That's Right...She's 1/8 Ilocano....BaBAM!

"Grandpa,
am I an
Ilocano?"
"Well my
little Book
book, you
are 1/8 cuz
your mom
is 1/4 and
your old
gray haired
monkee is
1/2."
"What does
that mean Grandpa? Am I only 1/8 cool as these
local girls? Check em out with their YSL, de la Renta,
and JC Penne'. Every color of a rainbow is displayed
right cheeyah. Every Manong in the house is like, 'Hey!
Can you be a penpal for my cousin in Batac?"
"Yah, well Aunty Apolonia used to dance for Prince, and
all the Bungcayaos are straight-up Ilocos G's. So you got
a lot to live up to my little granddaughter. Just remember
FBI isn't just a Law Enforcement Agency...it's....something
or another...I can't think of anything clever to say."

Let Me Demonstrate Something....

"Grandpa,
can you
show me
what is a
Heimlich?"
"Sure my
little POG,
let's say
that your
loved one
is choking
on a piece
of Dah-Ing,
all you gots
to do is grab
around her epiphalagottis and
quickly jerk upward with a 'Take
-That-You-Swine!' motion. If that's
not possible, then jerk upward with
several thrusts in a 'Get Thee Out of there!
motion.' Eventually, after a period of
time, a piece of something will eventually
fly out. That is what a 'Heimlich' is all about."
"Wow Grandpa, you're just like a doctor."
"Yes.....many people think that."

I Think I'll Stick to "Cool" and "Right On"

"Grandpa,
tell me how
you talked
when you
were a kid"
"Well my
sweet little
papoose,
when I was
a teenager
back in the
late 80's...
we used to
say stuff like,
'Oh, that's cool' or 'Oh that was unreal'
or 'Yah that was crazy' or 'Yah that chick
is right on'. How about you guys, how do
the kids talk today?"
"Well Grandpa, today we say stuff like, 'Oh,
that's sick'. Sometimes we say 'He's the bomb'
or 'She's so Phat'."
"Why not, 'She's such a Phat, sick bomb'?"

Why Didn't You Say So?

"Grandpa,
can you
tell your
wife to
give me
some milk?"
"Sorry my
baby girl,
she's all
dried up...
her days of
lactation
are over...
the heffer's
retired...
the well's
dry and the
bucket is
empty...
the milk
dispenser
no longer
dispenses."
"Grandpa,
all I wanted
was a glass
of milk, yo."

Um.....A Hug From My Grandpa.........Duhhh!

"Grandpa,
did you
ever find
money on
the ground?"
"Well, one
time your
old gray
haired
Ilocano/
Visayan
Grandpa
found 20
bucks. I
kind of hit
the jackpot with that one. It was down by Cooke Street along
a fence. After that, I kept looking on the ground for months
thinking I was gonna find something like that again, but it
never happened. Say La Vee. We used to know this guy at
work that was always looking for money, so we used to throw
coins on the sidewalk or the road before he got there. Yah,
I can amuse myself quite easily I guess."
"Well, my wrinkled and shriveled-up old Bookbook, I'm gonna
keep looking till I find something like you did. But I'm gonna
find something better that 20 bucks...."
"And what might that be, my little almond rocha?"

OK...So You're Both Retarded

"Grandpa,
why do we
water the
plants?"
"Because
my little
inquisitive
bumblebee,
we water
the plants
so that
they won't
die...they
need water
cuz they're
thirsty...
they need
water so
that the
chlorophyl
coagulates
with the
phosphates
and stuff...
they need
water so
that the
shampoo
don't get
all caked
up in the
leaves...
they need
water so
they can
wash and
scrub all
inside their
nooks and
crannies...
have you
ever smelled
a plant that
was all pilau?"
"Grandma....what? Is Grandpa retarded?"
"Well if I say no, then I look retarded. But
if I say yes, then you'll wonder why I married him."

She's No Idiot

"Hey little
girl! Did
you hear
about the
guy who
dove into
a pool of
water that
was only
12 inches
deep? He
dove from
35 feet in
the air.
What do you think about that guy?"
"He's a knucklehead!"
That's right. She's a Genius.
diving knucklehead video

Sometimes She Make Da Kine She-She Pamps

"Grandpa,
what are
these things
that are on
this bush?"
"Well my
little pork
hash, it's a
blackberry
and in the
summer,
they get
so much
blackberry bushes everywhere
that's full of blackberry. But you
gotta remember to only pick up
the fruit that's up high, OK?"
"How come, old Gray Haired Grandpa?"
"Cuz the dogs might she-she on the stuff
near the bottom."
"How come dogs do that? So shame yah?"
"Yah, too bad they're not civilized like us yah?
Now keep still while I change your pampers."

Uh Oh....There Goes Your Time Again!

"Here's a real
funny story,
bla bla bla bla
...now forward
to 10 other
knuckleheads
or else you
will have bad
things happen
to you..."
"What do you
think Uncle
Tyler?"
"Delete"
"Greetings
from Kenya,
I am a prince
and I got a
Bazillion bucks
but I need
your bank
routing number
...please send it
right away or
else I will die
from Cancer."
"Delete"
"Hi, I am an
Old Bookbook
with a pretty
granddaughter
whose name is
Namaile. She
is a genius and
I have gray
hair and I am
a knucklehead
with nothing
better to do
than waste
your time by
reading this
mental blog. Oops...there goes another 5 minutes of
your time. Please forward this to 500 of your closest
friends or you will have ukus in hard to reach areas."
"Save"

Hey, What'd You Expect? She Lives in Seattle

"Hey old man,
what's the
lowdown on
coffee? Is it
bad for you?"
"Well, it don't
really matter
if it's bad or
not cuz every-
body drinks
it. It picks you
up and gets
you hooked
like a wacko."
"Is there anything good about it, old gray haired Grandpa?"
"Well it makes you run faster, jump higher, sing better
and lose weight faster too."
"Anything bad about coffee, my old past-his-prime Grandpa?"
"Yah, well it's a diuretic and it makes you pee a lot. In fact, it
looks like you squirted a little bit there my little cinnamon roll."
"How come you don't drink it Grandpa?"
"Cuz the Depends was making my butt look big."

Ri-Sick-ulous

"Grandpa, what
is this black
stuff that keeps
following me
around?"
"It's a shadow
my little cherry
tomato. It's cool
cuz it keeps you
cool. If you stay
in it, you won't
get hot and
sweat like a pig.
Because you're
a bookbook, you
will eventually
use an umbrella
even when it's
not raining.
Bookbooks are
Shade Experts.
Older books are
careful not to
get dark but
younger books
don't give a
rip."
"Grandpa, isn't
that ridiculous? I mean isn't it ridiculous to use an
umbrella when it's not raining?"
"I prefer to use the word - Risickulous."

Crap, Crap, and Double Crap

Aunty Mahina
is gesturing to
my little slice
of custard pie.
She's saying,
"OK Namaile,
you see that
TV over there.
It can be your
friend. You
must watch
good shows
like, 'Dog the
Bounty Hunter'
and 'Pimp my
Ride' and 'Rachel Ray the Freak is Gonna Burn Something'
and 'Oakland Raiders on MNF' and K Dramas. If you watch
crap, it's like eating crap...got it?"
"Um....Aunty Mahina....what about News and stuff like that?"
"Crap"
"Um...Aunty Mahina....what about sports other than Raiders?"
"Crap"
"Um...Aunty Mahina...what about anything with Hasslehoff?"
"Double Crap"

"I Wish I Was Young Again?" You Knucklehead

"I wish I was
young again"
she says.
"Hey you
knucklehead,
you're only
13 months
young. What?
I was there...
ask me...I'll
tell you...",
i says back.
"K den old
man, how
come I no
see any pics
of you holding
me the day I
was born?"
she says....
"I'm pretty
sure I held
you...maybe
not the first
hour cuz all
these peeps
was stealing
you from me.
So I had the
camera, and
they had the
baby" says
me.
"How come
there's a pic
of me kinda
laughing?"
she says.
"All I did was
say 'Grandpa'
and you just
busted out."
"And how come there's a pic of me all serious?" she says.
"Cuz, I just explained to you that you are a Guilao. You
will be expected to do a lot of mental things. Borderline
retarded things. Some people are gonna ask you to dance
hula at parties. Other people will ask you to play guitar and
sing like a monkee....you will do it. Your relatives on your
mom's side will be bookbooks and kanaks. Don't let that
prevent you from being what you really are...Half Haole/
Half Bookbook-Kanak. In fact you are an Ilocano Bookbook
as well.....good thing you won't attend Radford, otherwise
....(gesture of neck slash). So that's why the serious face."
"Oh", she says, "I thought it was cuz I was hungry."

Grandma's Beautiful ToeJams

"Grandpa,
what is my
Grandma
doing?"
"Well my
little Pez
dispenser,
she's getting
her toenails
done. It's
supposed to
make her
'beautiful'."
"Is that a
Vietnamese
lady doing her toes? How come it's better when
a Vietnamese does nails my old gray haired Grandpa?"
"Well, it's cuz they're really good at 'small talk'."
Nail Lady Video

For Just 5?...No Way You Knucklehead!

"Here little
girl, let me
tell you a
joke while
I blowdry
your hair.
Once upon
a time this
guy was in
a double
outhouse
with his
friend the
farmer.
So he sees
the farmer
throw a 20
dollar bill
down the
doodoo
place. So
he asks,
'How come
you threw
20 bucks
down the
hole?' And
then the
farmer said,
"Well, I dropped a 5 dollar bill there a second earlier
and I was thinking, 'I'm not gonna stick my hand down
there for only 5 bucks.'"

6 Degrees of Namaile

"Grandpa, what is 6 degrees of
Kevin Bacon? That sounds mental."
"Well my curious little twinkie bar,
it kinda began in 1929 when this
Hungarian writer wrote a short
story called "Chains". He said that
anyone on the planet can be
connected to any other person on
the planet through a chain of
acquaintances that has no more
than 5 people in the middle. Then
in 1967 this guy named Milgram
called his theory "the small world
problem" where he had people
randomly selected in the midwest
send packages to people in Boston
who they didn't know. So they
would contact people who they
thought might know, and then
they contacted people who might
know, and eventually after 5 or
6 times they would get the
package to the person in Boston.
In 1990, John Guare wrote a play
called "6 degrees of separation"
and then somebody made a
board game called "6 degrees of
Kevin Bacon."
"Actually Grandpa, your answer
was too long."
"Anyway, I have my own theory
that's called '6 degrees of little
Namaile' and I'm gonna prove it.
Name anything."
"OK Grandpa....spaghetti."
"Allright, 1)Spaghetti
2)Lady and the tramp ate it.
3)Lady and the tramp were dogs.
4)Filipinos eat dogs
5)Filipinos eat pigs
6)Namaile eats pigs and she's
1/4 Filipino
...........Ba-BAM!"
"Grandpa...is that your space-
ship? I think you missed your
flight."

No...You Just Talk Funny, That's All

"Grandpa,
what is a
Po-tagee?"
"Well it
kind of
depends
little girl.
Sometimes
a Pohtagee
is sumbody
from the
country
Portugal.
That's
very rare.
Usually, it's
somebody
who likes
to talk a
lot...and
sometimes
it's just
somebody who just verbalizes excessively."
"So den what Grandpa, am I Po-tagee?"
PotageeVideo
Potagee 1
Potagee 2

Uncle Tyler's Extra Dimples

"Grandpa,
what does
it mean if
somebody
says, "Too
much infor-
mation?"
"Well my
little slack
key, you
might hear
somebody
say that
if they're
given more
information
than was
asked for...
often times
it could be
embarrassing
to somebody or unnecessary for others to
hear. For example, here's your Uncle Tyler holding you when
you were just 3 days old. Somebody may have remarked to
your uncle, "Hey Tyler, I like your dimples." If Uncle Tyler
would have said, "Hey, I got 2 more where the sun don't shine"
well that would have been too much information.

Hey Uncle Bubba-licious, Eat Your Kalamungay!

That's Uncle
Andrew on
the left and
Uncle Tony
on the right.
But I call
him Bubba-
licious. How
did that
happen?
Well his
name is
Tony but
for some reason they started calling him 'Bubby'.
So it makes sense to go from 'Bubby to
'Bubbalicious'. Prolly one day, that's gonna
happen to Namaile. Some bookbook aunty
is gonna call her something like 'Ming-ming'
or 'Ling'. And then down the road it will
become something retarded like, 'Ling-a-ding'.
Yah, that's likely to occur. "Huy! Ling-a-ding,
It your kalamungay! It's pull ub bite-amin."

That Was the Grand Prize You Knucklehead!

"Grandpa, did you ever hit the jackpot?"
"Well my little chubbawumpa, one time I put 2 quarters in a
newspaper machine, and it pumped out like 2 bucks in coins
and the newspaper too....I guess that was like hitting a jackpot."
"Wrong Grandpa, you hit the jackpot 6 times."
"How's that, my little honey-glazed macadamia nut?"
"Well, when you married Grandma, that was one jackpot. And
then when you had your 5 kids, that makes 6 total jackpots."
"And what about when you were born? What was that?"

NITPGITWWWAHGLHWAHH

"Grandpa,
what is lol?"
"Well that
is typing
shortcut
for 'laugh
out loud'."
"Grandpa,
what is
'lmoo'?"
"That is
'laugh my
okole off'."
"What does
that mean?"
"I guess
that means
that you're
laughing so
hard that
your okole
wen' fall off."
"Grandpa,
what is 'nitpgitwwwahglhwahh'?"
"Oh that's easy... that means 'Namaile
is the prettiest girl in the whole wide
world and her grandpa loves her with
all his heart'."

Grandpa, What is Cho Cho Lips?

"Grandpa,
what is
cho cho lips?"
"Well little
girl, cho cho
lips would be
abnormally
large lips,
think of Mick
Jagger or
Bubba Gump.
Someone with
cho cho lips
would prolly
say that they had voluptuous lips...but no....it's cho cho."
"Is Uncle Damian and Aunty Janelle's lips cho cho?"
"No little girl, they're just faux cho cho. You might say
that they're perpetratin' their cho. But you know, some
people have their lips injected with silicone or something to
make their lips more cho cho. How you like dem apples?"
"Grandpa, are those people mental?"
"No, I would characterize them as retarded."

Namaile N Futurama

My little
snickers
bar likes
to watch
Futurama.
It's about
this guy
named
Fry that
got frozen
for 1000
years and
when he
woke up he
was in the future. She likes that concept of coming back
in the future. One of the funniest and saddest things she
ever saw was in Futurama....
funny futurama
sad futurama

Namaile and Kaylee

"Sup Kaylee?"
"Sup Girlfren."
"You know,
s.o.c.my bff."
"Hey, what
about seeing
how many
flies we can
catch. Ite?"
"Uh...ok..."
(2 minutes later)
"Yo Kaylee,
how many
flies you
caught? I didn't get any..
"Yah, me too...I think we need
to put some bait in our mouth.
Let's put some peanut butter or
cheese or somethin'....."

See-Thru Eyelids Map

There's this
Costner flick
about this
girl with a
tattoo of dry
land on her
back. Well,
my little
bowl of Trix
kind of has
that on her
eyelids. She
got see-thru
skin and you
can see her
veins and stuff. One time I needed to find my
way to Temecula from Oceanside and so I
looked close at her eyelids and saw a map
of the freeway connections in Southern Cal......
That's so cool.

Clean Your Ears Old Man

"Grandpa,
what's the
best song
ever?"
"Well my
little baby
creamsickle,
that would
have to be
'Kokomo'
by the
Beach Boys."
"How does
it go, old
gray-haired
Grandpa?"
"Bermuda,
Bahama,
c'mon pretty
mama, Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go
Off the Florida Keys....to a place called Kokomo..."
"Hey Grandpa, excuse me....are you sure that's the best
song ever? That song always sounded like crap to me."
"OOOooooohhh...you asked for the BEST song? I thought
you asked for the WORST song ever."

That Makes Sense to Me

"Grandpa, am I gonna be able to play the guitar?"
"Oh yes my little mother-of-pearl inlay. I guarantee it."
"What makes you so sure, old man?"
"Well cuz of 3 things: 1) You love music.
2) You're surrounded by people who love music.
3) Your people eat dogs.
"I'm sorry old man, what's the connection between my
playing the guitar and our people eating dogs?"
"There's no connection, numbers 1 and 2 is all that's
required. Number 3 is just added bonus points.
It's like I can drive a car cuz I got a license and
I got a car. Our people eating dogs is a bonus to
my driving a car. You see the connection?"