More Cowbells Fast Speed

My little joystick is trippin cuz of the stuff that's on TV.
Right now she's watching "More Cowbells" from SNL.
She's like "Grandpa, that's cool but why do you watch it
on high speed?"
Of course, I tell her that everything is funnier when at
high speed. For one thing, the voices sound like chipmunks.
You can get the same effect when you take a hit of helium.
"Grandpa, when can I have some helium?"
"Oh little girl, I think we should wait till you're 12 or 13."
cowbells

MSNBC Interrupts With Important Breaking News

"We're gonna interrupt this news report of the Great Tribulation and
Armageddon as Babylon the Great is being destroyed. Mass hyteria is
everywhere and people are dying. But now we take you "LIVE" to L.A
where Paris Hilton is being interviewed and explaining her diet
while in jail these past 20 days......
'Paris, you look great after your ordeal.
Tell us, what was your diet and what advice do you have for your fans?'"

She Loves Medleys #1

When my little fluffy ball of lint is playing in a playground
there's nothing she likes better that to hear a good medley.
Here's one of her favorites...
(Dahil Sa Iyo)
Dahil sa iyo, nais kong mabuhay
Dahil sa iyo, hanggang mamatay...
(Wannabe)
So tell me what you want,
what you really really want
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
really really really wanna zigazig ha...
(Borderline)
Borderline...feels like I'm gonna lose my mind
Cuz I keep on taking my love over the borderline...

Hey! Why aren't you knuckleheads singing?

She Loves Medleys #2

After a nice shower, my little blueberry bagel likes to hear a good medley.
Here's one of her favorites....
(Abraham, Martin and John)
Has anybody here, seen my old friend Abraham...
can you tell me where he's gone...
he's freed a lot of people, but the good they seem to die young
I just look around and he's gone...
(Little Green Apples)
...And if that's not loving me....then all I've got to say.....
(Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Jed
a poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed...

Hey! Why aren't you people singing?

Hakuna Matata

Grandpa..
how come
all these
pictures I
don't look
the same?
Sometimes
I look like
a completely
different kid?
"Well, my
little peeled
grape, that's
cuz some of
these pics
were taken
recently and
some were
taken a long
time ago.
Like the
previous one
was taken in
September
last year
and these
ones were
taken this
week."
Ok Grandpa,
I understand.
"Well actually
you're gonna
change a lot
in the coming
months and
years too, my
little Baby
Bop. Your
eyes keep
changing
colors and
you're growing
your hair a little bit now. After awhile you're gonna grow
taller and you'll be growing hair in unusual places. And
then you'll stop growing taller and then start growing
wider."
How do you know theses things will come true, Grandpa?
"Hakuna matata little girl.....hakuna matata."

Huy! Calbo! Nasaan Ang Buhok Mo? Ano...Kuto?

Hey Grandpa,
am I bolohead?
"No, my little
cue ball, you're
not bolohead."
That's good,
cuz I just saw
a little girl
that was
bolohead.
She looks
like she was
about 6 or 7
years old and
she looked
like she was
freshly shorn.
"Oh, you know
why? Cuz she
had ukus."
What's that
Grandpa?
"Ukus is like
walking
dandruff.
If you were a
little bookbook
girl with ukus
it's normal to
have your hair
cut off. That is
so that the ukus
would have no
place to hang
out...no more
shade li' dat."
Grandpa, why
don't they just
put uku medicine
on the little girl's head?
That way she can keep her hair...
"No worry little girl. We're not FOB bookbooks.
We're the fake kine 'pretend' bookbooks.
So nobody's gonna shave your head.....chillax."

Grampa Slams Namaile

"You are
my fire,
my one
desire,
Tell me why,
ain't nothing
but a heartache
Tell me why,
ain't nothing
but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna
hear you say,
I want it
that way..."

"Hey little
girl, who sings
that song?"

"Backstreet
Boys..."

"Well, maybe
you should let
them sing it.
...Ba-Bam!"

My Punctual Little Granddaughter

Grandpa, how
come Grandma
is late whenever
she goes somewhere?
"Well little girl,
that's cuz your
Grandma is on
Hawaiian time."
Ok, then how come
everybody in your
Hall is late all the
time?
"Well little girl,
that's cuz bookbooks
are on Philippine time."
Oh, I get it Grandpa....
whenever people are
late you just find out
what their ancestry is
and then you blame it on that...
But Grandpa, I wanna be like you. You're never late.
How come? Is it cuz you're cool? "
"True dat, home skillet....True dat."

She Loves the Raiders

Grandpa, who's
the best team
in the NFL?
"Well my little
pompom, that
would be the
Oakland
Raiders."
Why is that,
Grandpa?
"That's cuz they
won 3 Super
Bowls and they
had probably the
best quarterback
of all time...Ken
Stabler. I remember
in 1976 when they
kicked everybody's
butt and actually
during the seventies they were pretty much unstoppable."
Grandpa, I heard a joke today....you wanna hear it?
"Ok my little Namaile"
"How many Raider Fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"I don't know....how many?"
"It takes 7.... one to screw it in, and 6 to say how bright the
old one used to be."

Cash For Boones Farm Will Do It Everytime

Grandpa, tell
me how you
and grandma
got together.
"Well little
girl, here's
what happened.
Your grandpa
put an ad in
the Honolulu
Advertiser, and
your grandma
answered the
ad. 50 other
women did too.
But grandma
also offered me
cash. Of course
I declined the
cash. Then we
met at a fine
restaurant...
Zippy's. I ate
a saimin bowl
and she had
a Surf-Pac,
spam musubi,
and a turnover
from Napoleans.
Then she
offered me
more cash. I
told her, "No
Thank You."
Then she
pretended to
drop stuff so
she could do
the "Bend and
Snap". But I
didn't fall for
that either.
Then she said
she would try
to serenade
me and sang
"Endless Love."
She offered me
money again
and this time I
took it cuz I
needed some
cash to buy
some Boones Farm.
One year later we got married."
"Grandma, is this for real?"
"No little girl, your grandpa is full of crap again."

Que Sera Sera

Grandma, tell me a story about my mom when she was small like me.
"Ok, little girl....
When your mom was born she was only 5 lbs. and when she left the
hospital she was actually lighter than that. So she was really tiny.
When she got older, she looked younger than she actually was. When
your Grandpa took her to the pool or the beach, people would freak
cuz she would be diving in the deep water at 2 years old and people
thought she was just 1 year old. She was a real water baby, yo."
How about me Grandma? Am I gonna be a good swimmer too?
"Well, let me sing you a song my little baby girl...
When I was just a little girl, I asked my Grandma what will I be?
Will I be pretty, will I be a good swimmer?
Here's what she said to me....Que sera sera, whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see...Que sera sera, what will be will be.
Now go to sleep my little Namaile."

Whattup Yo! 253 Yo!

My little
gangsta's
flashin' her
W...not for
Westside,
or West
Coast but
instead for
Washington
or 253 Yo.
Her gang
is real hard
core cuz
they wear
blue pamps.
She's all up
on defending
her turf....
which right
now is her
walker cuz
she's not
real good at
walking right
yet.
"Sup Homes"
"Yo, way my
hose at?"
"Ammo flay
my nachos."
"Flay on
ma fizzlin'
chizlin'
hizzlin'
bizzle."
Which of
course means,
"I'm gonna
flare my
nostrils...
for sure my
filipino
chinese
haole
baby."

Seventies Were Cool

Grandma, tell
me some
stories about
the seventies.
"Ok, well....
your grandpa
had a friend
whose name
was Willie
Wong. He went
to Barbizon so
he thought he
was a model/
actor. And he
got a small
role in a few
TV shows that
were made in
Hawaii. So his
head got big.
Or maybe it
was his super
curly hair that
made his head
seem big.
He liked to tell
stories to all the girls to make 'em cry.
Usually they were mainland girls or bookbooks from Kauai.
Your grandpa was the best man at his wedding.
He got so lit, we had to leave before 7:30."
Wow, the seventies were cool, yah grandma?

Norwegian Researchers are Knuckleheads

Hey Grandpa,
I just read an
article by
Norwegian
researchers
that said that
first born kids
have higher
IQs than their
younger
siblings. What
do you think
about that yo?
"Well, actually
that makes
sense cuz I'm
a firstborn,
and so is your
mom and
everybody
who played
quarterback
for the
Oakland
Raiders, so it
must be true."
Hey, wait a
minute...isn't
Grandma a
firstborn too?
"Which proves once again my theory....Norwegian researchers are
knuckleheads."

Namaile Slams Grandpa

"Give it to me
what you say,
Give it to me
what you say,
Give it to me
Give it to me.
Give it to me
what you say,
Give it to me
what you say,
Give it to me
Give it to me."
"Hey Grandpa,
who sings that song?"
"Rick James"
"Well, you should let HIM sing it."

She Hears Voices

"Grandpa,
do you hear
voices?"
"Sometimes"
"Yah, me too.
Sometimes I
hear voices
say stuff like,
'Hey, no pee
in your pamps,
you're making
a big mess.
Use the toilet.'
But I never
listen. So much hassle. It's easier to just let it go.
What about you, Grandpa?"
''Well my voices say stuff like, 'Hey, knucklehead.
Put the seat down when you pau.'" Stuff like that.
"What do you tell the voices, Grandpa?"
"I just say, 'Hey Grandma Toi.....No act. Put 'em down yourself.'"

Banana Phone

My little
Twinkie
likes to
have a
good time.
She cracks
up whenever
I sing this
song to her...
banana phone

Berries and Cream Dance

What's my
little dingle
berry's favorite
dance?
She likes
the Berries
and Cream
dance from
the Starburst
commercial.
She can dance
it all night
long....
(Ok....
Actually,
it's her
Aunty Mahina's
favorite dance.)
berries and cream dance

She "Needs" to Go

Grandma,
why do you
like to go
shopping?
"It's not so
much that
I 'Like' to
go shopping
but more
like I 'need'
to go."

Is that like
you don't
'Like' to buy
more shoes,
but you
'Need' to buy
more shoes?

"Yup"

And you don't
'Like' to buy
more candles
and niknaks,
but you 'Need'
to buy more
candles and
niknaks?

"Have you been talking to grandpa?"
Grandma, I 'Need' to go to Toys R Us now.

Grandpa, Am I a Local Girl?

Grandpa, when you talk about 'Local People' or 'Locals', what are you talking about?
"Well little girl, local people are people from Hawaii. They're usually the coolest people.
Am I local, Grandpa?
"No, little girl. You're from the mainland."
I wanna be local too.
"Well, do you like to sing karaoke?"
Yes.
"And is one of your fingernails longer than the other nine?"
Yes.
"And does anybody in your family eat dog?"
You do. So...Yes....does that make me 'Local'?
"No, that makes you a bookbook....now be quiet and eat your bagoong."

At Least She Loves Me

"Grandpa,
how was
work today?"
"Oh, it was
OK, except
everybody
kept asking
me how was
my Father's
Day."
"So what did
you tell em?"
"I said that
everyday is
Father's Day
in my family."
"Is that for real Grandpa?"
"No, that's a pile of doo doo."
"That's OK grandpa, I love you."

Cheap Socks

Yippee!
Grandma
found a
good deal
on baby
socks. It
was on
sale for
just 25
cents each.
That's
super cheap
but only
got one
problem...
the heel
part is in
the middle
of the sock.
Oh, that's
crazy....
She also
got a deal
on panties.
Cheap too.
Get one
problem
though, it's used.
That's ok, it's easy to see which side is front and which
is back...just look at the stains.

Dog and Baby Lisa

Ok, Baby
Lisa, I need
for you to
help us get
this chick
who skipped
bail. Her
name is
Toi Guilao
and she is
on the plane.
"Dad, I
don't wanna
be a bounty
hunter. I
just wanna
be a normal
girl with an
overbite
and a tattoo
over my
butt."
"NO, Baby
Lisa...you're
a Chapman.
Just like
Duane Lee
and Leland
and Beth.
Except you
got a mean
overbite.
So go put
on this red
wig and
help us get
this chick."
"Ok, but
first pucker
up your lips
for no reason
and I'll do
the same."

Stick Jokes

My little
bunny
rabbit is
in her yard
and she's
talking to
a stick.
"Hey, Mr.
Stick. My
name is
Namaile.
Do you
know any
good jokes?"

"Well, yes
I do. What's
brown and
sticky?"

"I don't
know...
What IS
brown and
sticky?"

"A stick....
Don't worry,
I have more.
What do you call a boomerang that don't come back?"

"Let me guess.....a stick?"

Two of Us

Two of us going nowhere, spending someone's hard earned pay
Two of us Sunday driving, not arriving, on our way back home...
we're on our way home...we're on our way home....we're going home.
You and I'll have memories, longer than the road that stretches out ahead.
Two of us wearing raincoats, standing solo in the sun
You and me chasing paper, going nowhere on our way back home.
we're on our way home...we're on our way home...we're going home.
(whistling)

Just Call Her a BookBook

OK, so is
this girl
oriental?
Technically
she is, but
anything
east of
europe is
oriental.
People say
"Oriental"
when
actually
they mean
to say
"Asian".
Remember,
Oriental
is food,
Asian is
people.
That also
goes for
"Latte-sians."
Filipinos who
are always on
their cel phone and drink
Starbucks Mochas qualify as "Latte-sians."

Lipstick Rules

Little girl,
grandpa's
gonna tell
you two
things
about
lipstick.
"OK"
Number 1
-Lipstick
is only to
be worn
by those
who are
looking
for a mate.
Are you
looking?
"No"
K den,
no wear
lipstick.
I don't
want my
granddaughter to be a Ho.
"But sometimes grandma wears lipstick.
Is she looking for a mate? You guys married, yah?"
Nevermind....Lipstick rule #2: If you're sharing
a drink with somebody, don't put your lipstick on
their cup or straw, k? Wipe em off first...anyway,
what are doing wearing lipstick? I told you no wear 'em.
"Ok Grandpa."

P. Diddy's Proactiv Face Cleanser for Kids

Most people
will try to
exfoliate
with tiny
yet smooth
and round
beads in a
cleansing
formulation
to gently
slough off
dead skin
cells which
will leave a
refreshed
clean feel.
You should
instead try
to use big
spherical
beads like
these ones
I got here.
Then I
jump up
and down
on them to
pound them
beads into
my face which is a better exfoliater, don't you think?
There's no better cleanser than saliva and plastic balls.
Jojoba? I don't need no stinkin' jojoba.

Uncle Jason's Wedding Stories

Uncle Jason,
please don't
tell me any
more stories
about your
wedding...
"So anyway,
at the reception,
it was fun
cuz Aunty
Tiffany was
the best
maid and
she said if
I made your
Aunty Zelly
sad or stuff
she would
cut me....
I think she
really would.
And then
my borinky
cousins from
Miami came
down and
did this
cool dance.
At the end
she kicked
the chair
down and
that was
super cool.
And the DJ
was really
good...my
borinky
cousins kept
telling him
to play salsa.
Bla bla bla bla.
Hey Namaile,
where you going? Come back...I never tell you yet about other stuff.

They Keep Calling

Uh...you want to talk
to Namaile?
(Tell 'em I'm
not here)
Um...she's
not here
right now...
Can I take
a message?
(No mom,
don't take
a message)
Oh, so tell
her to call
you back
later? Ok, I'll tell her. Thank you. (click)
Who was that? He keeps calling here....
"I don't know, but guys keep calling here.
Mom did you have that problem before?
Did guys keep calling you until you eventually
ended up marrying one?"
Oh no, I didn't....but your Aunty Lizelle did.

Namaile, Be Sure to Wear Your Happy Slip

So anyway,
I said to
da guy,
"How cum
you are
tsarging so
muts por
dat egg
roll...I'b
neber seen
it like dat
bepore..."
Eben pood
is getting
so expensib.
He kips
saying,
Whateber
whateber...
saying dis
and saying
dat, going
bock and
port...
So I told
him, "Stop
beating da
boosh."
Anyway,
you are
peeling sick
cuz you
lock slip.
You hab
to take your
Bite-amin.
Anyway,
did I tell
you what
de doctor
said about
my back...
I just nid to take Bicks.
Headache? Bicks.
Tired? Bicks.
Hungry? Bicks.
Oh! Dat must be my Doe-ter....