"Eh Knucklehead! Walk!"

"Grandpa,
is it true
that one
time you
got stuck
on one of
these
escalators
when the
electricity
died?"
"Well my
little Furi
crunch,
somebody
was just
telling you
a funny
cuz if the
power goes
out, all you
gotta do is
walk... you
just heard an old Pohtagee joke, no worry....your Grandpa
is old and stupid...but not that stupid. Actually though, an
escalator is really ridiculous when you think about it... cuz
what you got there is thousands of dollars into something
that takes the place of walking. All those lazy knuckleheads
that ride escalators are ridiculous. That's almost bad as using
one of those battery powered toothbrushes....that's crazy.
I feel like saying, 'Hey knucklehead! Walk!"
"Grandpa, doesn't Grammy use a battery toothbrush?"
"Oh..........um..........hmmmmm....Hey knucklehead! Brush!"

"Eh Brah! You Stepped on My Pancake!"

"Grandpa,
check it out.
We just got
back from
Hawaii and
we're eating
waffles......
What's up
with waffles
anyway....I
mean, how
did they
come up
with this?"
"Well, my little sweet Maui onion ring, waffles came up in
ancient IHOP-otamia...somebody made pancakes and then
when it fell on the floor some knucklehead accidently stepped
on it with his work boots....'Eh brah, you just stepped on my
pancake....Hey wait-a-minute....you went put a nice pattern
on my pancake and now there's a place to melt my butter and
pour my syrup. What do you call this pattern?' Then the guy
with the boots said, 'I don't know but it looks awful'....and then
the first guy said, 'What did you say, it looks waffle?'...and then
the other guy said, 'Yeah, sure...whatever deaf-ear........Waffle.'
And that's how they came up with Waffle."

Uncle Andrew

"Grandpa,
check it out
...I'm just
chillaxing
with Uncle
Andrew....
what's up
with uncles
anyway? I
mean where
do they
come from
and what
purpose do
they have?"
"Well my
little slice of
custard pie,
uncles come
from the
usual places
...The Uncle
Warehouse,
Uncles-R-Us
Uncle Shack,
Abercrombie
and Uncles,
and Uncles
Rack. You
will find that
each uncle
serves just
one purpose
...and that is
to buy you
stuff and take
you places.
Of course, it
would help if
your uncles
weren't broke
...but even if
they are they
can still do free stuff with you....like read to you....play music....
watch TV... eat goodies. Your uncle Andrew is good for music,
and reading, and eating. When I was your age, I kind of had
that...but you got it made cuz you got 3 uncles on your mom's
side that spend time with you. When you get older and think
back, a lot of good memories will come from uncles. You got a
bunch of uncles everywhere.....Seattle, San Diego and Hawaii.
But your top three are your mom's brothers - Uncle Damian,
Uncle Troy and Uncle Andrew."
"Grandpa, I'm glad you had 3 boys."
"Yeah, me too."

Broke Mermaid

"Grandpa,
check it out,
I'm here in
Waikiki and
I'm about to
take a dip
up in here."
"Excuse me
young lady,
where's the
bikini? How
come you
just wearing
your panties?"
"Um, Grandpa...I'm a mermaid...we don't do bikinis...
.....that's how we roll."
"And what kind of mermaid are you? One of those
'broke mermaids' with no more money for buy bikinis?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGoXtSw0Ias

"Junior! (Whooosh) Don't Porget to Pill Your Gus"

"Grandpa, tell me some more funny bookbook stuff!"
"Okay, my little leche flan, one thing that you'll occasionally
see an older bookbook do is the sudden gush of wind from
their nose. It's like they'll be just standing there making
small talk, and then in the middle of their sentence, a forced
gust of air will come flying out of their nostrils....and I'm like
thinking, 'Where the heck did that come from?'...It's almost
as if they might be trying to get rid of some 'hangers'....you
know, like a sudden gust of wind will scare some bats that
are hanging in a cave to fly away...or maybe they just do it
unconsciously....they would be like, 'Junior! (ffffssshhhht),
don't porget to pill your gus' and you're thinking, 'Did he just
push some air out of his nose?'"

Hanauma Bay My Butt

"And here we have beautiful Hanauma Bay."
"Grandpa... are you sure this is Hanauma Bay?"
"Ummm.....I think maybe this is Sea Life Park.
Look at those lazy fish. 'Hey Yellow fish, get a job!
Yes...I think so........or maybe not. Or this might

be the Ala Moana Shopping Center fishy place."

"Grandpa, can we catch the fish and eat 'em?"

"Catch the lazy fish and eat 'em? Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

"Remember You Better"

"Grandpa,
this is my
dad.....his
name is
Kenneth."
"Hello, I'm
Namaile's
Grandpa."
"Grandpa,
where is
your dad?"
"Umm..he
died when I
was a small
boy...I was
just seven
and I can't
hardly even
remember
him. But
his name
was Damian
and he was
from Paoay, Ilocos Norte. I can only remember two things
about him. I remember one time, I don't know...maybe I
was 4 or 5 years old and I spilled a whole bag of rice...and
he didn't even get mad or anything...he said, "Don't worry,
let's just clean it up." And another thing I remembered was
that he sang this song, "If I give my heart to yooouuuuuu...
will you make me barbecuuuuuuuue." I must be retarded...
cuz he must have done a million things with me, and I can only
remember those two things? I mean, he saw me get born, he
fed me, changed me, put me to sleep, carried me everywhere,
probably sang a million songs to me, and that's the song that
I remember."
"Grandpa, don't worry.....I'll remember you better."

Crackin' Up

"Grandpa,
you know
what's so
funny?"
"Do I know
what's so
funny?....
Yes I do...
Just when
you think
that Paula
is almost
normal....
then she
borrowed
Bjork's skirt and then she went and busted out from under
her desk some crayons and coloring books for the grouchy guy.
And then Megan the tattoo girl starts "singing" and I'm looking
for something to throw at the TV. And Anoop looks like the
'Something About Raymond' guy. But the one that cracked me
up the most was the mahu with his K.D. Lang look. So who's
out this week? The blind guy."

"Choco - Latte"

"What is that?"
"Um..........choco-latte."
"Good?......Can I have some?"
"Yeah."
"What? I want a big one...."
"Oooohhhh-kaaaaaaaay."
"Thank youuuuuuu......heh heh heh heeeehhhh."
"Dip it ....... Dip it."
"Aaaawwww....hmmmmmmm.......thank you."
"Your welcome."

Puuku Mauka Drive, Honolulu, Hawaii

"Grandpa,
look at this
crazy road
...they get
cars every
where.....I
can't even
believe that
a Bus can
even have
room to go
through
here....How
come all the
parking is
gone?"
"Well, my
little barefoot
girl, it's all
gone cuz the
bookbooks
dass why.
They all get
3 families
per house
and each of
dem got 2
cars each,
one for Tata
and one for Barok. That's 6 stinkin' cars per household.
Moms ride the bus....and all the aunties ride 'em too.
The big stinkin' bus down this stinkin' skinny little street.
How you like dem apples? Mental, yeah?"

CRACK! ..... SPLAT!

"Hey!...You
knucklehead
cock-a-roach
....How come
they get so
many of you
guys over
here? You
guys are so
gross. You
like me get
one slippah?"
"Hey little
girl, no kill
me. I'm not gross. I'm just like you. I got a mommy and
daddy. Actually I HAD a mommy and daddy until your
Grandpa went crack 'em with a slippah. I'm going to school
....I'm a sophomore at Radford. I collect seashells. I like to
watch videos and read books. I like music. My favorite color
is yellow and my favorite scent is Wintergreen. My favorite
candy is Skittles and my favorite Skittle is purple. My fave
five is my cousins, Pookie, RayRay, Junior Boy, Shenaynay
and Rakeem Ibrahim. I love to recycle. I keep my room clean.
I don't like haters and bashers. My favorite cloud is a tie
between nimbus and cumululumulus. So no slippah me, K?"
"So..........you like music?.....Who's on your ipod right now?"
"Um......Miley's dad....Achy Breaky Heart...look at me,
I got my thumbs in my pocket and I'm line dancing."
"CRACK!.........SPLAT!"

Ukulele...Flea Jumping........Okole....Butt Crackin'

"Grandpa,
is it fun to
do stupid
stuff to
mainland
people?"
"Well my
little cup
cake, it's
really fun
to tell 'em
wrong kine
stuff........
like I'll tell
'em that
an ukulele
is an okole.
To them,
it sounds
the same.
'Hey Hal!
Is that
okole of
yours made out of koa? Is that a solid koa okole? Ho brah.
That's nice. Hey wait a minute. Is that a crack I see? Hey
bruddah, you better do something about that crack, or
else it will get bigger and bigger. I've seen it happen....
believe me, it's not a pretty sight. One time I seen one
cracked okole....the guy only put tape. What an idiot.
You gotta fix 'em right the first time.'"
"Grandpa............are you retarded?"

Mainland Versus Hawaii Sand

"Grandpa,
check it out
...I'm at Ko
Olina and I
like to play
with the
sand over
here. How
come over
here the
sand is way
more nicer
than the
crap in the
mainland?"
"Well my
little pie,
actually....
the first
thing that
a local girl
would say
if she's all
playing in
mainland
sand for
the first
time is,
'What?
You call this SAND?' cuz like at Brown's Point, they get
rocks instead of sand. And in San Diego, the sand feels
more like dirt."
"Grandpa, then what's the first thing a local girl will say
when she's playing in the sand in Hawaii?"
"Prolly something like, 'Hey??? I get sand in my butt!"

Baba B

"Grandpa,
how was
work last
night?"
"It was ok
except I saw
a car in front
of me run
over this
squirrel. It
went splat."
"Grandpa,
are we ever
gonna see
that squirrel again? I mean like in the future will I see him again?"
"Well, my little butta mochi, squirrels are like everywhere and they
kind of look all the same. They're all grey and brown and furry. So
will you see him again? You'll see millions of him again."
"Grandpa, over here in Hawaii they get some Jawaiian music and
lot of songs like 'Big Boy in Love' by Baba B and odda kine crap.
Will I ever hear crap like that again?"
"Ummmmmmmmmmm.................................Nope."

Uncle Mike

"Uncle Mike
...how come
you put da
sunglasses
on top of
your head?"
"I do that
cuz my hair
is sensitive
to light....."
"Uncle Mike
...how come
your shirt
got buttons
but you don't bother to button them?"
"I do that because everybody buttons their
buttondown collars. This is my attempt to not
be like everybody. Anybody can be like everybody
...but only somebody can be like nobody. Plus I forgot
to button them earlier today and nobody reminded me."
"Uncle Mike....how come you put the earpiece inside of
your ear....here....I'll pull it out of your ear for you."
"I put the earpiece inside of my ear, because I like hear
my MP3 player better....right now I'm listening to Cher,
plus I forgot it was inside my ear and nobody reminded me."
"Uncle Mike, how come you're a plumber?"
"I'm a plumber cuz I like plums...and I like water and pipes."
"Uncle Mike, it was nice talking to you."

Exfoliate....Moisturize....Accessorize

"Grandpa,
check it out
...I got me
a make-up
kit...I know
it's fake but
it's all good.
Let me put
some on my
Great Gran-
ma Maile..."
"Hey little
girl, did you
know that
your name
came from
your Kanak
GreatGram?
Your Uncle
Damian
combined
her name
and your
Bookbook
GreatGram
...her name
is NAncy
and then
you add
MAILE which gives you Namaile. Your uncle can
be somewhat useful at times.... You're doing a good
job of putting that stuff on your Great Gram. You
know over here in San Diego, you see a lot of the
Cali girls put dark liner lipstick around their regular
lipstick.....whatever....those are mostly the same chix
that wear black bras under white blouse with big hoop
earrings....shaved eyebrows with planny pencil an den."
"Grandpa, what do you think about that?"
"Well, as you know, your Grandpa went to Barbizon and
John Robert Powers...and there's really not a lot you need
to know about fashion and make up. Here's the three things
you need to know...Exfoliate....Moisturize....Accessorize."
"Grandpa, you're the smartest grandpa in the world."
"True dat."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTahvIEOwcI

Monkey See...Monkey Do

"Grandpa, you shriveled up Ilocano knucklehead,
what does it mean, 'Monkey see, monkey do'?"
"Well, my sweet little beanie baby, 'Monkey see,
Monkey do' means you imitate what you see other
people do. Like if you see your mommy and daddy
eating nicely, then you're gonna eat nicely. If you
see your Grandma and Grandpa saying 'please'
and 'thank you' then you're gonna say it too. And
if you see your Grandma and Grandpa 'clean'
themselves in a certain way in a room full of people
then I guess......Monkey see Monkey do............

Pain is Funny

"Grandpa,
why is it
funny when
I conk my
head?"
"Headconk
is the best
conk of all.
It's funny
cuz of that
Number 1
Funny Rule
...Funny is
always in
direct proportion to the amount of pain somebody suffers.
Like on AFV when some knucklehead falls off of a trampoline
...that's funny...or when Tweety Bird hits Sylvestor with a
hammer and Sylvestor is screaming...that's hilarious. But
if Sylvestor just looks at Tweety with no pain......not funny.
Or when Wiley Coyote falls off the cliff...that's reallly funny.
And when Chris Farley dives onto a coffee table...hilarious.
So when you and Calin conk your heads on the wall, you're
just proving true that theory...Pain is Funny."
"But Grandpa, it really doesn't hurt when I conk my head."
"Yeah, well that's what your Uncle Damian used to say, and
look what happened to him."

Calin and Grandmas

"Grandpa,
check it
out...we're
visiting my
cuz Calin,
and her
Grandma
Myrna....
what's the
chances of
that ever
happening?"
"Of what
happening?"
"The odds
of having a
Myrna and
a Thelma
together in
a room?"
"I would
have to say
quite rare...
and even
rarer would
be to find
them sitting
right next to
each other."
"Here I'm
having an
intimate
moment
with Calin
and telling
her how my
Grammy
likes to go
shopping...
and she's
telling me
how her
Grandma
likes to go
shopping too
......what a
co-inky-dink.
And now we
are having
a cracker
together...
Uh-ohhh...
both of our
Grandmas
are having
crackers n
cheese and
wine and a beer or two....I think we better hide under
the table...Grandpa, why is it fun to play under a table
or play in a tent or a treehouse with your buds?"
"Well, my little dingleberry, it's fun cuz there's no big people...
...just you and your pal and you can talk about your Grandmas."
"Grandmas are funny, yeah Grandpa?"
"Hilarious."
http://namaile.blogspot.com/2007/12/grandma-myrna.html

Spouting Water Breaks

"Grandpa,
check it out
...I'm with
mommy in
Waikiki....
took a walk
in front of
the Duke
statue.....
They got
these walls
in the water
...what's up
with that?"
"Well my
little pie....
those are
breaks....
they come
in handy
when you
want to
keep the
waves out
so that the
keikis can
swim in a
pool....and
the bigger
kids can go
outside the
break and
catch some
waves......
pretty good
idea, yeah?"
"Grandpa,
where did
they get
Waikiki....
I mean.....
how did
they come
up with the
name?"
"Well, the
Hawaiian
word 'wai'
is 'water'...
and 'kiki'
is....well....
ummm....
Hawaiian
word for
'spouting'..
which is
way way way different than the Tagalog word. And so the
good thing about the beach, especially for, but not limited
to little girls, is that if you gotta go...and there's no bathrooms
close by...you just gotta say, 'Oh, I feel like going for a swim.'
Or you could say, 'Oh, I feel like going for a little spout.'
And then you just do what most people do and walk into the
water and just sit there with a happy look on your face as
you turn on your faucet. Then the water gets a little warmer
as 98.6 meets 75.4....and we're not talking FM. Hey! How
many times I gotta tell you....Don't drink the yellow water!"

Duke Kahanamoku and Namaile

"Grandpa,
who's this
blah lah?"
"Oh, that's
Duke......
he's pretty
famous in
Hawaii."
"Um...how
come he
doesn't
move an
den? But
he get a
good tan,
still.........
he just
stands in
that one
spot with
nice leis
all over."
"Well my
little crunchy unagi roll...actually he's dead....no worry, that's
not really him...it's a statue....kind of like a 3D picture that you
can touch and hang leis on. Back in the day, he was a hero in
Hawaii cuz he was in the Olympics and he can swim real fast
and he had grey hair and people admired him and he was in
planny commercials and TV shows and he was in good shape."
"Grandpa............. so he was just like you, yeah?"
"Ummmmm.....................actually, just only the grey hair part."

Hanging With Three Aunties

"Grandpa,
what does
it mean if
somebody
says that
they're
'hanging'
with you?"
"Well my
little chicken
wing, when
they say
that they're
'hanging',
that means that they're doing stuff with you. The actual phrase
was 'hanging out' but in deference to time, people began to omit
the word 'out'......you know....time is money. So here, you're out
with the Aunties Sela, Gina and Julie but you're actually hanging
cuz you just like have fun an den. Hanging and swinging....that's
what little girls do. I mean, did you actually ring any doorbells
or hand out any mags or tracts when you were in Hawaii?"
"Um.....................hmmmmmm............doorbells, mags or tracts?
...ummmm.........I think I may have stepped on a roach or two."

Yay! We're Number Two!

"Grandpa, did you check out the latest news? It said that
Hawaii is one of the 5 Happiest States. It should have been
number one but Utah had fewer angry unemployed people.
Anyway, being number two ain't so bad. The weather and the
beaches make it one of the best places to live. But the main
reason why Hawaii is one of the happiest states is because
locals know how to do pushups....right, Uncle Morgan and RJ?"

http://health.msn.com/health-topics/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100234481&page=1

"Yeah, Whatever."

"Grandpa, check it out....I'm in this park and I'm posing in this thing."
"Yeah, whatever."

"Grandpa, check it out....I'm buried in the sand...I'm getting itchy."

"Yeah whatever."

Hugging Ala Moana Ti Plant

"Grandpa,
check it
out....I'm
hugging a
ti plant..."
"Um, yeah
whatever."
"Hey...you
old bukbuk,
did you see
that item in
the news
about older
fathers? I
think it said
that children of older dads have lower IQs than children of
younger fathers. Were you young when my mommy was born?"
"Yes my little raisenette, I was 21 and your Grammy was 20.
So, I guess that means your mom must be a genius. Of course,
that doesn't explain your Uncle Damian. But it does explain
your other 2 uncles, because I was older when they were 'sired'.
But then again, your Aunty Mahina is somewhat intelligent...
so I guess that theory bites."
"Yeah, whatever Grandpa...."
"Hey, I got an idea....what if me and your Grammy would make
one more baby? How would you like dem apples?"
"Grandpa, that would be wrong in so many levels."

"What's the Crackin'?"

"What's the
crackin' you
old man?"
"Well my
little bowl
of cheerios,
Tatiana is
gone for
good...the
Borinky is
in, but for
some reason
he fanned
himself like
a girl with his hands when he found out...
the blind guy is in, and he never saw it coming...
there's the San Diego guy that got Pete Wentz hair...
and that's what's the crackin' my little scrunchy."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CzwqwTMvvU&feature=related

Taro Icee Drink with Nata De Coco and Thelma Boba

"Grandpa, what is
backwash?"
"Well my little piece
of custard pie, that
is when you have a
drink of something,
and then somehow
some of that drink
finds it's way back
into the glass or cup.
It is usually just a
haze, discolorization,
or maybe a chunk or
two of something....
hopefully really really
small, but sometimes
it could be something
a little more meaty.
Just like this Boba
drink I got here.......
When I got it, it had taro shave ice, nata
de coco and just a few pieces of boba....but
your Grandma took a couple of swigs and now all
of a sudden it has a couple of inches of boba....what
the?.....where did all that boba come from? ......and
then I remember, 'Oh Yeah....Thelma drank it.....
Thelma Backwash.'"
"Ewwww, Grandpa....that's gross."

It's Good to Be Me

"Sing

with your head up

with your eyes closed

Not because you love the song

Because you love to sing

Because you love to sing."

(Copeland)