Ilocanos Ken Dilis Ti Diyay! Mangan Tayon!

"Grandpa,
what is dilis?
It looks like
fish but it's
super small
... is it baby
fish?"
"Well my
little haole
girl, dilis is
fish, but it's
not baby
fish, that's
about as
big as it's gonna get. They make
good pupus - which is Hawaiian
talk for 'hors d'oevers'."
"Grandpa, if that little fish could
talk, what would he say?"
"Well, about a week ago, it was
probably saying something like,
'Hey brah, no catch m......aw crap!'
And then a couple of days later, he
said, 'Hey brah, no put flour all
over me and den........aw crap!'
And then yesterday, he was most
likely saying something like, 'Hey
brah, no cook me and make me all
crispy and den...........aw crap!"
And then today he saw you holding
him and then he said, 'Hey little
girl, no eat me and den...aw crap!'"

I'll Stay Up All Night to Hear About Your Day

"Grandpa, you
old and retarded
knucklehead...
is it hard to write
songs?"
Well, my little
bowl of Ginataan,
it's super hard,
and the hardest
part is saying, 'I
love you' without
the actual lyrics,
'I love you.' Back
in the old days,
songwriters
would always
have the words
'I love you' in
their songs, but
you hardly see
that nowadays.
It's almost kind
of corny to say
the phrase, 'I love you'. It takes a little more skill
to write a song which describes or defines someone's
love than it is to actually use that phrase."
"Grandpa, is that the same thing when a parent gets
older? When they have a little baby and they grow
into a little kid, the dad always says, 'I love you'. But
when the kid becomes an older teenager or young
adult, the dad doesn't say it as much. What's up with
that? Why do dads not say 'I love you' to their kids
so much when they're older?"
"I guess I really am old and retarded."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBc0Df_RQ5c

She's Having It and She's Eating It

"Grandpa, do you like cake?"
"Oh um yeah, I like to have my cake and eat it too."
"What is the meaning of that popular English idiomatic proverb?"
"Well my little bulaklak, it's like somebody who wants something
more than they deserve... or somebody trying to have two things
that aren't even compatible. Sometimes people will say, 'You can't
have it both ways' or 'You can't have the best of both worlds'."
"But Grandpa, you Visayan Nerf Ball, why can't you have the best
of both worlds? Why can't somebody have a TV and watch it too?
Or why can't somebody have a car and drive it too? Or why can't
somebody have a pet dog and eat it too?"
"NOW, you're talking. I like how you think."

Pretty Girl

"Grandpa, am I
pretty? Cuz I
hope I am."
"Oh yeah, you're
super pretty, in
fact, you're about
as pretty as your
mom, your Aunty
Mahina and your
Grammy."
"That's good cuz
it's important to
be pretty right?"
"Well here's my
theory on that...
if you were to
take a pretty girl
and next thing
you know, she's
puffing on a
cigarette, all of a
sudden she's not
so pretty. It's like
those tabloids and
you see these so-called beautiful actresses and singers,
but they're doing all these stupid things, and they're
not so pretty after you see all that. But then again, if
you take somebody like Ruth, and she's pledging her
love and loyalty to Naomi and saying the lovingest
things to her, I'm not sure how she looks, but the stuff
she does makes her like the prettiest girl in the world.
So if you turn into a bratty little brat, then you won't be
so pretty to me after awhile. I mean, I'll still love you
but your prettyness won't be as much as it is right now."
"Don't worry Grandpa, I won't turn bratty."
"That's good, cuz if you do, I'm gonna call you 'Thelma'."
"Thelma? Ha Ha! Grandpa, you crack me up."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReVLjDc5ExQ

Shake It Like a Polaroid Picture

"It Tastes Like Strawberries"

"Grandpa, how come you and Grammy are wearing scarves?"
"By the Lumps of Tigers! I was hoping nobody would notice.
As a general rule, your Grandpa don't like scarves, I hate it
most when guys wear 'em when it ain't even cold. They're
only wearing em cuz they're 'accessorizing'. Here, I'm not
accessorizing, I'm wearing one cuz the snow was going down
my neck.....Which reminds me of an old nursery rhyme:

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
cuz he was wearing a stinkin' scarf."
"Grandpa, are you retarded?"

Wool Scarves by 8 Year Old Chinese Kids

"Grandpa, you old and retarded chimpanzee, who invented
playing in the snow with old tires? That was a good idea."
"Well my little snow kitty kat, I'm pretty sure it was some
Bla-lah that came to the mainland for his first winter. He
saw all the people with skis and snowboards and he was like,
'Ho brah, I wish I had some snowboard and stuff. How much
is one of those snowboards anyway?' And then the mainland
guy said, 'Hey Bla-lah, those boards are about 100 bucks each.
But you also need boots, bindings, snow clothes, IPOD, gloves,
beanie, I-Phone, designer earphones, Rayban goggles, a wool
scarf with plaids sewed by an 8 year old Chinese kid that the
Jonas Sisters like to wear, and a Caramel Machiatto with triple
shot.' And so the Bla-lah said, 'Hey, how about that spare tire
you got on your van? Can or what? Tanks bruddah."

HOWZIT BRAH

"Grandpa, what's the story with the Shaka sign?"
"I use it whenever I say 'Hi" or "Bye" to somebody.
Or if somebody lets you in his lane, you can use it to
say 'Thanks Brah for letting me in your lane'. You can
also use it if you wanna give somebody a high five but
he's a little too far away...you can give him this instead.
It's also useful in the old Hawaiian knock knock joke:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Me ma.
Me ma who?
Then make da shaka sign."
"Grandpa, you're so smart."

Little Snowman and Lazy Twinkle Twinkle La La La

"Grandpa, you Ilocano Visayan orangatang! What's the most
laziest things you ever seen?"
"Well my little snowbunny, here's my list of the top 10:

1. Randy Moss when he played for the Raiders.
2. Your uncles when it comes to cleaning their mess.
3. Me after I went to an all-you-can-pig-out restaurant.
4. Most of the employees here at Snoqualmie.
5. That little snowman right there. He's super lazy."

"Grandpa, didn't you make him, and didn't you make
him small cuz, in fact, you're too lazy to make a big one?"
"Yeah whatever....and by the way, wassup with the
way you sang 'Twinkle Twinkle'? Don't know the words?"
"Yeah, but it's easier to sing 'La la la la la la la.'"