Ask Grandpa Stupid Questions....Part VIII

"Grandpa, 2 questions.....why do I suck my thumb and why
don't I use pacifiers?"
"Well, first question, why do you suck your thumb?
The main reason is so that you will have buck teeth.
Most models and beautiful actresses have buck teeth
and so it's natural to want to copy those beautiful people.
Also, when your teeth is buck, you can fit more food in your
mouth...there is more cubic centimeters inside of your face
for the food. Also, buck teeth comes in handy when you're
wanting to elongate your face...kind of like Celine Dion.
Second question, why don't you use pacifiers? Cuz pacifiers
makes you look like a retarded baby.
'Where's my binky? Where's my binky?'
'Your binky? Come here mental baby, let me slap your head.'
Also pacifiers is for lazy mommies who don't want to get you
your food or milk.
'Here baby...suck on this pacifier.'
You retarded mommy....get your baby some milk!
I hope this answers your questions."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0a7jSC4Ti8U

Top 5 Fun Stuffs To Do

"Grandpa, what
are fun stuffs?"
"Well my little
mango mochi
ball, there's a lot
of fun stuffs....
but if I had to
name 5 stuffs
that's fun I guess
it would be these...

1. Playing music
with friends....not
karaoke music...
but real music with
real instruments
and everybody
sings or tries to,
and the people
that play guitar - or
whatever - knows when to play loud and when to play soft.
Having people like Tucker Torigoe or anybody else that don't
give a rip is fun. Watching bookbooks sing karaoke is fun for
awhile, but eventually it gets irritating.

2. Playing basketball with friends....cuz basketball is the
best game ever invented and when it's played right -
nobody hogging the ball and everybody liking a good pass
rather than a good shot...and on those days when I'm in
the zone, it's even better and funner.

3. Eating good food with close friends and family....I think
good choices would be Grand Peking in Federal Way with
Guilaos....Salu Salu at Moreno Valley with Santiagos....and
back yard barbecue with whoever's with us at the time. I
like it best when nobody eats fat and gives me their fat...
I'm ecstatic, my colon is ecstatic and my tapeworm is ecstatic.

4. Watching something funny on TV....K-dramas, SNL,
Comedy Central standup like Brian Regan, The Office,
The Simpsons and old cartoons like Bugs Bunny....not new
cartoons which is junk, generally speaking. It's even funner
when the show isn't supposed to be funny, but it turn out
to be funny for the wrong reason. For example, bad acting
is funny. Stupid dialog is funny. Shows having to use a laff
track for sitcoms because the dialog is so lame is funny....
and of course any diahrrea, IBS or male dysfunction ads
are hilarious.

5. Going down crazy giant slides with a funny little girl....
and watching how much fun she has when she's on it. Then
watching her jump around cuz she's having crazy fun is the
funnest thing ever.

"Grandpa, When I Get Old Will I Be Mental Too?"

"Grandpa,
who's more
crazy...is it
you or your
baby mama?"
"Well my
little head
cabbage kim
chee, your
Grandma's
gotta be the
craziest in
the whole
universe....
check it out...
in her car,
she sets the
time around
10 minutes
ahead of
what the real
time is...like
if it's 8:00,
her car clock
says it's 8:10.
And then if
you tell her
to hurry up
cuz we gonna
be late...she's like, "Ey, no worry li'dat. We get planny time.
The clock is set 10 minutes ahead." So she knows it's 10
minutes ahead. She's looking at the clock and it says it's
8:10 but actually it's 8:00 and she knows it. What kind
of craziness is that? That's mental right?"
"HEY GRANDMA! STOP ACTING MENTAL!!!
HEY OLD LADY! SET THE CLOCK TO THE RIGHT TIME!!!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sILSrOyLpmo&NR=1

Tomato Butts and Dancing Hamsters

"Grandpa,
you like to
eat, yeah?"
"Well, I
think that
eating can
keep your
tapeworms
happy."
"Is there
anything
that you
won't eat,
you old and
shriveled
Ilocano-Visayan knucklehead?"
"I don't particularly care to eat chicken butts or the part
of a fruit that was connected to the tree....take a tomato
for example...when you cut the tomato to make slices, if
you look at where the tomato was connected to the vine,
there's a black round thing that kind of looks like a butthole.
I find that unappealing and not edible...kind of like chicken
butts is not edible...it's where the chicken made doodoo...
on the other hand, I will eat pork butt...maybe because it
tastes so good, and that the fact that it's the pig's butt doesn't
bother me so much...so there you have it. I will eat anything
in the world, except tomato buttholes and chicken butts.
Now while you think about that, enjoy these dancing hamsters."
http://www.webhamster.com/

"No Pho-toe! No Pho-toe!"

"Grandpa, check
it out....I'm a big
girl now...I got my
ill swerve on..."
"Um...ok."
"OK...here I go...
cool car...
Check.
Little Kitty bag...
Check.
Bangs...
Check.
Hair blowing in the
wind but no wind...
Check.
Beamer logo on
aluminum wheels...
Check.
Black boots like Nancy
Sinatra and Jessica "Tuna isn't Chicken that's why Tony Romo
Dumped Me" Simpson....
Check.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9_6onb5sy4

Life On Mars With Grandma

"Grandpa,
check out
your wife,
she's like
holding my
hand so I
don't fall
in the water
here in the
Tacoma
Museum of
Glass."
"Yeah, she's
useful every
once in a
while."
"Grandpa,
if you could
go back in
time, what
would you
do different?
Anything
you'd like
to change?"
"If I could,
I would
have had
20 kids, so that you could have some cousins to hang with.
I mean the chances would have been greater, anyway.
You might have a musical cousin named Flaco...
a knucklehead cousin named Damian Junior...
an artistic but moody cousin named Rogaine...
an athletic and super cute cousin named Honeygirl...
and maybe a little special but "slow" one named Radford."
"If you could go back in time...that's what you'd do? Are
you retarded, you knucklehead of the Filipino persuasion?"
"Yeah, I guess you're right....I'll leave time traveling to my
new favorite show on ABC, "Life On Mars".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOHAbX1zvFM

The Ugly Facts

"Grandpa,
how come
when I act
all mental,
some people
will say I'm
funny...but
other people
will say I'm
mental?"
"Well, my
little Irish-
Book-Pake,
that's cuz
of the Ugly/Pretty rule."
"Grandpa, you freakish mental Filipinucklehead, what is
the Ugly/Pretty rule?"
"Well...it goes like this....
If you're a pretty girl and you act all mental or you say
something mental, people will laugh and say, "She's so funny."
But if you're ugly, then people will say, "What an idiot!" If
you are pretty and you say, "Can I borrow 10 bucks?" then
people will say, "10 bucks? Here....take 20." But if you is ugly,
then people will say, "10 bucks? Get out of here...you ugly!".
If you cut someone off on the road and you're pretty, then
people will wave and say, "No problem sistah...cut in front of
me anytime." But if you is ugly and you cut someone off, then
they will say, "Hey Stupid! You know how fo' drive or what?"
That is the Ugly/Pretty Rule. What you tink about dat?"
"Well Grandpa, I'm worried cuz one girl is laughing at me, and
the other haole girl isn't laughing.....I don't think I like that rule."
"Don't worry my little Namaile, you're pretty."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5kfLG4c_PE

Share a Thumb...Share Aloha

"Grandpa,
I feel kind
of bad cuz
people are
always like
giving me
stuff...but
cuz I'm just
a little kid,
I don't got
nothing to
give back
to them."
"What? You
telling me that you don't got no money in your checking?
You cannot go to the ATM and pull out a twenty? Oh
da junk little girl you."
"Grandpa, all I got is this thumb. You like some?"

Donny Hathaway Applejack

"Grandpa,
my Aunty
Candace let
me borrow
her hat...it's
a little big
but it's aight."
"Yeah, well
that's what
chicks do...
they always
borrow other
people stuff
and den. I'm
gonna tell you
the rules bout
borrowing
other people
clothes k?
1. Ask...no
just take.
2. Clean 'em
when you pau.
No bring 'em
back all hauna
smelling like
hamburgers
and garlic.
3. Let other
people borrow your stuff too. Don't just let 'em borrow your crap.
Let 'em borrow your good stuff....like your Miley Cyrus bvd's.
4. Return 'em right away. No return 'em when it's out of style.
'Hey thanks for returning my Raiders jacket...the one you borrowed
back in '83....thanks for returning 'em now when the Raiders suck.'"
"Wow Grandpa, you must be the smartest Grandpa in the world."
"Nothing can be more true dan dat...and by the way...Aunty Candace's
hat is called an 'applejack' and whenever I see one I think of this guy."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2szdl1o6y9k&feature=related

"Luuuuuuuuuke......I'm Your Faaaaaatheeeeer"

"Grandpa,
do you like
to go in a
hot tub? I
like it cuz
they get
these jets
of water and
it shoots out
and my back
gets a free
massage."
"Well my
little fishy,
your Grandpa don't ever get to go to a hot tub....ever...
in his whole life. But I would take a bath every once in
a while. It's fun when you are under water except for
your nose which sticks out so you can breathe. Then
you can hear your heart beating and your breathing is
kind of loud. That's when I like to say in a low voice,
"Luuuuke.....I'm your father." It sounds really loud and I
sound just like Darth Vader. So if I ever get in a hot tub
...that's a what I'm a gonna do."
"Grandpa, you're a freak."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jdjv5ZwQcdQ

Good Driving Advice From Grandpa

"Look at me
Grandpa,
I'm driving
like you. I'm
driving with
my knees.
Why do you
drive with
your knees
you old and
dilapidated
Ilocano freak
of an ape?"
"Well my
cute little
manapua 'n
pork hash,
driving with
your knees
can be good
when you
need to text
somebody,
or if you
need to put
on some anti-
aging cream,
or if you ever
need to finish
your crossword puzzle. Sometimes you need to drive
with your knees so that your hands are free to massage
your tired knees from all that driving. One time a cop
pulled me over and said, 'Excuse sir, are you driving
with your knees? It seems that you're swerving and
hitting all those lane bumps, so I was just thinking that
you might be driving with your knees.' So I told the cop,
'Well yes, I am driving with my knees, but I need to have
my hands free to peel my orange and make some origami
birds and stuff.' Then the cop is like, 'All right sir, just make
sure you don't hit anybody. You might consider purchasing
one of those velcro attachments that connect your knees to
the steering wheel. Just an idea.' That was a cool cop."

Evelyn Wood School of Mental

"Grandpa,
check it out
...I'm a real
fast reader
and there's
a lot of good
stuff in here.
Like Job is
the greatest
of all Asians,
and one of
those minor
prophets
was a nipper
of pigs and
Jeremiah
25:27 says
that puking
is cool."
"Well little
girl, that's
interesting.
By the way,
how fast are
you reading?"
"Ohh..I think
I can read
somewhere
around 200 pages a minute.
Only one problem....my retention isn't so good."