She's a Chip Off the Old Grandma's Block

"Grandpa,
how do you
do it? You
always do
stuff to my
Grandma,
like choke
her neck
and then I
notice she
does the
same kine
to you, but
it's no big
thing. How do you do that, cuz I like do that stuff too."
"Well, my little princess pupule, you can do whatever...
just remember to say, 'Eh, just joking' when you pau.
Like over there, choke that big red flower and say,
'Hey you knucklehead flower, I told you fo' stop shopping
so much...we no mo' money an den...I going choke your neck.'
Now choke the flower...........
Good girl....
Now say, 'Eh Thelma, just joking.' See how easy that is?"
"Oh yeah Grandpa....here.....watch me now.....
'Hey you knucklehead flower, I told you fo' change the oil
in the car....what? you like break one more car....and while
you at it, vacuum the car too....Now I going choke your neck.'
(pause) 'Eh you Bookbook.... just joking.'"
"Wow little girl....that was scary."

"Grandpa...You Put The Tic Tac Where?"

"Grandpa,
what is a
'killah
whiffah'?"
"Well my
little hauna
feet girl,
'killah
whiffah' is
pidgin for
'killer
smells'...IE:
if you were
to take a
whiff of
your killi
killi, that
would be
a killah
whiffah.
If your
Grandma
were to
make some
Pinakbet,
and she
used real
bagoong...
that would
be killah whiffah. If you had to pull your Grandpa Ritchie's finger,
the resulting expulsion could also be labeled a killah whiffah....
But your Grandpa's otot always smells like wintergreen."
"How do you do that Grandpa, you knucklehead bookbook?"
"Tic tacs little girl.....tic tacs."

Grammy? Forget Grammy...What About Grandpa?

"Grandpa, I hope you don't feel so bad cuz I'm always

asking for Grandma. If you lived up here 3 days a week,

I'd be asking for you a little more."

"That's okay, I know the real reason why you keep asking

for your Grandma. She always get snacks and stuff in her

bag. Candy, chocolate covered candy, cookies, chocolate

covered cookies, gummy bears and chocolate covered

gummy bears. But what does your Grandpa got for you?"

"Ummm...Grandpa, you get healthy stuff and nutritious

crap like vitamins, organic fruits, hi-fiber cereal, free ranging

chicken, non-alcoholic beer and garden grown herbs."

"Yeah, and don't forget it."

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ......Grandpa, you slay me."

Grandpa, You Crack Me Up

"Grandpa,
what do
you think
about my
sad face?
Actually,
it's not so
sad...it's
more like
pensive or
wistful....
meditative
and gray."
"Yeah....
whatever.
Namaile,
check it out
...it's funny
if you look
at your
face and
sing the
Whitney
Houston
song, "The
Greatest
Love of All."
'I believe
the children are our future...Teach them well and let them lead
the way...show them all the beauty they possess insiiiiiiiiiiiide...'"
"Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha....Grandpa...you crack me up."
"That ain't all...if you take your 'mouse' and run it under your
left eye up and down....it looks like a little white hand pointing
at your imaginary tear.....Don't forget...keep singing the song."
"Ha Ha Ha ha Ha Ha.............Grandpa, you're killing me."

"The Same Guy Who Decided on 25 MPH"

"Grandpa,
you were
in Hawaii
last week
yeah? Did
you see
anything
that was
mental?"
"Did I see
anything
mental?
Yeah...I
think that
it's ridiculous that you have a 8 lane highway...but you can
only go 25 miles an hour on it. What kind of knucklehead said
that we can only go 25 miles an hour on Salt Lake Boulevard?
On a mental scale of 1 to 10....I give that an 11. In fact, you
can multiply that mentalness by 10....so make that eleventy.
The other mental thing I saw in Hawaii last weekend was at
the Shell. C&K, Kalapana and Summer played...and they were
awesome, but Frank De Lima, Andy Bumatai, and Larry Price
was not. Who decided to put those 3 knuckleheads on stage?"

Browns Point Beach

"Grandpa, is there a reason why I'm wearing this scarf on my head?"
"Well, actually my little gummy worm, the scarf has only one
purpose....and that is to put a triangle tanline on your head."
"That's what I thought...hey, how come the water of here is warm
all of a sudden? It feels like the water is about 98.6 degrees."

Grandma Psychology 101

"Grandpa,
what do you
think about
Browns
Point beach?
It's not the
best yeah?"
"Well, first
of all, this is
not sand....
this is rocks
and what
kind of crap
is that? A
beach needs
to have sand
...sand like
Waimea or
Makaha...
not rocks,
like da kine
in your uncle
Damian's
head...and
second of
all, this is
not clean
kine water
...this is da
kine water
that runs off
of Grandpa's
body when
he go au-au.
I think that's
why they call
it Brown's
Point...cuz the
water stay
brown an den.
But that's not
the stuff that
bothers me...
I can't stand
it when your
Grandma
(Radford
Class of 75)
says nonsense
like, "Da fish
going eat you"
What kine of
crap is that?
That's why
your Grandpa
is scared of
dolls and clowns. But we don't eat dolls and clowns...
so it's okay for me to be scared of that...but if you gonna
be scared of fish, how you gonna eat ahi poki and fried
butterfish, aku belly and spam musubi?"
"Grandpa, you sure spam musubi is fish?"

Bus Stop Squats, Soy Bean Oil and Billy Bush

"Grandpa, I'm gonna
go ride the bus...what
do you think about
riding the bus?"
"Well, my little crack
seed, your Grandma
used to ride the bus
for many years...but
it was a little bus and
she had to wear a
helmet...
I see that you got the
bookbook-bus-stop-
squat down pretty
good...but I gotta tell
you, technically it ain't
a squat if your butt is
touching the ground.
You're actually better
off sitting on the curb.
It's kind of like sitting
on a chair...a big yellow
painted chair with dried
gum and animal hairs.
It's good that you got
some snacks with you,
cuz there's no food on
the bus, unless you
count roaches as food.
I see you got a bag of
potato chips........good
choice. It's got just the
right amount of sodium
and partially hydrogen-
ated soybean oil...mmm
mmmmmmmm.......I
heard that Billy Bush
likes to eat chips when
he rides the bus to work."
"Grandpa, who's more mental...Billy Bush or Alex Trebek?"
"Oh...that's a tough one...I'm gonna say Trebek. But if you
included the Fall Out Boy guitarist who hosts FNMTV, I
might have to put him up there too."
"Wow Grandpa, I was just wondering if you could randomly
discuss squats, soybean oil, Billy Bush and FNMTV in one
blog...

"Grandpa, What's This Red Handle For?"

"Grandpa,
what's up
with this
red handle
over here?
Why would
I ever need
to pull this
thing?"
"Well, my
little kitty
kat, you're
on a bus...
and every
once in a while some mental person will want to
sit next to you. And he'll be like, 'Excuse me Miss,
do you mind if I sit next to you?' And you'll be like,
'Yes, Uncle Damian...please don't sit next to me.'
Or some crazy lady will be like, 'Excuse me Miss,
I see this seat next to you is open...would you mind
if I sit next to you? My feet is tired from shopping
all day and I'd like to sit and eat my KFC crap.'.....
and you'd be like, 'Yes, Grandma...you can sit here.'
Then she'll be biting into her KFC extra crispy wing
then all you gotta do is pull that red handle and jump
out. When you jump out, just yell, 'Grandma! Your
chicken wing is splashing oil all over me!!!'"
"Grandpa, are you retarded?"

Back In The Day

"Grandpa, it's good
to be the oldest yah?
I mean you were the
oldest, and Grandma
was the oldest, and
my mommy was the
oldest yah?"
"Yes my little purple
skittle, your mommy
is the oldest...being
the oldest means you
get to boss around
your brothers and
sisters...here's a pic
of your mommy and
uncle Damian back in
the day. This was way
before your uncle fell
on his head way too many times. This was also back in the
day when your uncle used to listen to me. But that was a
long long long long long long long long long long time ago."
"Grandpa, how come Grandma is smiling in this picture?"
"Oh she's prolly smiling cuz our WIC powdered milk and
gubmint cheese just arrived. Either that or she just got
back from Goodwill and got some new/old handbags. That's
how we used to roll."
"That's how you USED to roll? Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Grandpa you crack me up."

She Got Hops

"Grandpa,
check it out
you old and
dilapidated
Siquijorian
ape...I got
at least one
inch vertical.
So how many
more inches
till I can slam
the ball in
my Grandpa's
forehead?"
"Oh I guess
120 more otto
do it. Unless
we go Alvah
Scott and
jam with all
the books...
8 foot rims."
"Grandpa,
who was the
best baller
ever?"
"Well my
little mochi ball...it's hard to pick one. But if I had to
go for top 5...then I guess they would have to be:
1. Shin Dong Pa - Korean Killah
2. Pete Maravich - Showtime before Showtime
3. The Doctor - Fro be flowin'
4. Michael - before '95
5. Anybody from the '83 Philadelphia 76ers
The worst....gotta be this kid...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuEd94omqaU&NR=1

Bookbooks in the Olympics

"Grandpa, you been watching the Olympics?"
"Just a little bit....there was this real pretty Chinese girl singing
on opening night and she had a good voice. They later said that
the actual singer's prettiness was not up to par...so they had a
"prettier" girl lip sync it. This was so that the world would think
that all Chinese girls were pretty and could sing. I think her
name was Millie Vanilli.
And there was this American hurdler that was favored
to take the gold...but she stumbled and subsequently lost....
They said that her name was Lolo Jones...for real.
I'm actually surprised they allowed a Lolo on the team.
Once again, the Philippines basketball team was a no show.
Actually, they showed...but as usual they were late.
The uniforms were pretty good. Barong tank tops with every
color in the rainbow. Jusi material of course. Their names
on the back of the jersey had the obligatory silent "H".
And their shorts had the sponsor printed on it....'Salonpas'
in the front of the shorts and "San Miguel" on the back.
One player's headband said, "I brake for dogs". The real
funny part was when they interviewed the Ilocano Beach
Volleyball team. It was funny cuz how they kept saying
'beach' with their Ilocano accent.
'I um prum Ilocos Norte. My pay-borit bitsh flayers iss de
tim prum Brazil. Nagpintas. Agyaman ak kabsat.'"

Yeah....Well........................Um....Ok, You Right

"Hey Grandpa you old
geezer! What do you
think about this cool
outfit I'm wearing? I
got these cool glasses
on and my clothes are
tight yeah? So what?"
"Well, my little apple
piecrust, your outfit
would be killer except
for 2 things...
1. You're in a stroller
2. You're probably
wearing pamps."
"Ok Grandpops, I'm
feeling you. But you
do the same thing."
"WHoa now there you
little whippersnapper.
Your old Grandpa don't wear no pamps..... Depends maybe...
but no pampers. And I don't drive no stinkin' stroller neither."
"Yeah but don't you own like a lot of suits but you drive a
Toyota Van. What's up wit dat lameness?"

"Wow Grandpa, You Went to Planny High Schools"

"Grandpa,
how come
you always
teasing my
Grandma
and the
fact that
she went to
Radford?"
"Actually,
my little
botamochi,
Grandma
comes in
handy like
when I'm
partying
somewhere
and I need
somebody to
remember
names...cuz
I would be
like, "Hey
what's that
guy's name
again over
there?" and she would be like, "Who? that guy? That's your
son Damian, you knucklehead." So she's actually pretty sharp.
Either that, or my Alls High=mers is kicking in again."
"Yeah, but what's up with the Radford bashing?"
"Oh that's nothing, I just think it's funny when a school names
a kambing their mascot. Isn't that hilarious?"
"Why Grandpa? What was the name of your high school mascot?"
"Well actually, my little onigiri, your Grandpops went to several
different high schools...let me see.......we were the:
JFK Flying Toothpaste
LBJ Stools
Roosevelt Fighting FaFa Fingys
Los Alamos Chicharons
Olongapo Tin-edge Baons
Castro Valley Winged Pads
Pillsbury Doughboys
San Leandro Pohtagees with Gingavitis
and George Dewey Soggy Skyflakes."
"Grandpa, how did the Pohtagees with Gingavitis mascot look like?"
"Oh it wasn't very pretty."

Hapa-Haole Girl

"Grandpa,
am I haole
or am I a
bookbook?"
"Well, my
little pie,
your dad
is Irish and
your mom
isn't. So, I
believe the
technical
term for
you is hapa
haole. And
actually,
that's cool
cuz half of
the time,
you will be
punctual,
unfortunately
the other half
of the time,
you will just
be like any
other book.
Half of the
time, you will find the urge to dip something fried into
vinegar...the other half of the time, that will make you
wanna barf. And, half of the time, you will have no rhythm
at all and will tap your feet at inappropriate intervals, but
the other half of the time, you will think you are one of them
Jabbawockeez freestylers like your cousin Joe Larot.
So, there's pros and cons to being hapa-haole.
The good news is that your dad loves you very much.
Just be thankful you're not Bookbook/Hawaiian."
"Why Grandpa?"
"Cuz then you'd wanna do yardwork, but you no more land."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyIf6nYSQ4w

Doing Lunch With Cousin Gigi

"Grandpa,
isn't it cool
to do lunch
with your
friends? I
like to have
a bite with
my buddies.
Grandma
does it all
the time,
yeah?"
"Oh yeah,
she likes to
go to fancy places with her buddies and she'll bring back
a little package with one bite of pie and some melted ice
cream...but hey, it's the thought that counts."
"Grandpa, what about the 2 second rule? Does that apply
to everything, or only to dry stuff like cereal and lumpias?"
"Well, it depends...if you're just hanging with your buds and
a honey nut cheerio hits the ground...then there is no time
limit. But if you're in a fine dining restaurant, and one of the
waiters or cooks drops your morsel of fine dining on the
dirty kitchen floor...then 2 seconds seems appropriate."
"Grandpa, what if you don't feel like sharing your food?
Then what do you do?"
"Well, what your Grandma does is hides her food and snacks
from Hawaii that she's supposed to share with me, but she
doesn't. But I always get her back by hiding stuff from Hawaii
that I'm supposed to share with her. And of course, you could
always just put your leg over your food, like your cousin Gigi."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMLDh1IbSFU&feature=related

Playing and Sharing with Cousin Gigi

"Grandpa,
check it out
I'm playing
with my
funny little
cousin Gigi...
remember,
she's Grampa
Ritchie's apo,
and we're
having fun
playing with
her toys and
stuff. What
kind of toys
did you have when you were small? Did you have cool stuff?"
"Yeah, well actually, I remember having some
pretty cool toys. But my toys were the cheap stuff....
like I used to play marbles...until later when I lost
my marbles. And one of my friends used to have a
cool bucket that I used to like, but later he kicked the
bucket. One time, one of my uncles gave me a pet dove.
It was funny cuz that dove used to always be singing
and laughing. It was a singing and laughing dove....
but that bird would never be sad or cry and stuff...
I used to always wonder though what it would sound
like...when doves cry. I never got to find out."
"Grandpa, are you full of crap again?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-izkczXSg4c

"I Like My Water With a Twist, Thank You"

"Grandpa,
check it out
I'm drinking
water from
the garden
hose...that's
okay to do
right?"
"Well my
little drinker
of water, the
answer is of
course - YES-
because they
only got a
small amount
of deadly lead
and PVC in the
water...but it
don't matter
anyway, cuz
look at your
Grandma....
she used to
drink a lot of
water from the
garden hose
and she..........
um....hey, wait
a minute."
"Grandpa, is it true what they say that our bodies are about
60 per cent water? That sounds highly improbable."
"Well actually, our bodies are exactly 62 percent water, 22
percent guts and stuff, 2 percent kili-kili and other hairs,
24 percent bones, teeth, braces and other stuff stuck between
your teeth and gums, 13 percent hot air and untapped otots,
9 percent brains (except for one of your uncles who has only 2
percent brains, whom I won't name but his initials are DG),
and of course 1 percent of ...you guessed it - yellow #5."
"Hey Grandpa, you weren't so good in math when you were
in school, were you?"

"Grandpa, You're Such a Buzz Kill"

"Grandpa,
check it out
...I'm taking
a bath and
there's suds
on my head
...what? Is
that funny
or what?"
"Um......no.
Soap on top
your head
isn't funny.
I put it on
your head,
remember?
No...funny
is like when
your crazy
Uncle Dame
buys a white
fur coat. It
is also funny
when your
Grandma is
kind of in a
'sleepy' zone
and she is
talking kinda
gibberish....but the most funniest crap I ever seen wasn't even
sposed to be funny. Or it WAS sposed to be funny, but not like how
they intended. It's called 'Yo Mama' and it's on MTV hosted by Fez.
That alone is funny. And then these contestants are talking about
each other's mama...and maybe only one out of 20 jokes are funny...
but it don't matter cuz everytime somebody says a 'Yo mama so fat...'
the crowd around the contestants go, 'Ooooooooh' and 'Ohhhhhhhh'.
They're 'Ooooohing and Ohhhhhhing' over crap...that's hilarious.
And the most stupidest part is that I watched more that 5 minutes
of that stuff. So my own pathetic-ness is funny...anyway, it's funnier
than the suds that's on your head.....sorry my little cupcake."

My Thong Is THIIIIIIS Big

"Grandpa,
check out
this swing,
it's like I'm
sitting in a
giant thong.
It's kinda
creepy....
and I can't
jump out
of it like
the other
swing."
"Ok, well
then my
little brown
triscuit,
why don't
you go down
that curly
slide?"
"Yeah...ok.
But check
it out...when
I come out
the bottom,
my hair is
all sticking
out n stuff."
"Yeah, you kind of remind me of that YoMama
joke, 'Yo mama's afro so big, her doctor said she
had to lose weight.'"

Tacoma Dome 1:35 P.M. Friday August 1

"Grandpa,
what's up
with the
Tacoma
dome? It's
like your
3rd D-Con
this year."
"Yeah, and
I'm gonna
go to Long
Beach in a
few weeks
too. That's
how your
Grandpop
rolls...you
see, when
we went to
Qualcomm
it was too
stinkin' hot,
so we had to
bounce outta
there. And
Norco was
Tagalog and
so I heard
80%, understood 60% when I was awake, and as usual
just retained 30% because of my early stages of Alls-High-mers.
So going to Tacomadome makes sense for the Friday session
only so I can teach you the art of eating other people's food."
"Grandpa, look! Grandma's not shopping!"

"Wow Grandpa...You Tell Good Stories"

"Grandpa, I'm gonna try and go to sleep now, can you tell me a funny
bedtime story so I can fall asleep."
"Okay my little chicken wing....
Once upon a time there was a little girl...she was very pretty and
very funny...and she liked to play music...and she danced all of the
time...one side of her mouth was a little longer and lower than the
other side...but that made her even more pretty cuz nobody else
had that look...her Grandpa was very very handsome and he liked
to play with his pretty little granddaughter. People would be like,
"Hey your granddaughter is super pretty" and he would be like,
"Hey you knucklehead! Of course she is...she's my granddaughter!"
Every once in a while people would say something like, "Hey, when
she gets older, will she be buying a new bag or purse every week
just like her Grandma?" And of course, the answer would be 'NO'
cuz only one mental person per family is allowed. The end."
"Grandpa, that story wasn't very funny and I didn't fall asleep."
"Okay, here's another story, once upon a time there was a little girl
walking in the woods and a big bad wolf came and scared the crap
out of her. The end."