Shady Tree

"Grandpa, I don't
think that it's OK
that we refer to
a tree as 'shady'.
Do you think that
the tree might
get offended?"

"No my little
honey bucket,
all the tree gotta
do is say, "Your
mom's shady."

"I don't get it,
you freakish old
Ilocano goofball.
All you gotta do
is say, "Yo mama
is shady"?"

"No, don't say,
'Yo mama'....
say, 'Yo mom's
shady'. Get it?
Cuz that's more
funny dat way."


".....yah........
okaaaaaaay..."

Waiting For Dennis Lindberg

"Grandpa, what happens to people who die?"
"Well my pretty brown-eyed little girl, if they're nice - God will
remember them and wake them up. Then they can be themselves
again. Why do you ask a question like that for?"
"Cuz I was thinking about Dennis. He was nice and funny too,
he had a lot of faith, and he played guitar. But I never had a
chance to play with him. I really wanted to hear him play guitar
and hear him sing too. Will we ever get a chance to jam with him?"
"Very soon my little baby girl.........very soon......."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22032266/wid/11915773?gt1=10613

Mac-N-Cheese Is Mainland Food

"Grandpa,
what do you
think about
macaroni n
cheese?"
"I don't....
I mean that
is mainland
food. Homey
don't play
dat."
"Oh really,
cuz I love it.
It's so good."
"Yah, well you would think that cuz you're a mainland girl."
"So, you telling me that you don't eat mainland food?
What is Costco Hot dogs? Mainland food right?"
"Yah, but whenever I eat a Costco Hot Dog, I regret it later."
"And what about In-and-Out Double Double Hamburgers?
That's mainland food too right?"
"Yah...but after I eat one, I regret it later."
"So...what I think you're saying, you Ancient Asian Dolt, is
that if you regret it later, it's not the same as eating it."
"Yup yup...you're pretty smart for a little girl."
"Yah....................I can't believe Grandma married you."

Grandpa, What Is "Akamai"?

"Grandpa,
what does
'akamai'
mean?"
"Well my
little char
siu, 'akamai'
means smart
in Hawaiian.
I know lots
of 'akamai'
people."
"Really?
Like who?"
"Umm..... I can't think of anybody right now."
"Well my old and barely useful quinquagenarian, are you akamai?"
"I don't think so, cuz whenever I tell your Aunty Mahina and her
buddies that I'm old and stupid, they always say, "You're not old."
"Ha Ha Grandpa, that's funny."
"Why is that funny my little taro chip?"
"Cuz I would have said, "You're not stupid."

Bubbles are Fun

"Grandpa, do
you think that
bubbles are
cool? Cuz I do.
I think that
all kids do too."
"Yup, bubbles
are super cool
...in fact when
your Grandpa
was just a small
kid, back in the
early eighties,
whenever I
would take a
bath, I would
form my soapy
hand into a "OK"
shape, and blow
the soapy suds
into a bubble.
Sometimes, I
can make 2 or 3 bubbles cuz, as you know,
your Grandpa is highly skilled, even as a young boy
way back in the late eighties."
"Grandpa.....Grandma said you're full of crap."

Can You Yell a Lilly Bit Louder Please

"Grandpa,
is it good
to yell at
people?"
"Oh my
goodness
gracious
no. It is
ok only
if the one
you are
yelling at
is a bad
Grandma
who needs
direction."
"Grandpa,
are you
sure about
that?"
"Oh heavens
to Betsy yes.
Yelling is
a lack of
self control
to be used only when your Grandma is hard of hearing and needs a little bit of volume when being corrected.
So yelling is sometimes acceptable when communicating
between grandparents. "
"Grandpa, what about screaming? Is that ok?"

Namaile's ToiRoy Cartoon

"Grandpa,
what is
today?"
"Um...did
your crazy
grandma
lose her
phone?"
"Yup"
"Monday."
(next day)
"Grandpa,
what is
today?"
"Um...did
your crazy
grandma
find her
phone yet?"
"Nope"
"Tuesday"
(next day)
"Grandpa,
what is
today?"
"Um...did
your Hawaiian Chinese Grandma still not find her phone?
Did she go shopping again today for 'stuff'?
And did she not massage your Grandpa again?"
"Yup"
"Wednesday"
"Look Grandpa...I drew a cartoon of you and Grandma."

Man-Boy 2

"Hey little
girl...is this
your new
drawing?"
"Yah, it's
my 2nd
Man-Boy.
Do you
like it you
old Visayan
knucklehead?"
"Um...yah
but how come
when the man
said 'Hi' the
boy said 'Fine'?"
"Oh...that's cuz
young people
don't listen to
old people. It's
the law...like
I bet when
you talk to my
Aunty and
uncles, they
never really
listen to you
yah?"
"Not just them...one of these days you gonna be just like them.
I'll be talking to you and you won't even listen to what I said."
"Huh? Did you say something?"

Namaile's First Man-Boy Cartoon

"Grandpa,
do you like
my cartoon?
I call it
'Man Boy'."
"Um.....
yah .....
why do you
call it 'Man
Boy'?"
"Duh....look
at the faces,
you old Ding
Dong Hostess
Twinkie."
"Oh I get it.
Is there some
meaning to it,
like the boy
asks 'Why?'
cuz he's like
really unhappy
with his life,
cuz his neck
isn't connected
to his shirt?"
"Yah.....you're smarter than you look, you Bookbook orangatan."

DOT-TREE!

"Grandpa,
you old and
messed up
freak, are
you ever
intimidated
by people?"
"Well, not
really, cuz
your gray-
haired ape
of a Grampa
is like Jimmy
Crack Corn...
I don't really care.....
Well, I take that back....there is just one guy
that intimidates me. It's not cuz I'm scared of
him...I think I'm intimidated cuz he is so awesome.
'Be careful what you wish for! Cuz you just might
get it all....Yah....I'm going home...(Pose with guitar)'"
...........shhhhhh....don't be scared....it's only 3 minutes long....shhhhh....
http://youtube.com/watch?v=I6lmIchRlD4

They're Pretty Even When They're Closed

"Grandpa,
is it true
that books
sometimes
will cut their
baby girl's
eyelashes
when they
are young
cuz they
think that
it will make
their lashes
longer?"
"Yes, my
little can of
whipped
cream. It's
kind of
mental I
think."
"Did you
guys cut
my lashes?"
"No way."
"Good, cuz
that would
be kind of
fake yah?"
"Yup yup. Now go to sleep my little animal cracker. And
dream about shopping, like your grandma always does."

Um...That Would Be You And Me Girly Girl

"Grandpa,
what's a
posse?"
"Well my
little pork
dumpling,
that would
be the crew
you roll wit.
Like your
Aunty has
a posse in
Hawaii and
a posse in
O-side. So
wherever
you go, you
should have
a posse."
"But old and
gray Ilocano
fool, what do
posses do?"
"No worry
my little
party tray.
All you gots
ta do is pose
for pics, shop, scam, and share each other's clothes.
There's really not much to it. Oh and occasionally
flash a peace sign or shaka sign. Dass it."
"Wow grandpa, that sounds easy. But who's my posse?"

"He Can Play Your Grandma ALL DAY - EVERYDAY"

"Grandpa,
how come
always get
guitars and
music kine
stuff all
over?"
"Oh, you so
inquisitive
little smack,
it's good cuz
whenever
you feel like
playing, you
just pick one up and go. Your Aunty Mahina can
play drums and guitar, your Uncle Troy and Andrew
can play drums, guitar, and piano and your mom can
play piano. So you see how good is that?"
"Yah, but Grandpa...what can Uncle Damian play?"

Grandma Is Not As Old As Grandpa

"Grandma, you
must be pretty
old, cuz you're
a grandma."
"Yup, I'm kind
of old...but not
as old as your
Grandpa."
"How old is he?"
"Well, he's so
old that he used
to play with POGs
...not collect 'em.
He's so old he would
say "Hana oko lei lei" to people when they do something stupid.
And when you do something dumb, he would say, "Bakatare you."
He's so old, he knows who Aku, Kamasami Kong and Ron Jacobs is
and he calls the Blaisdell the HIC. He's seen Gabby, Atta Isaacs,
Hui Ohana, he's been to Territorial Tavern to see Olomana and
he's seen Kalapana at Top A Da Shoppe. He used to say stupid
stuff like, "Ming Toi Puulei, sitting on da fence...trying to make one
dollah out of 15 cents...red,white and blue...stahs ovah you....Mama
say Papa say, you Pake." Yup, little girl...he's really old."

Get Sharks Or What in Dis Lake an Den?

Row Row
Row your
boat...
Gently
down the
stream...
Merrily
merrily
merrily
merrily
Life is
but a
Dream.
Row Row
Row your
boat...
Gently
down the
stream...
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
Life is but
a WHOA
NELLY!!
SNAPPA
LAPPA
DOOPY!!
Hey BRAH! NO DROP da BABY!!!

People in Hawaii Books

"Hey Grandpa,
I like this one
better, 'Artists
in Hawaii'. It's
way way way
better than
the other ones
you had over
there, 'People
Who Ride the
Bus and Fall
Asleep With a
Pile of Saliva
on Their Lap
in Hawaii'
or 'People Who
Sell Crap at the Swap Meet and Asks Ridiculous
Prices for Them in Hawaii' or 'People Who Shouldn't
Be Wearing Those Undersized Bike Shorts But Wears
Them Anyway in Hawaii' or 'People Who Have At
Least 7 Gold Hawaii Heirloom Bracelets and Wears
Them All in Hawaii'.

Just Thinking Out Loud at the Doctor's

"Is this really
necessary that
I sit here in
my pamps?
I just got a
little flu...
Can I have
some dignity
over here?
Thank you.
Um...What's
all those little
things over
there? Can I
put a couple in my mom's diaper bag? How
about some decent reading material? This
'Newsweek' magazine has the label removed
from the front. Is somebody scared that we'll
find out who subscribed to 'Newsweek'? So,
how long does it take for the Doctor to 'prepare'?
I've only been sitting here in my pamps for 45
minutes. He must be washing his hands really,
really, really, really good."

"I Don't Know Why Either...."

"Grandpa, did
you watch the
movie called
'Ratatouille'?"
"No, why? Is
it a good one?
Should I see
it? What's it
about?"
"It's about a
rat. His name
is Ratatouille.
But it's also
about cooking
and the diff
between an
herb and a
spice. It makes
you want to
cook after you
watch it."
"Ok little girl,
I'll watch it."
"But Grandpa,
there's just one
problem. I don't
know why, but Uncle Damian keeps calling me Bratatouille."

Grandpa's Little Spy

"Grandpa, is
it good to keep
secrets?"
"Well my little
bowl of Raisin
Bran, that all
depends."
"Depends on
what you old
gray haired
has-been?"
"Well, it kind
of depends on
if the secret
is juicy or not."
"Ok, well, I
got a secret,
but I'm not
sure if I can
say. I don't
want my peeps
to think that
I'm gonna say
stuff to you.
Will you tell
somebody
else if I tell
you my secret?"
"Of course, that's the fun part about secrets."
"Ok, I guess I can trust you. Whenever Grandma
is talking and talking and then all of a sudden she
gets quiet for a few minutes, that means that she's
eating bad stuff like Trader Joe's Belgium Chocolate."
"By the name of So-and-So, that's not a secret. I
already knew that. But I'm glad that you told me.
Now, keep on reporting me stuff that Grandma does, ok?
That will be our little secret."

Yah, I Guess That Is Pretty Hilarious

"Hey little
girl, what's
so funny?"
"What's so
funny?.....
I just saw
a guy in
the next
car digging
deep for
some nose
gold. And
behind him
was a big
Hummer.
Don't these idiots know that gas is 10 bucks a gallon?
And next to that car was another car with pennies
glued over the entire car. Behind him was another
car that had a big Playboy sticker on his back window
and when I looked inside, the driver looked like a
Filipino George Castanza. And then in this car, my
old Ilocano Flipanzee is steering the car with his knees
and reading his text messages at the same time."

Yah, Ours Was Way More Fun

"Grandpa,
who has more
fun, me and
my mom or
you and my
mom when
she was a
small kid?"
"Well my
little Toma
Gatchi, me
and your
mom had
good fun. We
used to go
to Ala Moana
Beach all of
the time and
we lived at
Red Hills.
Over there
had a pool
right by our
apartment.
We had all
the powdered
milk and
cheese and
luncheon
meat that the WIC Program would give us. All of our
friends and relatives lived within 5 minutes of us and
we partied all the time. We used to go Halawa Park so
your mom could play on the crazy submarine. We
went to all of the McDonald's play area cuz was free and
we got to eat fries and fruit punch. No more fruit punch
in Mainland you know. So our fun was better than yours.

"I Was There"

"Grandpa, you
used to go to
concerts back
in the 70's?"
"Um yah, I
remember
going to see
Kalapana,
C&K, Tower
of Power,
Olomana,
EWF and so
many good
bands back
then. Every once in a while, me and Grandma
will go watch 'em now...but you cannot beat their
shows back in the day. I mean, they may be
better musically or whatever today, but it's cool
that I was there when they were younger.
I remember Olomana's first show at Andrew's
Amphitheatre. They opened for another act, but
everybody could tell that they were gonna be
special. Had Jerry Santos, Robert Beaumont and
a Cello player. Anybody who calls themselves by
the name Olomana today cannot compare to the
Olomana I saw way back then. See....it's cool
when you can say that 'I was there'."
(Just like I was there when you were the opening act)

What About the Drunk Flamingos?

"What's so
funny there
little girl?"
"I just read
that Paris
Hilton is
helping the
drunk
elephants.
Apparently
there are
binge drinking
elephants in
India. Paris says, "The elephants get drunk
all the time. We need to stop making alcohol
available to them." I think what we need is
to card them just like any other customer at 7-11."
What did I tell you? Yup, She's a stinkin' Genius.

(She's Really Not Like This)

"Waaaah!
My life is
so junk. I
hate it. I
like go run
away and
den cuz it's
so junk to
be me. If
somebody
just take
me to
Starbucks
and get me
a Caramel
Machiata
then I can
be normal.
What's so
hard about
that? Or how
about just
getting me
one Boba?
What's the
big deal?
Only cheap
an den. Just
take me
and get me
one small
drink...dass
all. Oh....
what's this?
Slurp...
Sip...Slurp..
Glug, glug,
Slurp....
Ahhhhhhh.
There...
That's much
better...
Now I can
relax....
Now, take
me to get
some onion
rings an den.
I like go to
McDonalds.
Somebody
take me or
else I going
snap. What?
You guys
like torture
me or what?
Take me. I like go NOW! Waaaaah!

Aunty Mahina and Uncle Tyler

"Hey Bully"
"Hi Uncle"
"Did you
eat salad
today?"
"No...not yet."
"How's your
diet?"
"Huh?"
"How's your
workout?"
"Huh?"
"How's your
text messing
skillz?"
"Good"
"Yah, I knew
you'd say
that...How
about your
X-box skills
...what? you
doing Dance
Dance Dance
Revolution
everyday?"
"Uhm...they
get only 2
Dances, not 3 in the title..."
"Ok....was just testing you an den. You passed.
Now....go eat your salad before I make your uncles tackle you."

2 Chix Talkin'

Namaile:
Hollah!
Isabella:
Hi Namy!
N: So did
you see
Conan last
night? Oh
da crazy
red-head
was going
off.
I:Um, nope
I went to
bed way
earlier than
that.
N: Cool...so
my Uncle
Troy is so
ripping on
my Aunty
Mahina cuz
she likes Dax
Flame and
Jsan Mraz.
He calls 'em
gay and she's
like, 'No they
ain't.'
I: What's gay?
N: Really....what EXACTLY IS gay?.....Anyway....Hey look at that sky.
Man, I wish I was a bird so I can fly away. I would go to Mexico and
hang with the natives, eat tortas all day. Then I would fly to Hawaii
and find some Ilocanos making kalding kaldareta and eat shave ice
and malasadas from Leonards. Then I'd fly over my Grandpa's place
in Oceanside and crap all over that piece of junk car that's been in
his driveway for 10 months now. Then I'll go fly around till I find those
crows from the movie 'Dumbo' and say, "Man, you guys offend me."
I: No....really.....what's gay?

Just 'Somewhat' Offensive

"Hey little
girl, what
are you
laughing
at? What's
so funny?"
"I just
looked in
the mirror
and saw my
hair...Ha
Ha Ha Ha...
hilarious..."
"How about
a stupid joke? Would you like to hear one?"
"Yah Ok Grandpa, as long as I don't find it offensive."
"Ok, well this guy found himself on a bar floor. And he was like,
'Oh crap, I must have had too much'. So he crawls out the bar
and gets up to catch a taxi. But then he falls on the curb and says,
'Ah crap, I'll just crawl home'. So he crawls all the way home and
stumbles through the doorway after opening the lock and ends
up on the floor again. 'Oh crap, I really had too much to drink'.
So he crawls into bed and his wife goes....'Did you have too much
to drink again?' And he's like, 'Yah honey, how'd you know?'
So the wife says, 'Cuz the bar called and said you left your
wheelchair there again.'

In Her Carseat Dreaming of Fries

Namaile is
traveling
tonight in
her chair.
I can see
the red
tail light,
heading for
Mcdonalds.
Oh, I can
see Namaile
waving good
bye. She's
gonna play
with her toes...
cuz they look like fries in her eyes.
Oh Oh Oh...Namaile girl...
you are younger than me...
Do you still feel the pain...of the carseat on your okole
Your eyes have fries...and make 'em supersize
Namaile you're a star....
in your grandfather's eyes.
(To the tune of "Daniel")

Grandpa and Grandkid Talkin' Smack

"Hey little
girl, your
hair is all
jacked up."
"Hey you
old Ilocano
Orangatan,
you reek of
garlic and
lumpia and
beer."
"Hey little
girl, you
talk like you
wanna speak in Spanish, but your sentences
are not complete. You just speak in unintelligible
gibberish sounds like Yoda in Mexico."
"And your hair is salt and pepper...heavy on the
pepper...and you reek of garlic, lumpia and beer."

Uhm...They Prolly Will

Oh, that's
unusual...
Uncle Andy's
hair is all
jacked up.
Oh, and so
is Namaile's
hair. That's
weird.
"Hey Uncle
Andrew,
how does it
feel to be a
middle kid?"
"Oh...not cool. One time your Grandma
and Grandpa forgot me in the Kingdom Hall.
They came back for me about 20 minutes later.
And one time they left me at home when I was
just 6 years old. They totally forgot me, and when
they came back, I was just chillaxin' on the back
porch. Almost like the kid on 'Home Alone'. The
middle child is the Forgotten Child."
"Yah, I hope they never forget me somewhere."

Not Scared of Nemo Anymore

It's funny
cuz she used
to be scared
of this Nemo
fish. Actually
it's a clown-
fish but we
call it Nemo.
Before, if we
would take
her close to
this thing, she
would be all
'get that thing
away from me'
and now she
holds it and
laughs.
"Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha...it's
a funny fish."
"Hey little
girl, how come
you're not
scared of the
fish anymore?"
"Um.....
I don't know."
Actually, I know why....
That's right....she's a genius.

Mental Uncle Doing Mental Stuff

"Uncle
Andrew
are you
mental?"
"Uh..no"
"But do
you like
to do
mental
things?"
"Uh...
yeah..."
"Like what?"
"Well for today,
how about if
I take some plastic balls from your bouncing plaything
and put them in your shirt so you look mental."

BookBook/Hawaiian Girl Dancing

"Little girl,
what kind of
stuff do you
hate?"
"Well my old
and gray ape
of a book, it's
not good to
hate...but I
have a hard
time dealing
with people
who say that
they're gonna
do stuff but
they don't do
it. I also find
it amusing
when people
are like 1/8 Hawaiian but they mention that part
of their ancestry first when describing their background.
Like I'm only 1/16 Hawaiian, so I shouldn't tell people
I'm Hawaiian/Chinese/Irish/Filipino. Actually I'm the
total reverse of that. I hate that when people do that."
"I thought it's not good to hate."
"Oh...um....yah. Hey, how about some videos of me dancing?"

Namaile and Isabella Drawing and Napping

"Namaile,
what are
you and
Isabella
doing?"
"Drawing"
"Do you
like to draw
stuff with
crayons?"
"Yup"
"What do
you like
to draw?"
"Well, we
like to make
pretty kine
pictures like
flowers and
rainbows
and birdies
and houses
with chimneys
with smoke
coming out
of 'em and
nightime
with lots and
lots of swirly
stars. Afterwards we like to take naps and afterwards
we like to wake up and I like to make up words that end
with an "sh" sound."