Idiot Savant Grandpa

"Grandpa, what is
an Idiot Savant?"
"Actually, the word
today is Autistic
Savant. It's a guy
who is kinda slow
with most stuff but
really really smart
in certain stuff, like
Dustin Hoffman in
RainMan. It comes
from the French
word which really
literally means
Learned Idiot."
"Wow, Grandpa,
how do you know
so much about
Autistic Savants?"
"Cuz I'm an Autistic Savant myself. You didn't know that huh?"
"Really Grandpa? How is that? I know you're kinda mental but
I didn't know you was da kine Idiot Savant."
"Yah, well you're right...I'm mental with most stuff, but I'm a
genius when it comes to loving my granddaughter."

Aunty Sand

"Grandpa,
who's this
chick with
the blonde
hair?"
"That's not
a chick...
that's your
Aunty Sand.
And that's
not blonde,
it's....um..
brown?"
"Why is she
smiling for,
you old Baboon?"
"I think she's smiling cuz she's happy to be with you.
She sent you some cool slippers a while back and you
really liked em."
"Is that the only reason why she's smiling?"
"No, I think she's smiling too cuz she's a pioneer,
she writes cool comics, and she has a big family."
"Oh, I thought it was cuz me and her got bangs."
http://namaile.blogspot.com/2007/10/aunty-sands-cool-slips.html
http://ignorenation.blogspot.com/

Great Grandma Nancy

"Grandpa,
who's this
lady that's
standing
next to me?
I think I
seen her
last year
when we
came here."
"Yah, that's
my mom...
her name is
Nancy but
you prolly should call her GreatGrandma cuz technically,
that's what she is. That would be her correct title.
She's from the Dumaguete area in Visayas
region of BookbookLand. She makes excellent food and
everytime we come here, your Grandpa gains 5 pounds
in 3 days."
"She looks kinda young to be a GreatGrandma."
"What about me? Do I look young to be a Grandpa?"
"Whoa now....let's not get delirious."

Eating At Sam Choy's

"Grandpa,
am I sposed
to eat this
whole thing?
What is it?
It looks like
a gigantic
crab leg?"
"Yes...you
better eat
that thing
young lady.
They get
plenny people
in China that
are looking
for Yao Ming,
so you gotta
eat 'em."
"OK you old
and wrinkled
Batsmaru."
(5 minutes later)
"OK...I went
eat the whole
thing. It was
a little crunchy
and den."
"Next time, no eat the shell, my little crust-asian eating HaoleBook girl."
"Can I have ice cream now you Halawa Has-Been?"
"Ice cream? They get plenny people in China looking
for Lau Lau. You eat all your broccoli first."

Halawa Ilocano

"Grandpa,
is Halawa
an Ilocano
congregation?"
"Yup...but
not officially."
"Yah, that's
what I was
thinking cuz
I'm all
surrounded
by Books."
"Yah, that's
Halawa for
you , although
Uncle Morgan's
not a book...
he's a Soly
Haole."
"Grandpa,
what's up
with the
rooster that's
following the
chicken?"
"I don't
know, why
don't you
ask him?"
"Hey Mr.
Rooster,
why you
following
around the
chicken?"
"I, becos
I like dot one.
She is tessing
me. I tink I
will tek her to
de CockPite...
I hope I um
winning dot one.
Ip not...at list I die wit my bots on. I um telling you."

Namaile Da Ham

"Grandpa,
your wife
is trying
for kill me
an den."
"No she's
not. your
Grandma
just isn't
as skilled
as your
Grandpa."
"Well, she
conked my
head and now I get this twitch like David Byrne from the
Talking Heads in the 'Once in a Lifetime' video. And now
all da Korean Aunties and Grandpa Matt is laughing at me."
"Little girl, they're not laughing at you cuz you got a twitch,
they're laughing at you cuz you're a ham."

Aloha Stadium Swap Meet is Home

"Grandpa, do you know why I like the swap meet at Aloha Stadium?"
"No, my little macadamia nut...why do you like the swap meet?"
"Cuz you get to look at all da freaks walking around. Look over there,
some Aunty get about 5 or 6 fat kine Hawaiian bracelets but she get
broken kine slippahs. And over there get one guy's walking around
with a black Oakland Raider hoody sweater with the hood on his head,
but it's 80 degrees out here. And over there get one booth with some
Rastas playing Reggae music real loud but the next booth get some
Bookbooks playing Ilocano Christmas music the but the singer is
singing with a strong Flip accent."
"Well, Namaile....I wouldn't call them freaks."
"What would you call 'em den, you old chimpanzee from Igorot land?"
"I would just call 'em Local People. You know why I like the swap meet?
I like to look at all of 'em too. But I like to look at how they dress cuz
that's how I dress. And I like to listen to them talk, cuz it's home."

Calin and Namaile Looking For Stuff

"Hey Calin,
can you look
in there for
my Grandma's
cell phone?"
"No, it's not
in here...but
I found your
Grandpa's
brain...it was
in a jar marked
AbbeyNormal.
Ha Ha Ha Ha."
"Can you look
in there for
my Uncle
Damian's
brain too?"
"No...it's not
in here. But
I found some
scissors for
cut his crazy
ponytail...
Ha Ha Ha Ha."
"Hey Namaile
...what are you
looking for now?"
"My Grandpa
told me to look
for his wife's
good shopping
sense...but I
cannot find it."
"It's prolly in
the same jar
that my Grandma
Myrna's gestures
are in. The bottle
got a label on it...
it says, 'Normal'."
"Oh here I found
it...it's empty...Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

Grandma Myrna

"Grandpa,
what do you
think about
Calin, Aunty
Tiana and
Grandma
Myrna?"
"Well, my
little chunk
of head
cabbage kim
chee, your
Aunty T and
Calin is cute
and funny
but your
Grandma
Myrna is
CUCKOO."
"Why would
you say that
you crazy
Orangatang
from Ilocos
Norte?"
"Well that's
because she
has a funny
gesture when she's describing somebody that's paralyzed,
and she likes to put her granddaughter's toys down your
clothes."

Your People Eat Dogs...Not Koi

"Grandpa,
how come
Grandma
is telling
me to eat
the fish?
Can we
eat the
fish?"
"No, my
little ham
roll, don't
listen to
your crazy
Grandma.
She went
to Radford.
Cuz these
are Ala
Moana Koi
...you only
sposed to
look at 'em
an den."
"Isn't that
kind of
cruel you
old Flip
Freak?"
"What? Cruel to put these fish in a locked up pond?"
"No. Cruel to tease all us Bookbooks to look at da fish
but no can eat 'em. Your wife keeps telling me, 'Go
get da fish. Go get da fish.'"
"What little girl? Don't cha know da Bookbook Rule?
'No waste time taking small kine fish...
Mo bettah focus on da big kine fish'."
http://starbulletin.com/2007/12/19/news/story02.html

Some Things Just Cannot Be Explained

"Grandpa,
how come
we bringing
these Crispy
Creme donuts
to Hawaii?"
"Oh my little
creamsicle,
this is cuz
local people
like 'em.
They don't
have Crispy
Creme in
Hawaii dass
why."
"But Grandpa
isn't Crispy
Creme crap?"
"Well I don't
think it's the
taste of it,
cuz Hawaii
snacks is a
lot better.
Just like in
the old days
when they
didn't have
Coors beer in Hawaii...Whenever somebody went Mainland,
they had to come back to Hawaii with a case of Coors. Now, I don't
even think people drink Coors. And like if somebody goes Hawaii,
they gotta bring back some Hawaii kine shirts or Kukui nut necklaces
to the mainland. So it's more like you gotta get 'em cuz where you
come from don't got 'em'."
"Grandpa, is that why Grandma just bought some bags and purses?"

Namaile Keeping Occupied on the Plane

"Grandpa,
this is so
cool yeah?
I'm watching
Nemo on
this DVD..."
"Yah, that's
super cool.
But did you
know that
when your
mom was a
baby, she
didn't have
one of those DVD players. We used to just read a book to her.
Then I would say, "Hey! Go to sleep you little brat!" And when
your Grandpa was a small kid, we didn't even have books...We
used to just sit still with our hands under our laps. And when the
stewardess was busy, we used to help her sweep the aisles or
wash the dishes."
"Grandpa! Are you crap-happy? Cuz you're so full right now."

Funny Stewardess

"And now
passengers,
please take
notice that
in case of an
emergency,
just in the
small case
that this jet
will plummet
to the ground
at the speed
of sound,
please grab
hold of the
yellow thing
that will fall
in front of
your scream-
ing face and
take a deep
whiff of your
last breath.
If you're
still alive
after that,
grab onto
your seat
cushion cuz
it will become
a flotation device....
This will be a big help to you
when you're floating in 33 degree
ocean water surrounded by sharks
and 25 foot waves."
"Grandpa, the stewardess is funny."

It's Not What You Don't Do, It's What You Do Do

"Grandpa,
what is the
purpose
of bran and
fiber?"
"Well my
little hair-
ball...bran
and fiber
keeps you
regular."
"Regular?
You mean
like normal
kine regular
or opposite
of freak
kine of
regular..."
"No, I mean
if you eat
bran and
fiber...it
keeps your
colon and
intestines
free of stuff so that things just flow. So it's good to
eat stuff that's full of fiber like bark and brillo pads
and kalding. Anything from Taco Bell is also good.
Just think, 'What would a dog eat?"
"Wow Grandpa, you know a lot about crap."

Who Says Stupid Stuff?

"Hey Grandpa...
you know what's
really funny?"
"Um, your hair?
Your funny shoes?
Your rosy cheeks?"
"No, you Ilocano
and Visayan Has
Been. What's funny
is how people say
stupid stuff. Like I
heard some Books
ask ridiculous
questions just so
that they can keep
the conversation
going. For instance,
if one Book says,
"Today is Monday"
the other Book will say, "Is it Monday? I thought it was Tuesday."
That's kind of goofy yah Grandpa?"
"That ain't bad. One time I was doing store witnessing and I asked the
clerk how many months pregnant she was.............of course, she wasn't.
And one time I called a sister 'Manang'. I found out later that I was
older than her."
"Man Grandpa...........for real I know why Grandma calls you retarded."

Mental Table at a Mental Restaurant

"Grandpa,
so............
um..........
what kind
of nonsense
is this?"
"Well, my
inquisitive
yet worried
little girl,
don't even
stress about
this one...
Let me tell
you what happened here...
There was this 'sale' of mannequins at
Mannequin Warehouse. It was a 'Half Off' Sale."

"Isn't That Always the Case?"

"Grandpa,
Aunty Hina
has a new
phrase that
she likes to
say... "Isn't
that always
the case?"...
You can say
that anytime
...wanna try
it old man?"
"Ok.....wow,
that water
looks like fun!"
"Isn't that always the case?"
"Deeper water would be funner."
"Isn't that always the case?"
"That Bookbook got a strong accent."
"Isn't that always the case?"
"Your Grandma loves to buy stuff on sale even if
we don't even need it, your Uncle Troy and Andrew's
hair looks all jam-up, and your Grandpa loves you."
"Isn't that always the case?"

"Uncle Sean...My Balloon Smells Funky"

"Uncle Sean,
whassup?"
"Well, your
Aunty Mojo
is feeling a
lot better
and she's
really glad
that you're
here to
visit her."
"Yah, well
is there any
thing 'ghetto'
that we can do right now? What would my Grandpa
do if he was here right now? Something fun and free."
"Well, little girl, here's some examination gloves. It's
fun cuz I can blow em up like a balloon...and it's free."
"Excuse me Uncle Sean, isn't that stealing?"
"Oh no....these are from the trash can...they're used."

Pick-Up Lines

"Grandpa, is there
any pick-up lines
that are kinda
funny?...."
"Well my little
cocky mochy, let
me tell you a few
pick-up lines that
you might find
humorous...
'Hey slow down
sugar, I'm diabetic'
'Are you Jamaican
cuz Jamaican me
crazy'
'Are you African,
cuz African like you'
'Are you tired, cuz
you've been running
through my mind
all day long...'
'Here I am...now what are your other two wishes?'
'If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.'
'Hi, I'm Mr. Right...somebody said you were looking for me.'
'Are you a gardening tool cuz you look like a ho."
"Um....Grandpa....do you work a lot with glue?"

Namaile Learning The Piana and Harmonica

"Grandpa,
playing a
piano or a
guitar is
fun yeah?"
"Yup, it's
fun but it's
a hassle
trying to
learn...cuz
at first you
prolly gonna
sound kinda
junk...but
after awhile it gets better...just gotta keep practicing."
"Is the piano kinda hard? To me it's hard cuz I hear
Uncle Andrew play and he's moving his fingers all
over....I try to do that, but I kinda lose concentration.
Maybe I'll try the harmonica...."

Random Questions

"Grandpa,
Guilaos are
different
yah?"
"Yup, my
sweet little
kibbles and
bits."
"How so, you
eater of dogs?"
"Well most
people say
'oatmeal' but
Guilaos say
'Quaker oats."
"Grandpa,
sphincter
says what."
"What?"
"Grandpa,
what is sipon?"
"Sipon is the
Tagalog word
for the stuff
that's running
out of your
nose right
now. Most people would wipe it...but not
Guilaos. Especially your uncles, they let it
run down their noses till they were well past
'Hanna-Bodda face' age. I can see that you're
keeping up the tradition...."
"Grandpa, when I stand close to you, I can
hear the ocean."

Zikri Making Moves

"Grandpa,
are guys
gonna be
checking
me out?"
"Oh yeah,
and then
as soon as
they do,
I'm gonna
kill 'em."
"Grandpa,
isn't killing
bad?"
"Uh...yup.
So don't be
acting all
da kine
around guys
okay? Cuz
you don't
want your
Grandpa
killing any
of em K?"
"What kine
of stuff
will they
be trying?"
"Well, they
prolly gonna
do stuff like
play peek-
aboo. That's
just the
beginning...
after that,
they going
try ask for
your cel #,
good thing
you no more
cel phone yet. After they get your digits, they will
ask you out to go somewhere with food. Maybe like
a McDonalds or a Ruth Chris Steakhouse. Then they
going buy you stuff...they might have to borrow money
from people so they can do it. Something romantic like
John Madden video game. Either that or jewelry, maybe
puka shells or something."
"How do you know all these things Grandpa?"
".....Um.......I think I saw it on TV."

Surrounded By One and a Half Ilocanos

"Grandpa!
Am I all
surrounded
by Ilocanos?"
"Yes, my
little banana
peel. You are
...but no need
worry cuz
Grandpa Gil
is FBI but
I'm only
Half BI."
"Grandpa,
what are Ilocanos famous for?"
"Well my little Pie R Squared,
Ilocanos are famous for cooking
Pinakbet and Kalamungay.....
Um....That's about it I guess."
"Thanks Grandpa, I always value
your bits of wisdom. Although I
probably could have used a little
bit more wisdom on this one..."

The Cat Picture

"Grandpa,
what do cats
say when
they talk?"
"Meow"
"Yah, that's
what I was
thinking. But
for some
reason, your
wife is tryin'
to tell me
that they
say 'Mao'. Like
former leader
of China - Mao Tse Tung. Maybe in her world they say Mao.
And Grandpa, do you think it's appropriate to kiss a cat? Cuz
that's what your wife tells me to do. Man, does she even know
what cats do? They lick themselves...all day. I ain't playin'....
Anyway, I just kiss em anyway to keep her happy...."

Namaile's Chair

"Grandpa, do you
have your own
chair?"
"You mean like
Archie Bunker
or Frazier's dad?
No, not me."
"Cuz I got my own
chair. Check it out.
You jealous?"
"No, not really...
Junk, your chair."
"Grandpa, how bout
a brain? Do you got
one of those?"
"You mean like
most people in
the world? No,
not me."
"Cuz I got my brain. Most people got one.You should consider
getting one...You jealous?"

What Did the Zero Say to the Eight?

"Grandpa,
i like to
draw O's.
Cuz they
are cool
spherical
orbs of
whimsy...
and I find
beauty in
simplicity.
If you add
zero to
numbers,
it gives em
more value
....how you
like dem
apples?...and
if you're
playing
tennis, you
call zero
LOVE....
So let's give
it up to the
ZERO cuz
the Null set
Rules! HEEEEEYAAHOOOOOOOO."

Shady Tree

"Grandpa, I don't
think that it's OK
that we refer to
a tree as 'shady'.
Do you think that
the tree might
get offended?"

"No my little
honey bucket,
all the tree gotta
do is say, "Your
mom's shady."

"I don't get it,
you freakish old
Ilocano goofball.
All you gotta do
is say, "Yo mama
is shady"?"

"No, don't say,
'Yo mama'....
say, 'Yo mom's
shady'. Get it?
Cuz that's more
funny dat way."


".....yah........
okaaaaaaay..."

Waiting For Dennis Lindberg

"Grandpa, what happens to people who die?"
"Well my pretty brown-eyed little girl, if they're nice - God will
remember them and wake them up. Then they can be themselves
again. Why do you ask a question like that for?"
"Cuz I was thinking about Dennis. He was nice and funny too,
he had a lot of faith, and he played guitar. But I never had a
chance to play with him. I really wanted to hear him play guitar
and hear him sing too. Will we ever get a chance to jam with him?"
"Very soon my little baby girl.........very soon......."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22032266/wid/11915773?gt1=10613

Mac-N-Cheese Is Mainland Food

"Grandpa,
what do you
think about
macaroni n
cheese?"
"I don't....
I mean that
is mainland
food. Homey
don't play
dat."
"Oh really,
cuz I love it.
It's so good."
"Yah, well you would think that cuz you're a mainland girl."
"So, you telling me that you don't eat mainland food?
What is Costco Hot dogs? Mainland food right?"
"Yah, but whenever I eat a Costco Hot Dog, I regret it later."
"And what about In-and-Out Double Double Hamburgers?
That's mainland food too right?"
"Yah...but after I eat one, I regret it later."
"So...what I think you're saying, you Ancient Asian Dolt, is
that if you regret it later, it's not the same as eating it."
"Yup yup...you're pretty smart for a little girl."
"Yah....................I can't believe Grandma married you."

Grandpa, What Is "Akamai"?

"Grandpa,
what does
'akamai'
mean?"
"Well my
little char
siu, 'akamai'
means smart
in Hawaiian.
I know lots
of 'akamai'
people."
"Really?
Like who?"
"Umm..... I can't think of anybody right now."
"Well my old and barely useful quinquagenarian, are you akamai?"
"I don't think so, cuz whenever I tell your Aunty Mahina and her
buddies that I'm old and stupid, they always say, "You're not old."
"Ha Ha Grandpa, that's funny."
"Why is that funny my little taro chip?"
"Cuz I would have said, "You're not stupid."

Bubbles are Fun

"Grandpa, do
you think that
bubbles are
cool? Cuz I do.
I think that
all kids do too."
"Yup, bubbles
are super cool
...in fact when
your Grandpa
was just a small
kid, back in the
early eighties,
whenever I
would take a
bath, I would
form my soapy
hand into a "OK"
shape, and blow
the soapy suds
into a bubble.
Sometimes, I
can make 2 or 3 bubbles cuz, as you know,
your Grandpa is highly skilled, even as a young boy
way back in the late eighties."
"Grandpa.....Grandma said you're full of crap."

Can You Yell a Lilly Bit Louder Please

"Grandpa,
is it good
to yell at
people?"
"Oh my
goodness
gracious
no. It is
ok only
if the one
you are
yelling at
is a bad
Grandma
who needs
direction."
"Grandpa,
are you
sure about
that?"
"Oh heavens
to Betsy yes.
Yelling is
a lack of
self control
to be used only when your Grandma is hard of hearing and needs a little bit of volume when being corrected.
So yelling is sometimes acceptable when communicating
between grandparents. "
"Grandpa, what about screaming? Is that ok?"