No....Bookbooks Is Worser

"Grandpa,
who these
chicks?"
"Those
aren't chicks,
those are
Halawa
girls. But
your Aunty
Mahina only
thinks she's
a Halawa
girl cuz she
stay there
all the time. Remember the movie Wedding Singer?"
"Yah Grandpa, why?"
"Remember the Drew Barrymore character? She said if she
married the knucklehead, her name was gonna be Julia Gulia.
Well you see the Halawa girl on the right? Her name is Kariss.
Her mom's name used to be Julie Poolie."
"No way... who would name their kid Julie Poolie?"
"Samoans."
"Worse than Bookbooks, yah Grandpa?"

No Eat Da Yellow Snow? Got It!

"Grandpa,
what is
this stuff?"
"It's shave
ice...It's like
halo-halo,
but different.
Halo-halo
get fruits in
it and stuff...
but shave-
ice only get
syrup in the
ice. Dass why I
got you one straw and one baby kine spoon.
Looks like snow yah?"
"Yup, looks like red snow."
"No forget, red snow is good, blue snow is good,
and even rainbow kine snow is good. But whatever
you do...no eat the yellow snow, k?

"You Are My Brodder...Por-Eberrrrrrrr"

"Grandpa,
I can't watch
this crap."
"Um...why
don't you
just change
the channel?"
"Grandpa,
have you
ever seen
crap on TV
and you
know it's
crap, but
you keep on watching anyway?"
"Uh..yup...Raiders football since 1984, any news on
Amy Winehouse or Britney, and this ridiculous bookbook on Idol..."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=jhiPE0tiZkE

I Would've Settled For Old Spice

"Grandpa, do you like the Spice Girls? I think they're cool...my favorite is Posh."
"Yeah, well my favorite is Namaile Spice."
"No Grandpa...if I was a Spice Girl, I would be Happy Spice."
"What about Isabella? If she was a Spice Girl, what would be her name?"
"Oh...she would have to be Dimple Spice."
"What about me, little girl...if I was a Spice Girl, what would be my name?"
"Oh you would have to be Old Freakish Orangatang Spice."

40 More Horatio Flowers And We Can Make a Lei

"Isabella!
What do
you think
about CSI
Miami?"
"I think
that David
Caruso is
the biggest
overactor of
all time and
I wish your
Grandpa
would fly over to Miami so he can throw some eggs at him."
"Yah, I think he should too...hey look, our Horatio flowers
are blooming."

3 Riddles

"Grandpa,
I got some
riddles for
you...you
ready?"
"Give it to
me, what
you say..."
"OK, 1st:
Why don't
turn on
the exhaust
fan when
you use the
bathroom?"
"Oh that's easy. Ok...you know when you have to flatulate
and for some reason you hold it...after awhile it goes away,
right? And now you don't have to let one go...what happened
to it? Where did it go? That's why I don't need no fan....Next?"
"I heard this somewhere....When is long journey not a long journey?"
"Yah, well a long jouney is not a long journey when you look back
after the long journey....Ok...check it out...you're prolly thinking'
'When I grow up, I'm gonna live in Hawaii.' Then you think again,
'Man, that's gonna be forever till I grow up to move to Hawaii.'
That's right, you gotta do some steps first...like you gotta be 2
years old , then you gotta be 3 years old...then I gotta get older,
grow a little taller to reach the gas pedal...then I gotta get smarter
to get cash so I can buy a plane ticket...gotta do all that first. But
next thing you know, you're 20 years old and you're living in
Hawaii with your Grandpa, and you're doing all kinds of stuff and
you got all kinds of headaches and stresses and you're thinking,
'I wish I was small again with my mommy and daddy.' What
happened to the time? Looking backwards, journeys seem short."
"OK...here's my last riddle: What is this fat around my opu?"
"Um...that's not fat...that's muscle."

Tough Customers

"Hey waiter!
How about
some water?
I like mine
with a twist.
And how
about a
booster? You
got boosters
right? Maybe
you can give
me a regular
menu...don't
be giving me
no stinkin' menu with stains all over it k? Cuz I'm gonna snap.
And don't be tellin' me 'Bon apetit' cuz I'm gonna snap.
And bring my friend here her own menu k?
I don't wanna be sharing no menus.
Hey, you know what? forget the water...bring me a snapple.
Cuz I'm about ready to snap...you feelin' me? Word.

Yup...."Honey Pie" Was Crap

"Grandpa,
what is
this song
that Uncle
Andrew is
playing?"
"It's an old
song by the
Beatles,
'Martha
My Dear'.
Paul said
he wrote it
about his
sheepdog. It's cool cuz it changes keys couple of times
during the song. One of the good songs from the
White Album."
"Better than 'Blackbird' or 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps'?"
"No...not that good."
"Grandpa, which one was crap? 'Obladi Oblada' or 'Number 9'?"
"Honey Pie."

Grandpa Ritchie

"Grandpa,
do you got
the worst
cell phone
message?"
"Uhmmm
no...that
would
have to
be your
Grandpa
Ritchie.
His goes,
"Aloha, dis is Broddah Ritchie...
I no stay right now...Please leave
a message...Mahalo..."
"Grandpa, that don't sound so bad."
"Yah, but he says it really really really slow,
with a strong Pidgin, like Waimanalo/Stockton Pidgin,
and you can't help but picture him recording it
with the cell phone in one hand, a beer in the other
and half a manapua on his lap."

Aunty Mahina and Great Grandma Nancy

"Grandpa, what's
up with Aunty
Mahina's name?"
"Yah, umm...well
what happened was
your Grandpa named
all the boys and your
Grandma named all
the girls. I named
Damian after my dad
and Andrew after my
Grandpa. Troy Taylor
Keoni is a combo of
Toi and Roy. Taylor
is after James Taylor
and Keoni is cuz we
wanted a bible name.
But your Grandma
named Mahina cuz it
sounded good and it means 'Moonlight' in Hawaiian.
Your mom was named Moani which means Fragrance."
"Yah, that's cool but I was just wondering cuz in
Tagalog, Mahina means 'weak' or 'slow'. So Bookbooks
prolly freak out when they see her name is Mahina yah?"
"No, they freak out when they see pretty she is and how
she looks like her Grandma."

One Pontytail Baby Girl

"Grandpa,
do you like
to drink
vitamin
water?"
"Oh yah,
it gives you
energy I
guess..."
"Uh huh,
well maybe
somebody
needs to
drink more
of it cuz apparently you need energy to make ponytails.
Sometimes you get so weak that you can only make a
ponytail on one side. They'll be like, "I can't be making
all kinds of ponytails all day. I can't be combing all kinds
of hair and putting rubber bands on 'em. What do you
think I am? A machine? Yah...let me just use whatever
energy I have left in my tired body to make just ONE
ponytail on my daughter. Cuz that's about all I can give.""

Sadie Bug

"Grandpa,
what do you
think about
Sadie Bug?"
"Her name
is cool cuz
actually her
name is
Mercedes
but it's cool
to call her
Sadie Bug."
"What about
my cool fur
jacket?"
"Actually, it's prolly beaver pelt."
"Grandpa, do they got white beavers?"
"Yup, in the wintertime up in Canada...
Canada got a lot of animals that turn white in the winter."
"Grandpa, isn't that just snow?"
"How about if we just call you MaileBug?"

Your Mom Promised Too and Look What Happened

"Hey Grandpa, what can you tell me about love?"
"Hey little girl, how old are you?"
"I'm eighteen months old next week."
"Umm, aren't you kinda young?"
"No...my hormones are raging right about now."
"Actually, it's not your hormones raging...it's your pampers soaking."
"Are you changing the subject cuz you don't wanna talk to me about it."
"No...No...of course not...your old and gray Grandpa will be happy to
break it down for you....Ok, check it out...here's all you need to know...
1. Don't settle
2. When he wants a massage, give it to him.
3. Don't shop excessively.
4. If he makes you choose between him and me, choose me.
That's about all you need to know."
"Yah, Grandpa....um....actually, how do I know if he's the one?"
"Oh, that's easy....just ask me and I'll tell you. It would be nice
if he wasn't stink...also it's good if he shared your same goals
....especially the goal of making me happy. Does he listen to
good music?...YES. He got Celine Dion CDs?....then NO."
"So, if I find somebody like that...then I can marry him?"
"No...you can't marry him. You can't marry anybody. You
gotta stay with your Grandpa forever...got it?"
"Um...ok"
"Promise me little girl...you promise?"
"Yup...I promise Grandpa."

"I Need Cash" or "How Many Times Can I Say 'Crap'?"

"Grandpa,
can I have
some cash?"
"Ummm...
why?"
"Cuz I wanna
buy some
stuff....prolly
just some
crap....hope
you don't
mind."
"No...of
course I don't
mind. Do I mind that
your Grandma does the same thing?....Wait...that
might not be a good example. Anyway, here's what
I used to do when I was a small kid....I used to take
money from my mom's purse. You should try that."
"I don't know, Grandpa. Mom's purse is full of crap."
"Yah, just like your Grandma's purse. Well that's cool
cuz now you don't have to BUY crap...you already GOT crap...
just take whatever crap you need from your mom or your
Grandma's purse....whichever one is nearest by. Now you
don't need no stinkin' money."

Easily Amused Little Girl

"Ooooooooh,
check it out,
it's snowing
on the lake.
That's so
cool cuz just
yesterday
we were in
Hawaii and
today we're
looking at
snow. That's
super cool,
yah Grandpa?
Isn't it cool
how it's
snowing?"
"Ummm....
yah, snow is
cool. Did you
know that
every snow
flake is
different?"
"Ohh, um?
How could
that be.
They all look
the same to
me."
"No, each one
is unique.Each
little snowflake
is different
from the other
one."
"Wow, that's
weird. I guess
you gotta get
really close
to see how
different they
are yah?"
"Yah...that's what you gotta do. You gotta put 'em under a
microscope to see how each flake is unique."
"Yah Grandpa................................................................
This is kinda boring huh?"

Madness I Tell You

"Grandpa,
what's my
Tutu's name?"
"It's Maile"
"Is that her
real name?"
"No, her
real name
is Thelma."
"Wow...how
about my
Grandma?
What's her
name?"
"Her name is Toi."
"Is that her real name?"
"No, her real name is Thelma."
"Wow...what about my mom? What's her name?"
"Her name is Moani."
"Is that her real name?"
"No...her real name is Taffany."
"Wow...when will this madness end?"
"That's all up to you little girl."