"Throw Away the Crap"

"Grandpa,
what is the
best part
of food?"
"Well my
little bran
muffin, I
think you
know the
answer to
that one...
just look at
how you
ate that
cupcake....
you didn't
touch the
bread part
...you only
ate da icing
...and that's
because of
the first
rule of food
...no eat da
healthy stuff
...just eat the
juicy, sweet,
and tasty
stuff...your
Grandpa has
lived by that
rule for 52
years and see
what it's done
for me.... I
got polyps on
my sphincter,
beer belly and
high blood
pressure....
So in review:
If it's sweet - eat it.
If it's got a lot of fat - eat it.
If Oprah eats it - eat it too.
If it's 'healthy', be careful...it prolly tastes like crap.
Just eat the sweet and fatty stuff, and throw away the crap."
"Wow Grandpa, you're so smart."

Asian....or Oriental?

"Grandpa,
am I bukbuk
am I Asian
or am I
oriental?"
"Well....my
cute little
dimsum....
you would
NOT be
Oriental...
actually,
you are, but
not like how
most people think you are...
When people say 'Oriental' they usually are referring to
some Far Eastern land like Japan, Hong Kong or Philippines.
But actually, oriental is any place east of Europe. Iraq is east
of Europe, but nobody associates Iraqis with Oriental. And really
nobody hardly uses 'Oriental' in this sense anymore. When they
say 'Oriental' they mean Jackie Chan, Yao Ming and Make Your
Momma Proud (MYMP). One good way to remember it is by the rule:
Oriental is food....Asian is people. Got it?"
"Got it Grandpa."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehtfELH1xHo

"Grandpa's Retarded? What? NOT!"

"Grandpa,
is English
in Hawaii
different
from the
Mainland
English?"
"Well, as a
matter of
fact, my
inquisitive
girl with
hair of
bangs, yes
it's a bit different. For example, in the mainland when somebody
says 'What-not', it can be used in the following ways....
'I like to eat my hors d'oevres with grey poupon and what-not'....
but in Hawaii they would say, 'What is this crap? What? Not!'
Here they'd say, 'Here's the 5 dollars I owe you and what-not'....
but in Hawaii they'd say, 'I owe you money? What? Not!'.....
In the mainland they'd say, 'I'd like to introduce you to my
significant other...he's into Buble, Jonas Brothers and what-not'.....
but in Hawaii they'd say, 'That's a guy? What? NOT! He's a mahu'
....so you see, the words are used differently in Hawaii and mainland."

Choco-Latte

"Grandpa,
do you love
chocolate
as much as
I do?"
"Well my
little Cocoa
Puff, if I
wasn't
married to
your Grammy
I would prolly
marry some
chocolate....
but not just
any chocolate walking down the street. It would be
Belgium Chocolate that they sell at Trader Joes. It's
a milk chocolate called Pound Plus. It's 17.6 ounces
of pure love....hence the name Pound Plus. Don't care
for the dark chocolate or their chocolate with nuts in
'em cuz it's just taking up space that should be taken
by more chocolate. And if anybody else thinks that they
know of a better chocolate...them people are mental."
"Grandpa, are those people more mental that somebody
having imaginary conversations with their granddaughter
who can barely even say, 'grandpa'?"
"Imaginary conversations with granddaughters? Ha Ha ha
Ha Ha Ha! You crack me up."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoM7EgmzDls

Yes...We're Talking About DooDoo

"Grandpa,
what is that
orange
looking
drink that
you just
made?"
"Well my
little Haole
-bookbook,
that's my
psylliyum
husk drink."
"Yeah, but
the container
says 'Kirkland Natural Fiber Laxative'."
"Yeah, well Costco cannot spell psylliyum husk...and apparently
neither can I, I suppose. But it's a really tasty drink. It's good for
us old people. It makes me a 'regular' guy. You know what I mean?"
"No....what do you mean?"
"Ok...well, my orange drink is like sandpaper...and it goes down into
my junk and scrapes all the junkwall....and then all the scrapings go
into a special collecting area until it's time for it to go. If you love
somebody, you have to set it free...if they come back then....
......um..............I'm not sure how the rest of that saying goes."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzYfC_TubDo

"Open the Door, I'm Freezing Who?"

"Grandpa,
how cold is
it right now
in Seattle?"
"Well my
little snow-
flake, it's
colder than
the Hawaii
Football
team."
"Ho dats
ice cold..."
"It's so cold
right now

that the lake
froze and
the ducks
are running
around on
the ice...the
other day
a dog was
chasing the
ducks on the
ice."
"Grandpa,
if you had a
choice of
having a pet duck or a pet dog...which one would you choose?"
"Little girl, how many times I gotta tell you ... it's not nice to
play with your food."

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Open the door....I'm freezing."
"Open the door, I'm freezing who?"

Pinoys and Bananas

"Grandpa,
what are
some stuff
that books
do with
bananas?"
"Well my
little asker
of tanongs,
bookbooks
like to fry
bananas
and put
sugar on it."
"NO!!!!!!!!"
"Yes....and bookbooks will also make ketchup out of bananas too.
Then they'll put their 'banana ketchup' on their fried eggplant."
"NOOOOO!!!! GRANDPA!!!! OH the HUMANITY!!!"

Log Cabins, Tinkertoys and Eye Kalangot

"Grandpa,
you're kinda
old, right?"
"Yup, my
lil bubushka,
Grandpa's
pretty old.
I'm so old
that we
didn't have
cool toys
like you do
today....like
I never had
Lego. Back
when I was
a small boy
the only toy
we had was
muta.....or
makapiapia
or Grandpa
Gil calls
mukat. Me
and your
Grandpa
Dan used to
roll our muta
into little balls and play catch with it. I remember one
time we had this toy called Lincoln Logs. We used to make
log cabins out of it....which was wierd cuz me and Grandpa
Dan were small keikis in Hawaii and we were thinking,
'Log cabins? Mom! Da termites ate my toy!.'
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lincoln_Logs
One time I had this toy called Tinkertoys.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tinkertoy
It was good for making stuff. I used to make nonsense
kind of stuff. I think playing with makapiapia was funner.

Vinegar Bowls and Massage Chairs

"Grandpa,
you're a
bookbook
right?"
"Why, yes
I am, my
little kala
munggay."
"What are
some things
that books
do that's
funny?"
"Books are
okay with
gathering
around a
bowl of
vinegar and
everybody
dipping their
stuff in it...
sometimes
chicharon
or maybe
sometimes
it's fried
stinky fish.
Books are also like any other Asian...their old guys will go
to a store that sells massage chairs and dominate the chairs.
All the haoles are like, 'Honey, will you look at that bookbook.
He's just sitting in that chair and not letting anybody else
use it. What's up with these bookbooks?'"
"Grandpa, look over there...isn't that Grandpa Ritchie?"

Getting Her Dance On...While Keeping Pants On

"Grandpa,
why does
music make
me wanna
dance?"
"Well my
little spicy
tuna roll,
it makes
you wanna
dance cuz
you've got
good music.
If you're
gonna listen
to crap, then
the dance
muscles just
won't feel it.
You have to
make the
dance muscles
happy. It all
starts with
good bass and
drums. Then
you gotta have
some volume.
You ever notice that you could listen to a song in the car,
and the volume is soft....then the dance muscles don't get it.
But if you listen to the same song at home with a good stereo
and the bass is pumping... next thing you know, your head is
nodding and your butt starts twitching. If your butt starts
twitching right after you had a couple of bean burritos...
watch out....that's not your dance muscles...but that's another
blog. Anyway...it's funny how important volume is. So, bilang
repaso, you need 1. The right cut and 2. Volume.
But don't forget to wear a belt if you got one....and make sure
your dance partner isn't too old cuz she might pass out."

"Irking Things"

"Grandpa,
what kind
of stuff irks
you?"
"Well my
little brown
and white
cinnabon,
one thing
that gets
me all irked
and stuff is
when some
knucklehead
says, 'pardon
the pun.'
That's when
I feel like
saying, 'Oh,
and pardon
the egg that
I'm gonna
throw at
your head.'
Another
thing that
gets me is
when some
dingleberry
says, 'Oh, that's an oxymoron.' That's about when I
say, 'Oh, and you look like you just ate an ox you moron.'
Another one is when some tool says, 'You know what
I'm sayin'?'...of course I have to say, 'No...what are you
sayin', you dimwit.' Actually I just like to say the word
- dimwit. The last one that kind of gets to my last nerves
is when somebody laughs and then ends his laugh with a
sigh.....it's like, 'HA HA HA Ha Ha ha.......haaaaaaaaauuum.'
It's as if they're saying, 'Ha Ha that made me laugh.....uh-oh
that made me sleepy too.'"
"Grandpa, you know what irks me? The taste of glass."

"Your Daddy's Home"

"Grandpa,
check it out
....your wife
is reading a
story to me
....it's funny
....it's about
a little girl
who's with
her grand
mother and
they're
listening to
the Jackson
Five and
the camera
pans out to
a freezing
lake and it
shows some
pictures of
some crazy
people who
graduated
from high
school and
later on it
zooms in on
the most craziest of them all, zooms in so much that
it eventually becomes blurry....and then the camera
goes into a dark room where there is a fern leaf in a
wet wet place that eventually gets sucked into a vacuum
of death and destruction until it exists no more....."
"Most people call that 'vacuum of death' a toilet."

Fake Trains, Tapeworms and Transverse Colons

"Grandpa,
why is it so
fun to run
around this
fake train?
I'm just
wondering
cuz I think
it's really
fun, but I
don't see
you running
around this
thing?"
"Well my
little cold
sore, it's fun
to you cuz
it's so brand
new to you.
Check it out
....how long
have you
been coming
to this place
and running
around this
fake train?"
"Oh, I guess
maybe three
months?"
"Well, I've
been running
around your
Grandma
for over 30
years. I've
been sliding
upside down
and falling
all over her...
and let me
tell you... it
only got me high blood pressure and tapeworm."
"Yeah, but you prolly got that from 52 years of eating
pork fat and a somewhat sedentary lifestyle. Why don't
you try running around this fake train a couple times
and see if your physical problems go away."
"Uh oh... I think I can feel that tapeworm biting my
transverse colon again."

"Did I Wash My Hands? Ha Ha...That's Funny"

"Grandpa,
is there any
possible
problems
if I were to
eat snow?
I mean....
I already
know that
I should
avoid the
yellow snow
...but other
than that...
isn't snow
just like I'm
eating shave
ice without
any syrup?"
"Well my
little snow
bunny... the
only time it
could be an
issue is if
you don't
have clean
snow utensils
... I mean normally you use your hands to grab the
snow.... so as long as your hands are clean then you
should be okay...............your hands are clean right?"
"Yeah, MY HANDS are clean... what about yours?"

JoNAs BrOTHers PrEFer TuLLYs

"Grandpa,
why are we
at Tully's?
Don't most
people go
Starbucks?"
"Well my
crunchy lil
biscotti....
most people
go Starbux
cuz there's
a million
of 'em, but
there's just
a handful
of Tully's.
Did you
know that
Starbucks
actually
burn their
beans so
that their
coffee in
Seattle's
gonna taste
the same
as the one
in Hawaii and Manila and the South Pole?
So it's so they'll get a consistent 'burnt' taste.
It's actually a good taste, but if you want the
best taste...you gotta drink Tully's. It's so good
thAt the JOnas BRothERS DrINK It...YaYY!"
"Grandpa, why did you just randomly capitalize
certain letter just now?"
"I Don'T KNow...I THiNk iT'S cuZ I jUSt MentIONed
the JoNAs BRoTheRS."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfnGQXHAWgg

Yes, I Am a Guilao

"Grandpa, what would you like me to call you?"

"Well, I'd prefer you NOT call me Lolo or Papa

or Grandpappy or Grandknucklehead or Roy the

Wonderdog...... you can just call me 'Grandpa'."

"Sorry, I'm having a hard time with that... how about Grand-ka?"

"Yeah, whatever.... I guess that's better than 'Roy the Wonderdog'."

"Grandpa, how can you tell if someone is a Guilao?"

"Well, one way is that a Guilao likes to move their junk from

one place to another, and then call the first place clean.

Like your uncles...they're all Guilaos...what they like to do is

put all their dirty stuff under the bed or in the closet...or they

might not even give a rip and just put their crap anywhere.

And then when you asked em if they cleaned their mess,

they'll be like, 'Yeah, I'm all done....it's all clean now.'

Yup... I can see where you get your cleaning skills."

Green Babies and Sushi on Conveyers

"Grandpa,
look inside
my mouth
...do you
see what
I'm eating?"
"Um, yeah
...you're
eating sushi
and stuff...
like green
babies, and
fried shrimp
and fried
lobster ears
and rolled
oats and
eels and
poke and
all kinds of
Japanese
food. You
know that
sushi came
from Japan
and that's why
we got all of
these Korean
waitresses.
They put food
in different
colored plates
cuz each color
means some-
thing. Yellow
must be the
cheapest cuz
we ate three
plates of it.
And of course,
black must be
the most
expensive cuz
we only ate
one plate of it."
"Grandpa,
the black plate
had what?"
"Ummm......
I think it was
something
really tasty?"
"And what
was on the
yellow plate?"
"Well, you
call it green
babies, but
people just
call those
edemame.
When your
uncles were
small, they
used to call
brocolli -
'trees' cuz
they thought
that's what
they looked
like."
"Grandpa, what did they used to call edemame?"
"They used to call it 'genetically modified green fibrous peas of joy'
cuz they thought that's what they looked like."
"What do you call em Grandpa?"
"I call em 'soybeans'...... I don't know....sometimes I can be a rebel."
"Grandpa, why did they name the place 'O'cean Sushi and Grill'...
I mean, why did they put an apostrophe in the word 'Ocean'?"
"Well as your Grandma always says....'There must be a reason.'"
"You don't know, do you Grandpa?"
"Um ......................................... Nope."

Three Elements of Fun

"Grandpa,
why is it so
fun when I
jump on the
bed?"
"Well my
little chancre,
jumping on
the bed is
fun cuz it
incorporates
the three
elements of
all fun stuff
....physical
activity, an
element of
danger and
weightlessness
....check it out
....when you're
playing a sport
like volleyball
you got the
physical
activity of
chasing after
the ball that
some knuckle-
head hit into
the next court
and you got
the element
of danger of
when some
knucklehead
spikes the
ball onto your
flat Visayan
nose, and you
got your bit of
weightlessness
when some
knucklehead
serves a big
arcing under-
hand serve
cuz he don't
know how to
overhand it."
"Well you old
decrepit ape,
that's all good
except how
come your
wife finds
shopping for useless crap like shoes and bags so fun?"
"Well, my little berry of the dingle, she gets her physical
activity from pushing the shopping cart full of crap, and
she gets the element of danger of not finding anything on
sale but buying it anyway or sometimes the danger of
buying something on sale even though we don't really
need it and she gets the weightlessness part when she
sees our credit rating fly away."
"Wow Grandpa, that doesn't sound like as much fun
as jumping on a bed."

SpongeBob Square Fonts

"Grandpa,
do you like
to watch
cartoons?"
"Yeah, but
they don't
show the
cartoons I
like..."
"Really? So
what kind
of nostalgic
crap are you
gonna cry
about now?"
"Well my little dingleberry... I think the best cartoons are
old Warner Brothers stuff like Bugs Bunny, Road Runner,
Elmer Fudd, Tweety Bird, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Foghorn
Leghorn, Yosemite Sam, Pepe LePew and Daffy Duck.
In the 90's I liked the Animaniacs, and the Simpsons is
pretty consistently funny but the best stuff today........
Sponge Bob Square Pants....
But...still doesn't compare to Bugs, Daffy, Wiley and Porky."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZojTxgUi60&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UcXBcMxUPc&feature=related

What About Riding Airplanes with Friends?

"Grandpa,
what's the
3 funnest
things to
do?"
"Well my
little polyp,
I think the
top three
funnest
things to
do would be:
1. Play music
with friends
2. Party with friends and family
3. Play basketball with friends and family"
"Grandpa, did you notice that everything that's
fun with you involves friends and family?"
"Yeah, well....friends and family includes you, of course."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9em-ZCddWk

Thank You Mr. Gooleelee

"Grandpa, my last name is Brumet...what's your last name?
"Oh, well my apellido is Guilao."
"What does 'Guilao' mean?"
"Well, I 'heard' that Guilao comes from the Greek words
Gui - which means 'Wife' and
Lau - which means 'Loves to buy bags and shoes'."
"Isn't 'Guilao' hard to say?"
"Well, I always like going to Safeway (Vons) and having
the cashier look at the receipt before giving it to me....
then she looks like she's stressing for about a second or 2
before saying, '......thank you Mr..................Gooeylani'.
or '............thank you Mr..............Googly-A-O'
or '............thank you Mr..............Gillooly'.
I LIVE for that."
"Grandpa, why do they try to say your name? Why don't
they just say 'Hey, tanks bruddah!'?"
"Well my little kitty, people have different ways of thanking
people. Some will say, "Hey tanks bruddah" and others
will say, 'thank you Mr.........Gilly-ano'."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4WYEOSjHbY

Change? No ... Just Keeping It Real

"Grandpa,
does it feel
like I've
changed a
little bit?"
"Changed
a little bit?
No......you
changed a
lot. You're
a big girl
now."
"Grandpa,
what about
you? Have
you changed a little bit yourself?"
"Um....yup. I changed cuz I used to go to
Costco's and eat all the snacks that the old
ladies used to pass out. And whenever they'd
give me something to munch on...I would act
like I was actually sampling it...'Hmmmm...
this pot sticker is really tasty... what aisle can
I find these tasty little numbers?' In reality,
I was just grubbing down whatever to fill up
space in my transverse colon.
Well now that I've changed, I just take the food
and say, 'Thanks Aunty'. No need act all phonie."
"Grandpa, you're the smartest Grandpa in the world."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrG4lF_QNkU