Grandpa Phil

"Grandpa,
how come
sometimes
I get sad?
I don't like
it when I'm
like this..."
"Well my
little bowl of
ginataan,
you can't
always be in
a good mood
...sometimes
you get a
little out of
sorts...but I
find that if
you do a few
things, it can
get better.
1. Try to be
around happy
people, get
away from
grouchy kine
people cuz
they can
bring you down.
2. Tears can happen. Just endure it for a while and then move
on...don't think so much about it and wonder where things went
wrong. The only person you're with all of your life is you...so just
be alive. Don't be all gloomy and stuff. Watch cartoons. Laugh a
lot...laugh long and loud, snort if you want to...laugh till you're
stomach hurts and you're rolling on the floor.
3. Surround yourself with what you love. If it's music, plants or
family, whatever...keep yourself around them."
"Grandpa, are you trying to be Dr. Phil or something?"
"Dr. Phil? Ha Ha....you mean Dr. Phil A Peeno."

"Five Bucks? It's Worth Twenty Cents You Knucklehead."

"Hey Grandpa, you
got any stupid stories
to tell me today?"
"Yes my little kibbles
and bits, today me
and Grandma went
to the San Diego Swap
Meet down by Sports
Arena and I saw some
mental stuff."
"Yeah, what's up with
dem Swap Meet peeps?
Day is funny yeah?"
"Yeah, it's funny when
there's this guy who is
selling Karaoke tapes,
and so of course he gots
to sample his stuff...and
he's playing this crap
with organ sounds and other sounds from an eighties
keyboard machine, and then he's looking around and
singing but acting bored as he's doing it...everybody is
like staying far far away from his stall. I ask this other
lady how much her stuff is, and she's like, "Well, it's worth
200 bucks... but today I'll sell it to you for 15 bucks." And
when I look at it, it looks like it's worth 3 bucks. And so of
course, your Grandma is like, "Get it! Get it!" And I'm so
not getting it. There was one guy selling a guitar and it
looks like he may have sat on it or crushed it when it was
in the trunk of his Chevy. And so he sees me looking at it,
but he mistakes my look of disgust with a look of interest.
So he says, "Do you collect antique guitars?" I'm thinking,
'Why is he selling this piece of crap?'. Then there's this
lady walking by me and she's going to every stall and looking
at every item in each stall...of course when I look closely I
discover that it's your Grandma. So yeah, this morning
was mental."

Come Bing...Call Ding

"Grandpa,
check out
the goat. He
likes to eat
snacks."
"Well, of
course he
does, my
little moon
pie. It's kind
of funny cuz
you're here
feeding the
goat...but
one day a
bookbook is gonna eat that goat."
"Grandpa, you eat dogs AND goats?"
"By the mole of Jezebel, goats are the best pulutan ever.
Here's what you do...here's your recipe for Kalding Kaldereta:
Get one goat...cook it...eat it...wash it down with a Pacifica and
a lime wedge."
"Grandpa, did I tell you that you're the smartest bookbook ever?"
http://namaile.blogspot.com/2007/09/billy-goat-mangan-tayon.html

Yo Grandpa So Old He Watches PBS

"Grandpa,
how does it
feel to be a
grandparent?
What I mean
is you really
are ancient
aren't you?"
"Being old
kinda sucks.
For one thing
...I am a Lolo
which is okay
for bookbooks
but in Hawaii
'Lolo' means
crazy. That's
not cool. And
besides that,
it's a hassle
when people
ask me if my
butt got big,
and I gotta
tell 'em, 'No,
it's Depends'."
"That's cool
Grandpa....
I'm feelin'
you."
"But the cool
thing is that
nobody cards me anymore. They're like, 'Yeah, he's
old... buy all the beer you want. And don't forget the
Depends.'"
"Anything else good about being old, you old fart you?"
"Yes there is one more thing my little skyflake....
when you're old you gets to have grandkids."

Grandpa's Fashion Tips

"Oh Ancient
Mariner....
what's the
deal with the
undershirt
showing? Is
this how you
guys did it
back in the
last century?"
"Well, my
little dingle
berry, I'm
glad you're
asking me
stuff about
fashion. As
you know, I
went to John
Robert Powers."
"Actually I
thought that
you went to
Barbizon."
"Yeah, well I
went to high
school there,
but I got my
master's at
JRP. Anyway, here's the lowdown on undershirts.
Back in the previous century, letting people see your
undershirt was a fashion 'don't'. It was very ghetto and
if you showed your undershirt, you prolly didn't own a
mirror. But nowadays, it's somewhat cool to have a little
white showing. Although your Uncle Andrew is more than
likely doing it cuz it was the only thing clean in his closet."
"Grandpa, how about showing the tops of your boxers?"
"Better that than showing the tops of your thongs, I guess."
"What about plaid green suits with striped red and yellow tie?"
"That's okay if you're Ilocano..... Hey, wait a minute...."

Scary Stuff

"Grandpa,
what are
some stuff
that scare
you?"
"Well, my
little poser
of questions,
there aren't
too many
things that
scare your
Tata. But I
guess here's
a list of a few:
1. Dolls and Clowns
2. When your Grandma walks into Goodwill after payday.
3. Vincent D' Onofrio from Law and Order Criminal Intent.
4. Hearing Conor Oberst's voice from any Bright Eyes song.
5. The face that your aunty Mahina makes when she bugs
her eyes out and she makes a retarded smile. It's so scary
I can't even look. I guess that would be my top five."
"Grandpa, you Ilocano/Visayan orangatang, are you scared
of Vincent D'onofrio's acting or is it his facial gestures?"
"Both I guess."
"How about when I sit on uncle's lap while we're playing piano
and I start swaying off beat like Jason Castro on crack?"
"Um...that would be 'Scary-Funny'."

Fatkins Fatisfied

"Grandpa,
what do you
think about
cookies? I
think that
cookies are
tasty. It's
really hard
to only eat
one."
"Well my
little cookie
monster, I
believe that
cookies are
the bestest
snacks in the
history of
snacks. It's
sad to say
that I just
recently read
that cookies
have just
dropped to
number 2,
right behind
fruits as the
most common
snack. It's sad
cuz cookies
has it all....the
4 basic food
groups is in
cookies...you
got the flour,
which I'm sure
is a grain...and
you got the
eggs and milk
which I believe
is protein...and
you got the yellow icing, which I believe is a fruit...and the
brown icing, which I'm almost certain is a vegetable. So I
can't believe that cookies aren't number 1 anymore."
"Grandpa, I like this cookie cuz it had a happy face."
"Yah, well...there you go. The four basic food groups and
a happy face...the only thing better than that would be a
home-baked chocolate chip cookie. And then after it cools
on a baking sheet for a few minutes, while it's still kinda hot,
you eat it with some vanilla ice cream. Your mom and aunty
Mahina makes good cookies. Only one problem...
cookies are fatisfying."
"Old flip freak, what is fatisfying?"
"Well my little eater of cookies, fatisfying is what happens when
you eat to fatisfaction foods that are on the Fatkins diet."
"Grandpa, you're the smartest bookbook in the world."

"Grandpa, Are You Gonna Eat Them?"

"Grandpa,
how come
we're going
around the
San Diego
Zoo in a bus?
Why don't we
walk around
like all the
other people?"
"Ummmm...
cuz we lazy,
dass why."

"Grandpa,
what kind of
animals does
we got over
here?"
"Well, my little
purple skittle,
right behind
you is a Toi.
She is from
the Thelma
family, of the
Kanack/Pake
genus. And
she's gonna be
endangered if she don't start massaging me like she did
when we was dating an den."
"What you gonna do about it Grandpa?"
"Nothing, cuz she can be prone to violence and shopping."
"Why are all these animals in cages? Isn't that cruel?"
"Not really, my little Kunka Nin. They feed 'em kau-kau
and people clean up their crap. Then people watch 'em
dance and eat and sing and whatever nonsense they do."
"Kind of like me last year, huh Grandpa?"
"Last year?? Ha Ha Ha Ha...girl, you crack me up."

"Hey Ladies with Adam's Apples! You Checking Out Uncle Damian?"

"Grandpa,
how did my
uncle Troy
get his name?"
"Well my
little asker
of trivial
matters, he
got his name
from me and
your Grandma.
Cuz my name
is Roy and
your Grandma's
name is Toi...
so we put 'em
together and
at first we got
Ro-toi."
"That's dumb."
"Yeah, so later
we tried Royto."
"That's even
more dumber."
"Yeah, so after
awhile we got
it right...Troy."
"Actually old
freakish old-freak, isn't your wife's name Thelma?"
"Yeah, but how would that sound.....Royelma?"
"Ummm...that would sound retarded...."
"Yeah well, you know Bookbooks have funnier names.
They like the sound of bells ~ like Ding, or Dong or Bong
or Bading. Even better is when they multiply by two ~
like BongBong or I got a cousin named GingGing. I just
keep it simple and call her Ging."
"Hey Grandpa, what is Uncle Troy pointing at?"
"Maybe he's pointing at those ugly girls over there
with Adam's apples that's checking out Uncle Damian."
http://namaile.blogspot.com/2007/02/grandma-ging.html

"What is That You're Eating?" "Thank You"?

"Grandpa,
do you like
ice cream?"
"Yes my
little eater
of treats.
Ice cream is
tasty, and
even more
so if it's like
mango or
something
exotic like
that. But to
me, the best
flavor of all
is vanilla cuz
you can mix
it with stuff.
Your Grandpa
likes to cut a
papaya in
half and put
a couple of
scoops of
vanilla in that.
Ang Sarap.
Talagang na
la la sap!
Other stuff that's good is
putting vanilla ice cream in your coffee...or putting
blueberries in it. One thing I could never figure out is
why some peoople eat ice cream with forks. What's up
with that? Anyway...the bestest stuff to do is to share
your vanilla with your friend. Can you share some with
your old and stupid Grandpa?"

"No...Your Grandpa is All About PC"

"Grandpa!"
"Yes my little
Haole girl."
"What are
things that you
can do to cake?"
"By the Doo of
Herman, you
have so much
to learn. Ok...
check it out...
first you must
not ever touch
a cake."
"You mean
like how my
Aunty Mahina
is touching it
now?"
"Yes, and the
next thing you
need to know is
that you must
never lay your
hand flat on top
of the cake."
"You mean like
how Aunty is
doing it now?"
"Yes my little
noticer of things.
And now the
most important
thing is not ever
ever put cake
icing on your
mouth like cheap
lipstick and then
pose like retarded
models."
"What if I just
put a little black
icing as a lip liner with no icing on the inside? What about
that you old Ilocano and Visayan orangatang?"
"You can only do that if you wear a black bra under a white
blouse and gigantically big hoop earrings. Only then is that acceptable."
"Grandpa, are you making fun of a certain ethnic group that
is predominant in the San Diego area?"

Warning! You Might Think This Video is Stupid.

"Grandpa, why is it
that I like to wear
Grandma's stuff?"
"Well, my little pork
empanada, wearing
other chick's stuff is
what chicks do...and
in case you didn't
know, you're a chick.
The good news is that
when you borrow
other people's clothes
then you got a new
look for the day. The
bad news is that you
gotta let people use
your stuff. And you're
not really sure where
their kili kili has been
...it might smell like
bagoong or hamburger.
You don't want your
clothes to smell like
hamburger, do you?"
"Um....no?"
"No....you don't."
"But old Filipino man,
shoes don't smell like
hamburger."
"No my little Seeny
Gung. Shoes can smell
like death."
"But Grandma's shoes
smell like roses."
"Who told you that crap?"
"Grandma."
"Yah, well Grandma told
me she was rich when we
were dating, and that was
a lie too. Anyway going back to borrowing clothes...there's gonna be
a lot of that going on in your life. So get used to it. But in the future,
try to borrow from people who wear the same size as you."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1BLN8Y3dZo

"WHat'd SHe SAy??"

"Grandpa!
Don't eat
that !!"
"Grandma!
Don't let
Grandpa
eat that!"
"Hey! Wha'
happened
to Frisky?
Heeeeere
Frisky...
Come here
Frisky!...
Where did he...
....FRISKY!!!"
"Hey, who named my dead dog 'Frisky'?"
"Uh-ohhh...I think I forgot to turn off the iron."
"Uh-ohhh...I'm not even 2 years old and I'm ironing."
"Oh no! Did Grandma go shopping again?"
"Oh no! My Grandpa is very handsome!!"
"Hey you knuckleheads! I love my Grandpa!"

Your Mom Caught a Fish

"Grandpa,
look, I'm
fishing!"
"Your mom's
fishing."
"Grandpa,
look, I think
I caught
something."
"Your mom
caught some-
thing."
"Grandpa,
look at this
fish I went
catch."
"Your mom
looked at
the fish."
"Grandpa,
how come
you always
say 'Your
mom bla
bla bla bla'
everytime?
Are you
retarded?"
"Well my little musubi, isn't it funny when I do that?"
"Your mom's funny when you do that."

"Um...They Make You Look Like a Little Girl With Gigantic Glasses"

"Grandpa,
do these
glasses give
me X-Ray
vision so I
can see all
of your fat,
unwanted,
male flab
tissue?"
"Hey, stop
looking at
my cellulite.
No...it can't
do that, my little Yuckytori."
"Grandpa, can these glasses give me the power to shoot
powerful laser beams so I can shoot Grandma's credit cards?"
"No, my little ginger chicken, those glasses can't do that."
"Grandpa, can these glasses enable me to see the future,
a time where Grandma is returning something she purchased
a week ago, but now she realizes that it really was useless?"
"No my little ahi poke, dem glasses can't do that."
"So, then what do these glasses do?"

"Photoshop Can't Fix Everything, Little Girl"

"Grandpa, why's it so
hard to take a family
picture? It's hard to
get everybody to
smile at the same
time yeah? Why does
it always happen that
way?...like this picture
here...everybody is
smiling except me."
"Well my little pork
and bean...the reason
is because your old
jacked-up Grandpa
don't got Photoshop.
Otherwise, I would've
had everybody smile,
removed all the gray
from my hair, all of
the wrinkles on my
face, and all of the unwanted fat tissue around my jowls."
"Grandpa, how about Grandma's propensity to shop
for unneccesary crap? Does Photoshop fix that too?"

Gettin Low with TPain, Uncle Dee and Namaile

"Grandpa,
what's up
with uncle
Damian's
hair? His
hair looks
hair-larious."
"Well, my
little butta
mochi, I
think your
uncle wants
to be your
aunty. But
anyway...
what did he
tell you when
you were on
the bleachers
at auntie's
graduation?"
"He said,
'Namaile, do
you know I
have a dog
at home and
everywhere I
go, he goes?'
What do you think about that Grandpa?"
"What do I think? I'm thinking, 'Imagine that...
a Filipino with a Pet Dog.'"
"Grandpa, are you gonna eat his dog?"
"Am I gonna eat his dog? Ha Ha Ha Ha! Funny girl."

Uhmmm...Dancing Penny Lane?

"Grandpa,
what's up
with the song
'Penny Lane'?"
"Well my cute
little asker of
questions,
Penny Lane
is cool cuz
it's a Beatles
song...there's
a cool chorus
line that says,
'Penny Lane
is in my ears,
and in my
eyes' - that is
quite a hook."
"Grandpa,
the Beatles
must have
thought that
Penny Lane
is a cool street.
Is there one
like that in
Hawaii?"
"Um, yeah....
it would prolly be Puuku Mauka Drive when a bus is coming.....
or any street in Chinatown - daytime of course...
maybe Kam Highway between Kahaluu and Haleiwa...
or Hokea Street on New Years eve... one of dem."
"Hey Old Filipino guy, what's better than PLAYING Penny Lane?"

Aunty Mahina's Grad Day

"Hey Old Filipino man,
What's the deelio with
graduations anyway?"
"Well my little crack
seed....Graduations is
cool cuz it means that
you passed a bunch of
tests and you did a lot
of homework and you
had to take a bunch of
classes taught by some
knuckleheads with a
bunch of classmates
who put tater tots in
their pockets and
occasionally pop a few
when they'd get
hungry...and
now you are
done with all
of that and
you get to
party like
it's 1999."
"Did mom and
Grandma and
Great Gramma
graduate too?"
"Yes, however
my little sky-
flake, some of
them grad at
Radford. But
no worry cuz
your Grandpa
went grad at
Barbizon...so
it's all good."
"What's up
with the leis?"
"Well my dim
sum, leis are
cool cuz you
put em on
and all of a
sudden, you
are Hawaii.
When your
Aunty Candace
went grad, her
leis was over
her head and
on both arms,
but here in
the mainland,
4 is plenty."
"And what's
up with the
cap and gown?"
"Well the cap
is to cover the
head and the
gown is to
cover your
puka pants."
"What about
Oceanside
pier? This is
a small class
yeah?"
"Yepperdoodles,
my little daikon.
Look like about
25 kids. Well,
the funny thing
is like it's a home
school/charter school and your aunty Mahina used to go
to school just once a week and do most of her schoolwork
at home. So these people are like, "Who are you?" and
"It's been nice using your cubicle"....hi-larry-us."
"And what's up with all the yelling? Is this really
necessary?"

Throwing Rocks Into The Lake With an Old Man

"Grandpa,
why is it so
fun to throw
rocks into
the lake? I
can do this
all day."
"It's fun
cuz when
you throw
a rock into
the lake,
it's kind of
fun to see
what kind
of ripples in
the water
you make.
Sometimes,
the ripples
look like a
bunch of
teddy bears
and other
times the
waves kind
of look like
guitars. But
most of the
time, the
ripples just
look like a
bunch of
cotton balls
or fluffy
white afros."
"Grandpa,
you looking
at the waves
from when I
throw the
rocks...or are
you looking
at the clouds
up in the sky?
Cuz the waves
are mostly
round yah?
I mean the
waves that I
see...are you
looking at
the same
waves I'm
looking at,
you old and
confused Ilocano man???"
"Huh?...um...hey, where's my beer?"