Grandpa, I Think Isabella Needs More Beer

"Grandpa,
swings are
fun yeah?"
"Yeah, and
it's really
fun when
you had a
few beers,
but you're
still kind of
young...so."
"Why is it
funner with
beer?"
"Well my little Pikachu, everything is funner with beer.
Singing is funner, playing guitar is funner, watching fish
in an aquarium is hilarious, watching Idol and screaming
at Paula or Randy is a riot. Yeah, beer makes stuff funner."

Namaile Is Not Chinese...She's Filipino

What Namaile is thinking:

"I love my kitty cat."

What the cat is thinking:

"Please don't eat me."

(actually, she's 1/8 chinese and 1/4 bookbook)

Almost White?

"Grandpa,
this is fun.
If I ride in
this red
thing, I can
slide down
the snow
and it makes
me go,'Whee'
all the way
down the
hill. And the
best part is
I don't even
have to walk
back up the
hill...my
Daddy pulls
me back up."
"Yah, well
wait till
you're older
and you can
go snow
boarding
with your
Aunties
and uncles."
"Yah its fun, but how
come this snow over here tastes like vinegar?"
"What color was that snow?"
"Um,...it was almost white."

Spinning Table Thingy

"Grandpa,
look at
this funny
spinning
thing. If
you spin
me around
on this, it
makes me
all dizzy.
And then
I get to
walk around
like Grandma
after she had one Kahlua with milk."
"After one? Ha Ha ...after 2 sips...Ha Ha Ha Ha."

Seattle Breakfast

"Grandpa,
can you let me
know how to
properly eat
a Seattle
breakfast?"
"Ok, well the
first thing
you gotta do
is order a
mocha latte
and a biscotti.
A biscotti is
an Italian
bagel. It has
a lot of good
stuff in it like
eggplant and
Italian spices
and sausage.
Then you go
dip it in the
Mocha Latte.
This makes
it melt so it
can digest
into your
tranverse
colon a little
bit faster
than normal.
Then you
take a bite,
and say,
"Biscotti
be gonnie."
Then you
lick your
finger in case
you left some
biscotti in
your finger
somewhere.
Then you
take a swig
from your
Mocha Latte.
After you pau
do all that,
you go straight
to the bathroom
and make a
gigantic
Biscotti and
Latte doodoo.
When it comes
you say, "Arrevdercci Aroma". Which is ironic cuz, the aroma isn't
leaving...it's just arriving. That's a typical Seattle breakfast."
"Grandpa, you're so smart."
"Yes, I hear that a lot."

Teaching Namaile Cool Tricks

"Hey old
man...you
got any good
practical
jokes you
like to do to
your wife?"
"Yah, here's
a good one.
Call her on
the phone
and disguise
your voice
and say stuff
like, "Hello,
I'm looking
for Thelma
Guilao."
Then she'll
say, "Hello,
my name is
Thelma but
I like to be
called 'Toi'."
"I'm sorry,
I have to
speak to
Thelma."
Then she'll
say, "Yes, this is Thelma, but I like to be called Toi."
Then say, "I'm sorry, I have to talk to Thelma. Is this
Thelma? Thelma Guilao? May I speak to Thelma please."
Yah, she likes that.

"Grandpa, I Can Hear The Ocean From Here"

"Grandpa,
man, you
got gigantic
Ilocano
nostrils yah?"
"Whoa now
Missy! First
of all, Ilocanos
don't have
the patent on
gi-normous
nostrils. You
ever heard
of Patrick
Ewing and
Jimmy Durante?"
"Jimmy Who?"
"Exactly...second of all, big nostrils helps me breathe easier than
others do. Plus it's a good place for me to hide stuff."
"Hide stuff like what? Boogers?"
"And big nostrils helps hold my sunglasses up. Never thought of
stuff like that, do you?"
"Grandpa, is that your medula oblangada I see there?"

Only Chicks Wear Scarves

"Grandpa,
if you had
to wear a
scarf, how
would you
wrap it
around
your neck?"
"Well, first
of all, your
Grandpa
don't wear
no scarves.
.....Gay.....
But if I was
given a gift scarf and I had to wear one...I would wear it around
my face so nobody would recognize me wearing a scarf.....
Yup....that's how I'd wear it."

Red Elmo Hoody and a Big Bird Jacket

"Grandpa,
if you had
money to
spend and
you could
buy any
kine clothes
you wanted
...what kine
of clothes
would you
buy?"
"Well, my
little M&M,
I think if I had no major bills, and I could pretty much buy
whatever I wanted without really worrying about money,
I can tell you what I wouldn't buy."

"Don't Kiss The Cat's Lips!"

"Hey look
Grandpa,
I'm gonna
kiss my
little kitty
kat."
"Whoa!
Wait-a-
minute
there my
little brown
Skittle. Make
sure you
don't kiss
the cat on
the lips. You
don't know
where those
lips have
been."
"What does
that mean,
you crazy
old Book?
Her lips
have been
on her face."
"Yah, you're
right, it's been on her face. But you don't know where else it's been."
"What does that mean, you knucklehead malungay eating monkey?"
"Well, whenever somebody says, "Hey, you don't know where those
lips have been."...what they mean is, "Hey knucklehead, don't you
know that the stupid cat has been licking her butt?"
"Grandpa, that's stupid. Why would anybody lick their butt?"
"Yes my little genius. Why would anybody lick their butt, indeed."

Snowboarding at Snoqualmie

"Grandpa,
what's the
difference
between
Uncle Troy
and Uncle
Damian?"
"Well, my
little Ahi
Poke, the
difference
is that one
of 'em was
born in
1979 and
the other
one was
born in
1988. But
another
different
thing about
'em is that
Uncle Dame
gotta match
his clothes
even if it
means he
gotta spend
a lotta money but UncleTroy could really care less if he got holes
in his shoes. So if they were in a zoo, Uncle Troy would be one of
those sleeping animals surrounded by crap and Uncle Damian
would be like a Peacock surrounded by crap."
"What about Grandpa Dan? What animal would he be?"
"He would be like da kine Honolulu Zoo animal that shops at
Liberty House and marries Okinawan chicks from Town."

3 Rules of Beer

"Grandpa,
do you like
to drink
beer?"
"Do I like
to drink
beer? Does
a chicken
have lips?"
"No, they
don't. They
got beaks.
So then...
I take that
as a 'No'."
"Actually,
my sweet
little rice
candy with
the edible
paper, your
Grandpa will
imbibe once
in a while."
"Just asking
cuz we're at
this brewery
and they got
this ski with
a bunch of
different beer
on top. Isn't
that cool?"
"Yah, well as
a general
rule, I try to
stay away
from the dark
stuff, it looks
like shoyu n
den. It tastes
like it too.
One time I drank some dark stuff and I almost sang karaoke.
You see what can happen? The lighter stuff is sweeter...just
right for a little girl like you. Don't forget to buy some gum
in case a cop pulls you over. And whatever you do...do not mix
your drinks. If you going drink beer...just drink beer. No drink
beer and then later drink ripple or boones farm cuz you gonna
barf. You'll be barking at the ants."
"So let me get this straight... stay away from dark beer, buy gum
in case a cop pulls you over, and no bark at the ants.........got it."
"Here's a nice little beer song for my little munchkin....
Do - the stuff, I use to buy my beer
Re - the guy that sold me beer
Mi - the guy that likes to drink my beer
Fa - a long long way for beer
So - it's time to drink my beer
La - la la la la la beer
Ti - no thanks, I'm drinking beer
That will bring me back to beer..........
A nice little song to sing when you're sleeping on the bathroom floor."

A Fish Story for Namaile

"Hey old
man...can't
you paddle
a little
faster?"
"Let your
Grandpa
tell you a
story, my
little Zippy
Napple. A
long time
ago, back
in the 70's,
I used to paddle for a canoe club. We was called the Hui-o-Books.
One time we went against the Outrigger Canoe Club and raced
in the Ala Wai Canal. Of course the Outrigger Canoe Club beat
us. Not because they was big Kanaks and Pohtagees. It was cuz
our paddlers was using oars that was made out of screen. Dass
right, they was catching fish while they were paddling. When we
pau the race, our Visayan paddlers caught a bunch of tilapia. I
told em, 'Hey you crazy knuckleheads, we lost the race again.'
But they said, 'Yah but look how much tilapia we got.' That's
why whenever people hear about the Hui-O-Books, they get sked."
"Grandpa, I know your story is full of crap...but I still love you."

Grandpa Teaches Namaile Greek

"Hey little
girl, give me
a kiss."
"Get away
from me you
old Ilocano
Visayan and
grey-haired
Orangatan.
Kissing is
for people
who are
married."
"Let me tell
you sompin
about kisses
k? The greek
have 4 words
for kissing k?
There's a
guppy kiss.
That's a
principled
kine of kiss.
Like when
you have to
kiss a very
distant old
aunty that
smells like
Vicks. Then
there's philly
-a-kiss. Like
when you
kiss your
close close
friends...
Isabella or
somebody
like that.
Then there
is Error kiss
like when
you kiss somebody romatically, and her name is Thelma.
That obviously is an Error. And then there's Store-Ge-Kiss.
That's when you kiss your Grandpa cuz he's gonna take
you to the store later and buy you some stuff. I guess there's
one more. It's the Filipino smell your hair or cheeks kiss.
That's my favorite. I save that for the ones I really really love.
So aren't you glad your Grandpa taught you something today?"

She's a Chocolate Chip Monster

"Hey little girl, what you
got there? A chocolate
chip cookie? How about
you give some of that
cookie to your favorite
old Filipino knucklehead?"
"Mmmmbbbbmmm"
"How about if I promise
to take you to Mickey D
later on? Can you give
me some o' dat den?"
"Mmmmbbbmmm"
"How about if I promise
to take you to Toys-R-
Us later? Can you hep
a brother out then?"
"Hmmmmbbmmgm"
"Ok, Ok...I got it...how
about if I give you 5 bucks,
AND I watch every episode of Backyardigans with you,
AND I let you ride my back like a horsie for 2 hours,
AND I lie on my back and carry you like Superman,
AND I promise to buy you BAG of cookies later?
Could you give me a little love then?"
"5 Bucks???Ha ha ha ha! Grandpa, you crack me up."

Austin Powers? Number 4

"Grandpa,
what's the
best trilogy
ever?"
"That's why
I'm here my
little pepeyao.
To make you
understand
the important
things. Okay,
first of all, for
reasons that
are obvious,
let's leave out
Godfather, Lord of the Zings, and Pirates.
Let's leave out Matrix cuz it's bad, I couldn't watch
more than 10 minutes of the first 2. Yes, Keanu Reeves is
like a sleeping pill. Back to the Future was exciting, but I don't think
it's top 3. The ending of Episode 1 of Indiana Jones still freaks me out
with the ark. So that leaves Star Wars, Spiderman, and Bourne.
When Jason and Nicky got together in 3...awesome. Can't wait for 4.
Spiderman had cool stories, I had the comix back in the sixties,
I thought I was Spiderman, Stan Lee rules. But how can you
argue with the drama of fighting your father to the death or
finding out you kissed your sister? Plus R2D2 is the man.
Best Villain of all time - Jabba the Hutt. Coolest bad guy - Boba Fett."
"Grandpa, you're the smartest."
"Yup, I know."

Best Duet - Namaile and Kaylee

"Grandpa!
Hey old man!
What'd you
think bout the
Grammys?"
"I was just
thinking that
you could fit
2 of that train
wreck, Amy
Winehouse's
legs in one of
Beyonce's."
"Who's older
Grandpa,
you or Jerry
Lee Lewis? I
was just
wondering cuz
I thought he
was gonna
croak on TV."
"Um...he's a
little bit older
than me...he's
75 and I'm
just 39."
"Is Amy's
husband's
name Blake
Incarcerated?"
"No, that's
not his name,
that's his title."
"What's more
pathetic you
old Ilocano goon?
The Umbrella
song being nominated as a song of the year or Cirq de Solay's
crappin' on the Beatles? Which of those 2 were the most pathetic?"
"Well first of all little girl, you're supposed to watch the Cirq only
after you've had a few drinks first. Kanye....yup, the mostest pathetic."
"What was the funniest thing you saw at the Grammys?"
"Well 'Professor' Will I Am rhymed 'Grammy' with 'Jammy'. That
was funny. And Ringo being drunk was funny. And Josh Groban
IS funny. Nelly Furtado's hair was hair-larious. Vince Gill scratching
on Kanye's grill was fuzunny. But the mostest funniest thing was
when Kanye said, "Mama, I know you want me to be the number
ONE artist in the world." What a maroon.

Yeah Right

"Grandpa,
can we have
a cat?"
"No...cats
make cat
hair and the
cat hair gets
all over the
place. And
they leave
hair balls
all over, and
you know,
the hairballs
at first glance looks a lot like doodoo. In the summertime
the stupid cats bring fleas in the house. And then the
house smells like a cat house. You know what a cat
house smells like? It smells like old lady house. So, I
guess the answer would be 'No!' And that's it."
"Oh, OK Grandpa...but what if we babysit this cat for
awhile....cuz the owner will be back...I promise. She's
just in L.A. for a little bit and the cat will be gone when
she gets back. K?"

Jimi's Cover Of Course, Not Dylan's Original

"Grandpa,
what's the
difference
between a
remix and
a cover?"
"Well, my
little head
cabbage kim
chee, remix
is when some
DJ takes a
song and
adds a beat
or slows it
down or he might mix in a few samples of bits of other songs
or added sounds. But a cover is when you take an original
song and have a totally new band play the song their way.
Most of the time, covers wreak. It's hard to beat the original.
So I guess the big difference is that a remix will have the
original vocals but the cover is different singers, different band."
"Just wondering, cuz I got a new dance...check it out...I hold one
hand up and I just bounce...'There must be some kind of way
out of here.....said the Joker to the Thief....'"

What Did I Say? Genius!

"Grandpa,
are you a
Haole?"
"No, but
you are, my
little wasabi
pea. You see,
your dad is
Irish and so
that makes
you Haole."
"Actually,
you old and
pathetic
Visayan Orangatang, the word Haole means 'foreigner'. So I
suppose that makes you a Haole too. Unless you're 100 %
Hawaiian. Are you, you freakish over-the-hill Has Been?"

Except Eugene Levy Ruined the Film

"Grandpa, did you see
the movie, 'Serendipity'?"
"You mean with Cusack
and Kate Bekinsale? Yup."
"So what old man, is that
movie full of crap or what?"
"Well, I hated it when the
little boy pushed all the
elevator buttons, cuz then
Cusack never saw Bekinsale
that night cuz of him."
"Isn't that the point you old
Ilocano freak? They finally
do see each other at the end
of the movie cuz it was their
destiny right?"
"Well, first of all my little
Jujubee...Destiny is crap. But Serendipity is the phenomenon of
finding something valuable that you weren't even looking for...
a natural gift of making cool discoveries by accident. So I'm down
with that. Like, I was hoping I would one day have a pretty little
granddaughter, and BooYah! Here you is...Serendipity."

Space....The Final Frontier

"Grandpa,
that car
next to us
has a funny
sticker...
it says
'NOTW'.
What does
that mean?"
"Well my
little garlic
edamame,
that means
'not of this
world'."
"Oh..........OK..............................
So what world are they from?"

"Um....Yah....That's One Too."

"Grandpa,
what is
conflict?"
"Well my
little Lee
Hee Sliced
Mango,
that would
be something
like your
Grandma
wants to
buy some
crap but
she knows
it's really
a useless
item to
buy, but
she still
thinks she's
gonna buy
it anyway,
even though
she got no
money, so
she pulls out
her credit
card and her little voice tells her to not buy it,
but her brain which went to Radford tells her to
buy it anyway cuz although it's useless, she can
return it next week after letting it sit in the trunk
of the van. And then she struggles and stresses over
returning it or not...eventually she does, cuz after all,
it is a useless piece of crap...or a purse....or a pair of shoes."
"Um...Grandpa, actually....I just would rather not give you
any raisins cuz I like em a lot...is that a conflict?"