wears Dolce and
Gabbana stuff.
2. Uncle Andrew got left at the Kam IV hall one day. Nobody
knew he was missing. One time we left him at home and when
we was almost at the Hall we had to turn around and go back
home and there was his 5 year old butt on the back porch.
Ha! Middle child!
3. Uncle Troy snores so loud that the TV channel keeps changing.
Ba Bam!"

Tagged!

"Grandpa,
can I tag
Uncle Troy,
Andrew and
Aunty Hina?"
"Yah, you
might as well
cuz everybud
is doin' it."
"Ok...I know
I'm not doing
the game the
right way but
here's some stuff you may not know about them...
1. Uncle Andrew knows every Beatles song but his
favorite is, "I"m Gonna Clean Dat Car". Huh? That's
not a Beatles song? Oh...my bad.
2. Uncle Troy knows every Beatles song too. But he says
that his favorite is, "I Hope I Don't Hurt My Foot".
What? That's not a Beatles song either? Oh...my bad.
3. Aunty Mahina likes to think that Gayvid Archuletta,
Gayson Castro and Gayson Mraz would like to date
girls except for one problem....they don't like girls.
So Ba Bam! A bit of Guilao trivia."

Uncle Damian

"Grandpa, who's
that fat pig in the
picture?"
"Oh...that's your
Uncle Damian
when he was a
small baby....
except he really
wasn't that small.
One time, your
Grandma put a
yellow outfit on
him and people
started yelling,
'Taxi!'"
"He had some
rolls yah Grandpa?"
"Oh yeah...one
time when we
went to the Zoo,
we was pushing
him in the stroller
and when the
animals saw him,
they gave him food.
It was sad cuz when
we took him to the
beach, the people
would always try
to roll him back
into the ocean."
"What's up with
this other pic?"
"Oh that's when
he was around 3
years old and he
thought he was
Zorro. His lasso was
your Great Grandma's robe belt, and his gun was some legos.
Of course, guns weren't allowed in the house...so when I'd ask
what was that thing in his hand, he's say, "It's a L".

Babies in Work Clothes

"Grandpa,
do you like
to put little
babies in
your work
clothes?...
cuz here's
a picture
of my mom
in your
coveralls 30
years ago.
It's kind of
like the pic
of me in your jacket that's under your profile."
"Babies in my jacket? Ha Ha Ha...you crack me up."

Got Tagged! Ba BAm!

"Ha ha Grandpa, Aunty Mahina tagged you. What you gonna do?"
"Well, my little napple, if a guy responds to tags, he's pretty much
saying that he's gay. But if I don't, then that wouldn't be cool either
...especially if the other person reveals so much about themself.
So maybe if I just say a few things about myself then that would
only be marginally gay...
1. K-Dramas are cool. Full House and Lovely Sam Soon is 1 and 2.
2. I prefer Seattle Mariner Baseball to Raider Football. I prefer
any European Soccer over any NBA regular season game.
3. I'm a blog lurker...a sad and pathetic blog lurker....
4. I cry a little too easily.
5. When I switched to Geico...I didn't save a lot of money.
6. A perfect vacation for me is NOT traveling or sightseeing. A
perfect one is a crossword puzzle, a bed, and remote control.
7. Whenever I just watched a movie, I think that it's the best
movie ever. Later...I think it wasn't as good as Empire Strikes Back.
That applies to any movie. Even August Rush which I just watched.
Four hours ago, I thought that it was the best movie ever. Ha!
8. I think that saying, 'Have a nice day' or 'Have a nice trip' is total
nonsense. What? You giving me permission to have a nice day?
9. I think that Blue Oyster Cult's songs have enough cowbells.
10. Girls can color their hair as much as they want. Straight
guys shouldn't. Ba BAm!"

Irritating Irking Things

"Grandpa, you must
like this old picture
cuz you've shown it
a couple of times."
"Yup, it's in my top 5"
"Speaking of top 5, my
wrinkled up Primate,
what are your top 5
irritating things?"
"Oh, I see we're gonna
do a list. Everybody's
blog gots lists. Well ok
...here's my Top 5....
1. When I let someone
into my lane and they
don't thank me. How
about a head nod? Cuz
lifting up a hand to wave is really tiring.
2. Using the word 'spiritual' before something. Like when
somebody says, 'spiritual vitamins' or 'spiritual botox'.
3. When I can't do the stuff I used to be able to do. Like
play basketball like a young guy.
4. Conor Oberst's voice
5. Michael Buble's acting like he's all suave
That would be my top 5."
"Grandpa, you know what my top 1 is? You live in O-side
and I live in Seattle."

Trying Some New Things Indeed

"Grandpa,
is there any
new things
that you're
trying? I've
heard some
people say
that trying
new things
can add a
little spice
to life."
"Well my
little brown
skittle, I'm
thinking I would like to say the word 'indeed' a little more.
Like if somebody says, "Hey brah, that's a cool tie" then I
would say, "Cool tie Indeed". Or if somebody says, "Hey brah,
I think there's some cat in that manapua" then I would say,
"Cat in that manapua Indeed". Who knows? Maybe one day
your Grandma will tell me for the millionth time, "Honey, I
think you need to get a colonoscopy" ....I would be like,
"Colonoscopy Indeed, you crazy lady"....You may have noticed
that I added the 'crazy lady' part at the end."
"Um....ok.....is there anything else you're working on?"
"Yeah, well I was thinking of trying this the next time I take
the kids to the pool...as I look down into the bowl as they flush
away, I was thinking of saying, 'Goodbye old friend'."
"Goodbye old friend Indeed!"

"Yup...Cuz You're My Grandpa"

"Grandpa, why do I
feel sad sometimes?
I shouldn't cuz I got
everything I need, I
have a nice mommy
and daddy, and I got
plenny food fo' eat,
and we get wireless
internet in the house
so I can't figure out
why sometimes I get
all sad an den."
"Well my little mochi
chicken wing, being
happy has nothing to
do with food or wire-
less internet. Happy
is from having a fun
Grandpa. Happy is
also from having good
music to listen to. May
I recommend some
Kalapana, C&K, and A
Tribe Called Quest.
Happiness is also from
downloading free stuff
from the internet. I
was able to get my
hands on some Tetris
and PacMan on Excel.
Thanks to Grandma
Mellow Sara Jane Mels.
Just don't let her cook
any corn. Nope, don't.
Happiness is also from
eating stuff like Yogurt
from Yogurt World. I
suggest you try the
Mango Tart with some
blueberries and straw
berries and mochi. Keep
it under 4 pounds. Ha!
Happiness is also from
Leonards Malasadas. If
somebody gets some
stinkin' Pillsbury ready-
to-bake-rolls and fries
it in oil and puts sugar
on it then he has the gall
to call that malasadas...
let me know. Cuz I'm a
gonna slap his head.
Happiness is also from
custard pie. Happiness
is always attainable by
means of an L&L Loco
Moco...no forget to ask
them to put grilled onions in the gravy. Smother it with Ketchup and
tabasco. That is Happiness....Hey! Why you looking at the water?"
"Grandpa, first you say you can't get happiness from food and the
internet...and then you talk about food and the internet. So, I was
looking in the water...ummm.....yeah...water....Hey Grandpa...
guess what? I'm happy again...you know why?"
"Cuz I'm your Grandpa?"

Just Friends? I Doubt It

"Hey little
girl! What
you doing?"
"Grandpa,
I'm just
giving a
flower to
this haole
boy. Don't
worry, we
just friends."
"I heard
that line
before...let
me tell you
something about boys. If you give flowers to a boy, he's not
gonna want to just be your friend. Boys don't like to be in
the 'Friend Zone'. They may TELL you that they like to be
in the 'Friend Zone' but what they really want is to be in
the 'BoyFriend Zone'. They act like they're all cool but when
they get home, they're gonna sit in front of their mirror and
sing Love Songs. Remember, you promised me you wasn't
gonna get married and stuff. Member? Member??"
"Ok Grandpa, I member."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=yLEYf_Nxbsw