Retarded Seaworld Seals

"Grandpa,
Seaworld
is fun cuz
there's all
of these
fish and
seals and
stuff."
"Yup yup...
good thing
we're in San
Diego cuz if
we were in
Manila, the
seal would
have an
apple in his
mouth."
"Yeah, and
it would be
spinning
over a fire."
"That's not
cool yeah
Grandpa?
Is it true
that seals
can hear us
and they
understand
what we're
saying?"
"Yes, it is...
go ahead...
try and ask
the seal a
question.
But you have
to remember
... sometimes
seals don't
make sense."
"Hey Mister Seal...do you like living in San Diego Seaworld?"
"Where am I? San Diego Seaworld? I thought I was in a
Christina Aguilera video."
"Grandpa, that seal doesn't even make sense."
"Hey little girl, throw me some fish to eat...my chiropractor
told me that fish is full of Omega 3 and it can lower my taxes."
"Grandpa, that seal says crazy stuff."
"Hey little girl, remember when I was a little caterpillar?....
Look at me now...I'm a beautiful butterfly-seal."
"Grandpa, that butterfly-seal is retarded."

"You Never Give Me Your Money"

"Grandpa, do you
think anybody over
the age of 50 should
ever say the phrase
"funky fresh"?"
"Ummmm...nope."
"Grandpa, do you
think that the judges
on American Idol is
significantly dumber
than the judges on
Dancing With the
Stars'?"
"Ummm...yup
significantly."
"Grandpa, when
Lauren Hill says,
'What....what...' do
you think that she
sounds stupid?"
"Ummm...yup, but
not as stupid as when
Lil John screams,
'Yeeaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh'."
"Grandpa, when gas costs $1.81 a gallon and just
3 months ago it was $4.50 a gallon, is that stupid?"
"How about some Beatles?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNLmXyxrXBA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xJlkrI3DLA

Namaile and Moani Single Ponytail

"Grandpa,
what do
you think
about hair?
Do people
really care
how you
make your
hair... like
if you got
only one
ponytail...
is that a
problem?
Or what if
I had three?"
"Well, looking at old baby
pictures of your mommy,
(with shark-teeth necklace)
I would say that wearing
an odd number of ponytails
runs in your blood. Actually,
whether you wear one or two
isn't a big deal. The problem
is like if you wear more than
two. I think some people may
think you're weird. Personally
I think being different is cool.
Anybody can wear 1 or 2 tails.
But only cool chicks wear 3.
What's cool about being a girl,
is that you can do so much stuff
with your hair....cornrows, french
braid, afro or mousse the big hair,
anime spike or asian girl bleach tips.
When you get older, your Grandpa is gonna braid your
hair. When your mommy and Aunty Mahina were small
kids, I used to like to brush their hair and make one little
braid in the front/side .... just a small "out-of-place" braid.
But if you had 3 braids... whoa...that would be ultra cool."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-n2aWL7zsI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gl1VjK1T32E&feature=related

Cock-A-Roaches

"Grandpa, is there cockaroaches in the backyard over here?"

"No... there's no cockaroaches here in the mainland. They

only get snakes...so not so bad."

"Good... cuz I don't like cockaroaches. In Hawaii get plenny, yeah?"

"Oh yeah, Hawaii get choke cockaroaches. But that's only cuz local

people love 'em."

"Why Grandpa? Why do the locals love cockaroaches?"

"Cuz, it's fun when you slap 'em with your slippah.

"Grandpa, if cockaroaches could talk, what would they say?"

"They would prolly say stuff like, 'Hey brah, no slap me.'"

"Grandpa, what would you do if a cockaroach said that to you?"

"I would say, 'Come here little cockaroach...don't worry I won't

slap you with my slippah.............................................PAK!'"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TT4XO3Hjp7M

Just Say It Loud With Conviction

"Grandpa, is it possible to say something crazy and believe it's true?"
"Oh yeah, your Grandma does it all the time."
"Grandpa, does it really become true?"
"The answer to that is NOOOOO."
"How does she do it?"
"Some people think that if you just say it loud and with conviction,
not only is it NOT crazy but it's actually true......... wanna try it?"
"OK Grandpa......."HEY, THESE SUNGLASSES FIT ME JUST RIGHT!"
"Good... now try another one...pretend that you're a Raider Fan."
"OK Grandpa......"THE RAIDERS ARE THE GREATEST NFL TEAM!"
"Wow...you really are good at this....
Now pretend that you're Grandma and you just bought some crap."
"OK Grandpa....."I JUST BOUGHT SOME GOOD AND USEFUL STUFF
AND IT WASN'T ON SALE BUT IT WAS STILL REALLY CHEAP AND
I'M NEVER GONNA RETURN IT CUZ IT'S REALLY GOOD STUFF!"
"Now you're starting to scare me."

Knucklehead Sandwich

"Grandpa,
do you ever
wanna punch
yourself?"
"Do I ever?
Of course I
do, especially
whenever I
say 'do i ever'.
But lately,
I've been in
the mood to
punch myself
whenever I
eat like a pig.
Believe it or
not, your old
Grandpa used
to have a six
pack...but now
I got a keg....
and whenever
I eat like a
pig, I feel like
punching my
self. I'll be like,
'Oh man, I
ain't gonna eat
no junk today',
and then sure
enough, I'll eat
2 orders of
junk and a side
of crap. So that's
the time I'm
bout to give my
face a smack ...
give myself a
little knuckle
sandwich...."
"That's funny
Grandpa."
"What's funny?"
"I was thinking that since you're a knucklehead,
you should actually be giving yourself a knucklehead
sandwich. Dats funny, you Visayan knucklehead."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86IpU3g-S8Q

Another Useless List

"Hey, you old has-been Visayan knucklehead, is there like
an all-purpose phrase that you like to say out of the blue?"
"Well my little pie, there are actually 5 phrases that you can
say anytime for no reason ... and I suppose you would like to
see those 5....
1. "I like _____, it tastes just like chicken."
I used to use this whenever people would look at a dog
or any other food, especially at a buffet.
A similar phrase would be, "It's really good when it's spicy."
That one works really good in a bakery.
2. "Excuse me...I was praying"
This is good if your boss catches you sleeping.
3. "Well, isn't that the cat's meow?"
This works anywhere...anytime.
4. "Well, isn't that the dog's bow-wow?"
Actually, this seldom works... thought I'd just throw it in
- in fairness to dogs.
5. "I'm a little girl and I like fancy things."
It sounds better if you're actually a little girl...but if you
are an old guy...you probably should avoid this one."
"Grandpa, I find this list totally useless."

http://www.funny.co.uk/stuff/art_173-1449-Fun-Things-To-Say-in-a-Public-Restroom.html

Eating Out is Funner

"Grandpa,
why is it so
fun to eat
out?"
"Well, first
of all, eating
out means
that nobody
gotta do no
dishes....
actually,
somebody
does dishes
but it ain't
me. Secondly eating out is good cuz the food always
tastes good... you know sometimes when Thelma
cooks, you gotta pray twice... pray before you eat
and then you gotta pray after you eat. And then,
the most bestest reason why it's funner to eat out,
you get to put more balance on Grandpa's credit card,
putting me deeper and deeper in debt... that's the
cat's meow."
"Grandpa, how bout after when we get to listen to
the street singers? That's fun too yeah?"

Dollar Fish Tacos at Rubio's Every Tuesday

"Grandpa,
do you like
Rubio's on
Tuesdays?
Cuz I do..."
"Do I like
Rubio's on
Tuesday's?
DO I EVER.
Cuz Tuesday
is Dollar
Fish Taco.
That's quite
a bargain...
it comes with
a lime...and
all the salsa
from the
salsa bar that
you want...
The salsa bar
got a pretty
good selection.
It even got
pickled carrots
and all the lime
and lemon you
want. I refuse
to go to Taco
Bell...if you live
in San Diego
and you go to
Taco Bell, my
personal
opinion is that
you're mental.
That would
be like living
by a dog pound
and eating beef
... mental."
"Grandpa, I'm
thinking that your analogy might be a little off. But I see
what you're saying. They even serve beer here yeah?
'Oh waitress, we'd like a couple of Dos Equis'."
"Namaile...that's not a waitress...that's your Grandma."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCDqrpfjxw0

Aunty MahinaLynn

"Grandpa, Aunty Mahina is my mommy's sister, right?"
"Well my little crunchy takuan pickled yellow radish,
yah - she's your mommy's 18 year old little sister.
She's my 'bunso' and your mommy is my 'panganay'."
"Am I ever gonna get a sister? That would be cool."
"Are you gonna have a sister? Well, that kind of depends
on a few things right now ... little trivial things like
is your mommy and daddy mental...stuff like that"
"Ok...but if I had one, what will be her name?"
"Well, if it were up to your Aunty Mahina, a good name
would be something like Waverly.... or Honeygirl ...
maybe some Korean name like Won Bok ...
or anything that ended with Lynn
like Waverlylynn or Lindalyn or WhoopsIkeepfall-lyn."
"Grandpa, make sure Aunty Mahina doesn't name
my sister, okay?"

"Let Me Tell You About Wishes..."

"Grandpa,
check out
this cool
water thing
...it shoots
out water
and stuff.
And there's
a bunch of
coins on the
bottom of
this thing.
What's up
with that
nonsense?"
"Well my
little asker
of questions
...all of them
coins on the
bottom is
from people
makin' wishes
...what they
do is make a
wish and then
throw some
pennies, dimes
or nickels in
there... I think that they think that the wish will come true if
you drop some coins. They're thinking stuff like, 'I wish my
fat will go away' then they throw in a couple of coins then
head over to Mickey Dees and get a couple of Big Macs...
stuff like that....or maybe they'll say, 'I wish my husband
looked like George Clooney' then they'll throw in a couple of
dimes and go home to their husband Fautino Respicio from
Ilocos Norte. Once in a while a guy will say, 'I wish my wife
will give me a massage' and then he'll throw in a few coins...
then he'll go home and say, 'Honey, can I have a massage?'
and his wife will say, 'Shut-up and feed me' or 'Where's my
money?'...she might even say, 'Take me out to Olive Garden
you bookbook idiot'...so I guess you can say that this making
a wish and throwing in coins is just a bunch of crap."
"Thanks for the buzzkill Grandpa."

"Random? Like Random Pictures of Giraffes?"

"Grandpa,
are you ever
at a loss for
words?"
"Yeah, that
can happen...
especially if
you're just a
little kid with
a limited
vocabulary...
or a big kid
with poor word
retention.
You might
try this....
mispronounce
words...I see
you already
do this cuz you
occasionally
refer to me as
'Grand-Ka'.
You might
also consider
swapping your
P's with your
F's...
that's a little
something that my people do.
Here let's give it a try...ask me a question that has
me at a loss for words and notice what I do..."
"Okay...Um...Grandpa...what's the capitol of Burma?"
"Umm...well....ummmm...the capital of Barma?...
.....farking lot...fing fong faddle...
Did you see how I handled that?"
"Yes...you mispronounced Burma and you mixed your Ps and Fs."
"Here's another thing you can do...just answer with something
random... your Uncles and Aunty Mahina does it all the time...
you might as well too....just say stuff that don't make no sense.
Here let's give it a try...ask me something."
"Okay...Um Grandpa...why don't you clean up your mess?"
"Ummm...well...yeah, clean my mess...hmmmm... I'm gonna
rotate my tires... Brother So and So .... fancy pants...
(now make up a few words).... Mep... spilk.... flistum ....
.... cheebus ..... flatulate.....See how easy that is, Namaile?"
"Actually Grandpa, I think 'flatulate' is a real word."
http://www.fourteenminutes.com/fun/words/index.cgi

"Dogs....Food....Same Thing"

"Namaile,
there's a
few rules
I gotta let
you know
about food
...first of all
...food is for
eating...you
shouldn't
kiss your
food...
also, it's not
a good idea
to become
too attached
to your food
...that means
you prolly
shouldn't be
hugging your
food. What
might happen
is that one
day you're
hugging or
kissing your
food...and
next thing you know, it's on a plate with an apple in it's mouth.
And you're gonna be like, 'Hey, what happened to Fluffy?'
Um...Fluffy's got an apple in it's mouth, that's what happened."
"Grandpa, are you talking about food or are you talking
about dogs?"

Boyz to Grandpas

"Grandpa, you're super old yeah?"
"Yeah, I'm a cinquenagarianist."
"Yeah, of the bookbook variety...but, besides your
gray hair, how do you know that you're old?"
"Well yesterday at work, some music from the ninety's came
on...I think it was some Boyz to Men...and this knucklehead
co-worker said, 'Allright! Some old school.'
I'm like thinking, 'What an idiot'....and then I started
thinking again and realized that I'm the idiot cuz that
song is like 15 years old and my co-worker is only 25."
"Boyz to Men?...prolly by now they're Boyz to Grandpas."