Give It To Me What You Say

"Grandpa, are
you mental?"
"Depends...
why don't you
ask me some
thing."
"OK, if you
were allergic
to something,
like wine for
example, do
you think you
would still
drink it?"
"Depends...um....will it make my lips big?"
"Yup"
"And will it constrict my throat?"
"Yup"
"Then, gimme some o' dat wine! Gimme dat
wine RAT NOW!"
"And what if it made your butt big? Would you
still drink that wine, you old and wrinkly Grandpa?"
"You tellin' me it's gonna make my butt big? ...Well
in that case...Gimme DAT WINE RAT NOW!!"

Bongs! Bongs! Bongs! Help Me! ....I Hub Bongs!

"Grandpa, who
invented bangs?"
"Well, my little
Furry Khaki, I
think it was a
Bookbook. A long
long long time ago,
back in the olden
days, even before
Grandma was born,
people only had
long straight hair.
And then one day,
some Visayan or
maybe it was an
Ilocano Aunty said,
"Huy! I connot see
yore pess becoss
yore hair is cubbering
yore poorhead. In puck, yore hair is cubbering yore hole pess.
Do you hub her clip? Do you hub rubber bond? Were is your pess?
O my goodness...ip you get me dee see sore, I wheel cot dee
hair by yore poor head...O my goodness...now you are byu-
teepull. I wheel cole dis one - bongs!"
"Mamaati Kayo! Manang! I like dis one. Go! Tek my peek chore."
Click!

BFF....BGF....Whatever....

"Grandpa,
I love Isa,
she's my
BFF."
"What is
that BFF?"
"You old
Filipino
Primate,
BFF means
Best Friends
Forever."
"Oh...I see,
so what am I
my little fuzzy haired Mainland girl?"
"Oh you would be a BGFF."
"Is that Best Grandpa Forever and Forever?"
"No, that would be Best Gorilla-ish Freak Forever."

Me a Buffoon? Look Who's Eating With 1 Chopstick

"Grandpa,
what is the
sound of
one hand
clapping?"
"Oh young
grasshopper
...you ask as
a wise one
indeed. Did
you see how
I threw in
the 'indeed'?
Well, let me
answer your
question with another question. If 2 hands clap each other,
then the sound is 'Pak!". If you have one hand clapping
your Grandpa's face, then the sound is 'Wak!' But if you
have one hand clapping the air, then the sound is 'Wooosh'.
It is not so subtle a difference actually."
"Sorry, old Ilocano monkey. You are a buffoon? I'm sorry,
that shouldn't have been a question."

Full House #1, Hey Roy How Come Your Hair Gray?

"Grandpa,
Hey! You
dilapidated
eater of
dogs....what
is the best
K-drama
ever?"
"Full House"
"Why is that
the best?"
"Cuz Song
Hye Kyo is
in it. She is
every Books
dream."
"Kind of
corny but
yeah?"
"K-dramas
and corn go
hand in hand.
But a close
second would
be 'My Lovely
SamSoon'. It
actually has
better dialog
than 'Full House'
but don't take my
word for it. Ask these Koreans over here what they think.
Hey Opah Don and Nuna Myung! And what?"

Two Blalahs

"Howzit Tita?"
"Hey Bla lah!"
"So what? We
going just....
what an den?"
"What about
if we just sit
in this chair
and work our
abs of steel."
"Ha ha ha!
Abs of Steel."
"What? You
like one Bud?"
"Nah....Bud Lite. Ha Ha Ha Ha!"
"Yah...Low carbs an den. Wop-pah!"

Lactose Intolerant? Nope, Not Yet

"Grandpa,
what is this
mess?"
"I'm not
really sure
my little fish
taco. I think
it's either a
pudding thing
or yogurt."
"Is it a dairy
product? I'm
worried cuz
I might be
lactose intolerant. I seen on TV that when you are
lactose intolerant, you blow stuff out of your..."
"But don't worry little girl. You're too young to be
lactose intolerant. Maybe when you get old like
your Grandma."
"Wow, that's really old, yah Grandpa? When I get old
like that, will I be blowin' stuff out of my..."
"But don't worry little girl. I'll still love you."

Now You Know How I Feel When You Baby Talk

"Grandpa,
you know what
would be really
cool? If Pablo
from the cartoon
Backyardigans
could have some
bubbles coming
out of his belly
button. Yah, I
would be all over
that."
"Zingggg!"
"Yah, you know
what Grandpa,
that looks like a
Pablo you got
right there. Is
that bubbles
coming out of his
tummy?"
"Zwoppity
Floop...Flooop
....Floop....Floop."
"Hey Grandpa,
how come you
keep coming back
with sound effects
instead of talk?
Whenever I ask
you something,
you say 'Zoop'
or 'Zing' instead of
talking people
talk. What's up
with that?"
"Woooooo-oop!"
"Say what, you
old Filipino freak?"
"Woooooo-oop!"
"Wait a minute.
Did you just say,
'Wooooo-ooop'?
I think I'm starting
to understand.
'Wooooo-ooop is
your way of saying
'Pablo got some
bubbles. Yo! Check
out Pablo's bubs.'
Is that what you're
saying?"
"Ziiiiiiiiiinnnnnnng!"
"YaY! I think I can
understand you,
you freakish Asian
Orangatang."

Actually, You Dance Like Namaile

"Grandpa, do I dance like you

or do I dance like Grandma?"

"Um.....You dance like Elaine"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ku-VSuWJjDQ

"What's This?" "Um..My FACE!"

"Namaile, what's this?"

"Um...my little Magpiong nose"

"And Namaile, what's this?"

"Um...my ear minus another earring I lost."

"And Namaile, what's this?"

"My mouth that's waiting for some food but I gotta play

this knucklehead game of 'Name the Face Parts' first."

No Motivation is Better Than Bad Motivation

"Hey little
girl, do you
like to read?
Reading is
good for
your brains.
It makes
you smart."
"Uhm...
Grandpa,
do you like
to read?"
"Yah"
"And if I
read, then
I'm gonna
be smart
like you?"
"Okay, I see
where you're
going with
this.....
Allright,
allright, if
you read...
then you're
gonna be
smart like
your Grandma."
"Ummmm....I thought you were trying to encourage me to read."

Like Candy?...Try Wait...I No More Money An Den

"Isabella,
you get one
quarter?"
"Huh?"
"Isabella,
you get
one dime?"
"Huh?"
"Isabella,
you get a
nickel?"
"Huh?"
"Isabella,
if you get
one coin, then I can put em in the machine and
we can get some candy. You like candy, yeah?"
"Huh?'

Those Idol Knuckleheads

"Grandpa,
what's up
with this
old pic of
me when
I went
camping
last year?"
"I wanted
a picture
of you with
a Beatles
shirt cuz
it's time to
talk about some of those Idol Knuckleheads."
"You mean the country girl who totally butchered
'8 Days a Week'?"
"No, that would be like shooting fish in a barrel. She's
pretty like a Barbie Doll but her pants was all buss up.
I was thinking more of that little Mama Boy Archuletta.
He kept forgetting the lyrics to 'We Can Work It Out'.
And then David the former dancer couldn't dance to
'I Saw Her Standing There'. It prolly would have been
better if he sang 'I Saw HIM Standing There'. And what's
so good about the 'Let It Be' girl. She gets to stay cuz
she was crying? Archuletta cries everytime somebody
has to go. I had to go this morning, TWICE. I wonder if
Archuletta cried for me. I doubt it. I'm just glad that
this year's Sanjaya, Noriega is gone. I can picture him
singing 'Get Back', and when it comes to the part where
he's sposed to sing 'Get back Jojo' instead he sings,
'Bring back my sun dress Jojo'."

Old Pic....18 Months Old

"Grandpa,
remember
me? This is
me when I
was born."
"What? You
look all
deformed
an den."
"Yah, were
you using
one of those
close-up
wide angle
kine lens? Cuz my face looks all Magpiong an den."
"Nope, that's just my regular camera lens."
"What, Old Man?! You gotta show these old pics
cuz you don't have any new ones?"
"Yup, that's it."

I Love Her Infinity Times Infinity

"Grandpa, do you love me more than I love you?"

"Well, my little crunchy roll, I have a policy....

If you love me, I will love you more...that applies to everybody."

"Well, my wrinkled old prune, that sounds like conditional love."

"Oh well, I can't help it. I guess it just worked out that way....

but it's a great deal. Check it out, if you just love me a little bit,

I'll love you back a lot."

"How does that work, you ashy-skinned cinquentegenarian?"

"Ok....if I just met you, and you started talking to me...and we

started talking about stuff...and this goes on for a while...we do

stuff together, eat and drink and play and party, and you start

opening up to me and put your head on my shoulder, and we

pray and joke and cry together....you own me. I will love you

a billion zillion."

"Yah but Grandpa, you said you loved me before I was even born."

"Yah, well that's my other policy....I will love my Grandkids.

If you love me a billion, I will love you eleven billion...

If you love me infinity, I will love you infinity and one."