Sponge Thelma

"Grandpa, do you like SpongeBob?"
"Oh yeah, he's a sponge. That's cool."
"Grandpa, do you like his friend Patrick?"
"Oh yeah, he's a starfish. He's cool."
"Grandpa, do you like his other friend Thelma?"
"Thelma? Isn't that your Grandma?"
"Oh yeah, that's right....she's our Grandma."

The PLANK

"Grandpa, you should really try out this P-90X stuff."
"Yeah, sure okay.... so how does it work?"
"Okay, here's what you do...it's so simple...just put in the DVD
and then just start working out with some retarded guy, a chick,
one dude with a fake leg, and like some other dude that just drank
10 Red Bulls...check it out, I'm doing the PLANK. I gained 5
pounds each month since I've been on it."
"Ummm, aren't you supposed to LOSE weight when you work out?"
"Yeah, right....Grandpa, you crack me up."

Pajamas in the Snow

"Grandpa, how come I can be in the snow while wearing only pajamas?"
"Well dass cuz you a mainland girl. Most local girls cannot handle."
"But Grandpa, I wanna be a local girl."
"That's funny. Alex Trebek says the same thing everyday."

Snowflakes and Grandpas

"Grandpa, what up with this thing about no two snowflakes are alike?"
"Yeah, it's true... each snowflake is unique. Kind of like how loogies
and fingerprints are all unique. From far away, each snowflake looks
like any other snowflake...but if you look really really really close,
you can see that one snowflake might have fewer points or fewer
molecules or something. Sorry if my scientific jargon is too deep for
your little brain. Anyway, looking at snowflakes can be like looking
at another person's qualities. From far away, somebody might seem
pretty typical, but if you get to know him and look closely at what he
does and stuff, you'll be able to see each person is a little different
from another. Take your Grandpa for example. From a distance, I
seem like any other Ilocano Visayan Tata Lolo. But if you look
really really really close, you'll see that I'm humbler than most."
"Grandpa, you're the smartest Grandpa in the world."
"Yes, once again little girl, you speak the truth."

Big Flowers ... Little Girls

"Grandpa, why don't you buy flowers for Grammy?"
"Well, actually I've bought SOME. Like maybe 5 in 35 years."
"Grandpa, that's pathetic. Don't you know that Grammy likes 'em?"
"Yeah, but I think flowers are a waste of money. Actually, I bought
your Grammy planny flowers in pots, orchids, and plants and stuff.
But buying a dozen roses, that's like a waste. I mean, once you pick
a flower off a plant, you've pretty much begun the killing process on
that flower. So, yeah, buying flowers is retarded."
"Grandpa, you're the smartest Grandpa in the world."
"Yeah, I know.... pass it on."

Getting a Foot Massage and Telling Stories is Fun

"Grandpa, tell me some funny stories."
"Okay, once upon a time there was a little girl and her
name was Namaile. And she liked to have her foot massaged.
And she liked to play kickball in the house cuz she thinks she
can really kick the ball far. And she likes to scream when she
is catching a ball or when she's charging to tackle you. And
her Grandma likes to say, "Bla bla bla bla"... of course, she's
not actually saying that, but it might as well be. The End."
"Grandpa, that's the best story ever.... tell me another one."

Listening to the Whisper

  

"Grandpa, I love my sister Naialii so much."

"Yeah, well why do you love her? Can she play games?"

"Um, no...she don't play games yet."

"Okay...um...does she know how to talk to you and stuff?"

"No, she just makes sounds but she don't really talk."

"Okay...um...does she know how to walk and do stuff?"

"No, she can't walk yet...she just kinda lays there."

"Well, she doesn't sound like much fun."

"Actually Grandpa, she's a lot of fun....she's always smiling

and she's always laughing and she's always following me 

around with her eyes...if I go somewhere, she contorts her

body to watch what I'm doing and is always laughing at 

stuff that I do. I'm pretty sure she knows that I'm her sister

and I think she can tell that I love her. And she can't really talk, 

but if you listen really close, you can hear her whisper...

she's saying 'Mmmmmmm  Mmmmmm' but I can tell that

she's really saying in her own way, 'Sister, I love you'."

"Yeah? Let me listen............Nah, she's just making noise"

I Love My Grandpa

Naialii Talking to "The Scar"

"Grandpa, where'd you get that scar?"
"A shark bit me when I was out with Jerry, Bertleman, and Buttons."
"Did it hurt when the shark bit you?"
"Why don't you ask the scar yourself? He's cool with it."
"Hi Scar. Did it hurt when the shark bit you?"
"Girl...are you talking to a scar? Do you know how retarded that is?"
"Yeah, but I just wanna know how it was when the shark bit you."
"Yeah your Grandpa don't talk to me. He's still mad about the bite.
Listen, it was cold, it was wet, and the ocean was angry that day. The
shark bit me, he did his thing, and now I'm here with my scar lipstick. The ocean belongs to the fish... and it's their world. Your world is just
pretending to be talking to your retarded Grandpa and pretending to
be talking to a scar wearing lipstick."
"Sorry Scar. Sorry bout the shark, and sorry bout the lipstick."
"It's all good. Just tell your Grandpa that Scar says 'Hi' ."

Grandpa's Rule

"Grandpa, do you wish I was a boy?"
"Nah cuz you're my daughter's kid. Your mom could
have all girls and it's all good. But your uncles should
have boys cuz "sons should have boys" is the rule."
"Grandpa, what kind of retarded rule is that?"
"I don't know, I guess it's just my rule. Anyway, your 
mom is good at making girls so she could just stick with
that and make some more girls one of these days."
"Grandpa, don't you think that if she's good at making
girls that she'd be just as good at making boys?"
"I guess we'll just find out one of these days."
"Ha ha ha ha, Grandpa, you're retarded." 

What's REALLY Retarded?

"Grandpa, my Aunty Mahina is carrying me cuz I can't walk or 

nothing ....so that's pretty retarded, yeah?"

"Well actually, that's not really so retarded... not as much as
imaginary conversations with a 4 month old baby."
"Yeah, that's super retarded. Grandpa, what else is retarded?"
"How about Al Davis?"
"Ha ha ha! Yeah, that guy is NUTS!"
"And what about Vietnamese restaurants that think I'm gonna
wrap my lumpia in a leaf of lettuce?"
"What? That's really REALLY retarded."
"And what about cameras at intersections?"
"Hoh BRAH!! That's ESPECIALLY retarded."
"And what about Grandma THELMA???"
"Grandma Thelma?? HA HA HA HA!! STOP IT! 
YOU'RE KILLING ME!!!"

Good Music - Bad Music

"Grandpa, I really like to hear Uncle Andrew play guitar.
Why does music sound so good?"
"Well, actually my little Azuki Bean, music is like beauty...
it's all in the ears of the listener or eyes of the beholder...
Yes it's true that music in general is good, even great...
like there's nothing purer than an acoustic guitar with no
amplifiers or effects and some sweet slack key or stuff like
that...but then again, there's some other stuff out there that
kind of is more irritating than it is ugly...
Death Metal
Any Hip Hop that's all about how great the guy can rhyme
At a bookbook party when it becomes "Karaoke Time"
Michael Buble
So, that's your Grandpa's theory on good and bad music."
"Thank you Grandpa, you're the smartest Grandpa ever."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVmTK46RZnI&NR=1

Don't Eat Anything Bigger Than Your Head

"Grandpa, 

what's one

essential

rule about 

eating?"

"Well, my

little pork

dumpling,

generally, 

you try to

avoid 

eating

anything 

bigger than

your head."

"Grandpa,

what about 

an actual 

head? That

isn't bigger

than a head,

technically,

right? And

Grandpa,

what's the 
biggest thing you ever put in your mouth?"

"Well, I guess it was maybe the time I put a whole

donut from the Bridgeport Donut Shop down in

Tacoma Washington. That's a pretty big donut

and that fit. Another time, I put a whole manapua

in my mouth...I don't think that either one is as

big as the time I put my foot in my mouth."

"Grandpa, how'd you put a whole foot in your mouth?

Is that even possible, you pathetic Visayan freak?"

"Stick around little girl, you got a lot to learn."

Two Sinkits

Clothes Match Your Food

"So Grandpa, check it out...this is a Sonic the Hedgehog ice cream.
It's blue so it makes my tongue blue...it's cool too cuz I dropped some
on my clothes, but you cannot tell....ha ha ha...that's pretty smart, yeah?"
"Yeah, well you're a smart girl. Let's see how smart you really are....
If you're eating a vanilla ice cream cone, what color shirt should you wear?"
"Oh that's easy, I should wear something white."
"Okay, and if you're eating some strawberry ice cream, what color then?"
"Oh that's easy too, I should wear something pink or red."
"Okay, so what if you're eating some vanilla swirl, gizzards and beef tongue?"
"Oh, that's easy too...I should wear a Justin Beiber shirt."
"Well, you really are a smart little girl."

Julie Pulie Stay Holding da Palagi Baby

"Grandpa, who's this Aunty carrying Naialii?"
"Oh dats your Aunty Julie. Her last name is Larue
but her last name used to be Pule. So that's why I call her
Julie Pulie cuz it rhymes."
"Grandpa,  you know any good Samoan jokes?"
"I forget the jokes but I remember the punch lines:
1. An ulu and a six pack
2. The poi? Oh da poi ket one kirlfriend.
3. A fella fell ofa.
4. Fila painga koing eat my dog

Bruno the Bookbook

"Grandpa, Play Right or No Toys For You!"

"Where'd You Get That Outfit?"

"Grandpa, is that really the Mad Hatter?"
"No, that's your Auntie Francheska. She's just wearing this
outfit cuz that's her Tea Party outfit."
"Where'd she get that outfit?"
"Oh she probably had it laying around in her closet."
"What about Auntie Ysha? Where's her Tea Party outfit?"
"Well my little butter mochi, her outfit is her smile."
"Where'd she get that outfit?"
"Oh, she had it laying around in her mouth."
"Grandpa, where's your outfit?"
"Well my little pork hash, my outfit is my brains."
"Where'd you get that outfit?"
"Where else? ..... it was laying around in my head."
"Grandpa, I don't think it's connected to anything."

(Unrelated video)
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/gossip/2010/06/isaiah-mustafa-new-old-spice-commercial.html

She Didn't Really Say This

"Namaile, what's in your hand?"
"A worm."
"What are you doing with it?"
"I'm holding it."
"Why don't you eat it?"
"I already ate 20 of 'em. I'm full now. How about a beer?"

You Can Close Your Eyes

"Grandpa, what's better? Holding a cat? or holding a baby?"
"Well, we used to have a cat... his name was Hauoli... we had
him when we lived in Brown's Point in Washington... and when
Hauoli would lay on my stomach, I couldn't move until he got
off. That's retarded, I know. I might be late for work or late
for something, but people would have to wait cuz Hauoli was
on my stomach. So that's the same thing with babies.... you
pretty much can't do nothing till that baby wakes up...
cuz all you want to do is look at her and let her hear your
heart beat as you hold her... and then sing her a song real
softly, like 'A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes' or 'Over
the Rainbow' or some James Taylor song. Eventually the
baby grows up and will sing the 'sleeping song' himself.
That's something that cats can't do."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_D0i7UC9UY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVrRpNBosJQ

Cool Pics

"Grandpa, I'm throwing stuff at some rusty barrels and
I'm holding these fake picture frames with my hand making
like the number 3."
"What a coincidence... when I was a young boy, way way way
back in the 1900's, I used to throw stuff at rusty barrels and
hold 3 fingers up all the time.... either that or I was dreaming."
"Grandpa, what makes a picture interesting?"
"Well, my little haole girl, I think a picture is interesting if there
is some nice color to it. I think a picture is interesting if there's
something unexpected, unusual or funny in it."
"Grandpa, when I get older, will you buy me a camera?
Cuz if you do, I want to take pictures that are unexpected,
and pictures that are unusual and pictures that are funny."
"Will I buy you a camera? I will buy you the moon.
And I will purchase the stars for you, my little Namaile."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGmdoOP7E24

Dufe Ding Head

"Grandpa, who are
these knuckleheads?"
"Oh....those are like
famous people and
stuff."
"Grandpa, I just
got two questions....
1. Who's the prettiest
Kardashian? Kim?"
"No, it's Courtney."
"Grandpa, here's
question # 2:
Is Lindsay Lohan a
Dufus, a Ding Dong,
or a Knucklehead?"
"Well she would be
a combination of the
three... I think that
the word is probably
'Dufe-Ding-Head'."
"Grandpa, you're the smartest Grandpa in the world."
"Yes, that's true."

Teaching Naialii How to Play

"Grandpa,
check it out,
Naialii is so
junk right
now cuz she
don't know
how to play
and stuff."
"Oh, that's
cool.....you
just gotta
teach her
some games
... here's a
fun game
that I used
to play with
your mom
and your
uncles....it's
called 'Grab
Some Stuff
and Put It
On their fat
Tummies.'
Let's start
with stuff
that your
Grammy
likes to eat.
Go get some
bacon....
there you
go... Now go
and get a
banana.....
Now you're
getting the
hang of it...
Now go get
some sweet
JW Black....
Yeah, now
you're really rolling with it.... Ain't this fun???"
"Grandpa, I don't think that Naialii is really getting this..."
"Nah, check it out...look at her face...she's all into it."
"Thanks Grandpa for teaching me cool stuff."
"That's what I do."

Charley and Lola

"Grandpa, I like to watch Charley and Lola on TV."
"Yeah, well that's cool. But when I was a kid, there
was no way I could have a TV in my room."
"Grandpa, what? Were you guys Nazis? Did you live
in Communist China? Did you have outdoor plumbing?"
"No, it was just the rich kids that had TVs in their room.
We had one TV in our house and it had a giant doily on it
with rabbit ears antenna and aluminum foil. We watched
rich Haole families on TV that wore suits and ties in the
house. The only bookbooks on TV was Faustino Respicio
and Filipino Fiesta."
"Wow Grandpa, now I know why you're mental."

"Hey Knuckleheads! Gimme Something to Drink!"

May 29, 2010

"Grandpa, what's a milestone?"
"Well my little banana peel, it's a marker used to show how
far along the road you are. It's an actual stone or a sign with
a marker that shows how many miles you went. But it can
also be a metaphor. Like a milestone can be an important
event in a person's life... showing how far you've gone in
your own journey, like the day you were born, or your first
day in school, or the first time you cheered for the Oakland
Raiders, or the day you found out money don't grow on trees,
.... stuff like that."
"Well Grandpa, you old bookbook retard, Uncle Andrew went
diving yesterday... wasn't that a milestone for him?"
"Actually, technically speaking, that's a Guilao milestone."

Blasting Alex Trebek

"Grandpa, right about now, Naialii's not too smart, yeah?
I mean, just look at her."
"Yeah, she's just checking stuff out and she's learning,
but actually she ain't that smart right now."
"Grandpa, is she smarter than a doornail?"
"Oh yeah, she's smarter than a doornail, for sure."
"Grandpa, is she smarter than a tub of yogurt?"
"Oh yeah, she's a lot smarter than a tub of yogurt?"
"Grandpa, is she smarter than Alec Trebek?"
"Is she smarter than Alex Trebek? Who isn't?....."
"Ha Ha Ha! Grandpa, you crack me up."
"Namaile, if you take everything that Alex Trebek knows,
and multiply it by 45,000, that's how much smarter your
sister Naialii is than Ms. Trebek."
"Ha Ha Ha! Grandpa, you're retarded."
"Yeah, but not as retarded as Alex Trebek."

Chihuly not Gilooly

"Grandpa, I like coming to Tacoma and walking the
Gilooly Glass Museum Bridge."
"Yeah, well that's Chihuly Glass Museum. Jeff Gilooly is
Tonya Harding's husband. He's the guy who busted up
Nancy Kerrigan's knee. He don't have a glass museum.
But he might have a Knee Busting Museum."
"He might have a Knee Busting Museum? ....Ha Ha Ha,
Grandpa, you crack me up.

"Straw Mental? No, Straw Sensible"

"Grandpa,
check it out
...I got me
this cool
drink. Do
people ever
blast you
for getting
a foofoo
drink with
a straw? I
think that
there's no
other way
to drink this thing, right?"
"Oh yeah, people are always like, 'Hey mental,
why you got a straw? Just drink it like a normal
person.' Yeah, the straw makes it easier right?
Whenever I drink my Decaf Americano with
extra extra extra caramel sauce, I do the straw.
I don't listen to the Straw Snobs."
"Grandpa, you're the smartest Grandpa ever."
"Smart AND Sensible. Yes, thanks for noticing."

Sweet Doodoo

"Grandpa, who are these two knuckleheads?"
"The big one is yo mama, and the little one is your sister
Namaile. Yo mama is my baby and Namaile is my baby's baby."
"Grandpa, is it true what they say about baby's doodoos?
I hear that their doodoo smells kinda sweet. I mean, it's
all from my butt right? So how stinkin' sweet can it be?"
"Well my little bubushka... it's all relative. I mean, your
doodoo can't be as bad as your Grammy's."
"Ha ha Grandpa, you're talking stink about Grammy's doodoo."

Lumpia

"Grandpa, when you see Nai'ali'i all bundled up, what
do you think about?"
"I think about food. Maybe a nice breakfast burrito.
Or if it's afternoon, maybe a nice afternoon burrito.
I kind of like the California burrito with avocado and
sour cream. Actually, I don't think Mexicans really use
sour cream in their burritos but whatever. I also think
about lumpia. The best is the one that Aunty Enoy
makes. There's this one friend of ours that taught us
to make the lumpia kind of flat so that it's more oblong
than round. It fries faster. Why didn't I think of that?
Most people dip their lumpia in sweet and sour sauce.
But the native way is vinegar with garlic and black pepper.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm"
"Grandpa, are you looking at my baby sister and thinking
about food, for real?"
"I'm thinking it, I'm blogging it, I'm becoming one with it."

My Sister Nai'ali'i

"Grandpa, is Nai'ali'i gonna have her own blog?"
"Umm, I think so.... one of these days. You got a name?"
"Ahhh...yeah...how about 'My people are fertile'?"
"Yeah, sure....that's a possibility.... any other ideas?"
"Okay, you old half Visayan freak, check out my top 4:
1. My people eat dogs - the Sequel
2. My people squat when there's no chairs
3. My people put patis in their soup
4. My people mix their Ps and Fs.

May 12 - A Little After Midnight - Baby Time

"Grandpa, what's up with all the cheese?"
"Uh, I think the cheese is like WD-40 so the baby just slips out.
How else is THAT gonna come out of your mom's junk?"

"Grandpa, why is daddy so happy?"

"Cuz he saw your sister come out and he thought, 'Ouch. Glad none of

my orifice's were involved. Thanks honey for taking one for the team."

"Grandpa, look at my sister! I'm so happy she was born."

"Yeah, well remember this moment one day in the future when she

pees on your lap."

"Nuff already. Time fo go moi moi. I need to dream about Hawaii."

Before and After

1. Puppy Ikaika
2. Ikaika 3 years later

3. Baby Moani 1978

4. Moani's baby Namaile 2006

She Throws Like a Three Year Old

"Grandpa, do I throw like a girl?"
"Yes, but that's only cuz you're a girl."
"Grandpa, I don't think that's true. I'm pretty
sure I throw this way cuz I'm still a little girl.
I'm sure if you were to throw left handed,
you would probably throw like how I do. But
you've been playing baseball since you were
8 years old... and now you're really old... so
you've been throwing for a long long time. But
when I'm older, I'm gonna throw really good
cuz I'm gonna practice, I'm gonna play softball
with the gang and I'm gonna like the Mariners
and the San Francisco Giants cuz that's how I'm
gonna roll. So instead of saying that I throw like
a girl, you should say that I throw like a 3 year
old cuz when I'm 7 or 8 years old, I'm gonna throw
a fastball at your head... then what will you say?"

Ikaika's Vest

"Grandpa, check it out...I'm hanging out with Uncle Damian's dog,
Ikaika. He's a good boy. He looks big, but he's really a pussy cat."
"What's that mental dog wearing? A doggie vest? That's pathetic."
"Yeah, Uncle Teje bought it for him. Don't you like it, Grandpa?"
"No, animals shouldn't be wearing people clothes. If he was to go
walking around the neighborhood, the other dogs would be like,
'Hey Ikaika! Are you wearing a people vest? YOU IDIOT DOG!!
Take that thing off!! You're embarrassing all of the other dogs."
"Grandpa, what is your problem. It's just a vest on a dog. What's
up? Are you really that upset about Ikaika wearing a vest?"
"Well, I just don't think you should put clothes on your food,
that's all."