Pilipino Posing

"Grandpa,
can you
tell me a
few basic
rules about
bookbooks
and taking
pictures?"
"Ok, my
little poser
of questions
....rule #1..
show the
side of your
hand. Can
you see
how this
model is
attempting
to do this?
It would've
been a little
better if she
showed an
outstretched
hand and not
a curled one.
Tip #2...Tilt
your head.
If you tilt
your head,
you give the
illusion of
one earring
being a bit
heavier than
the other
earring.....
this allows
onlookers
to admire
your tilted
head. And
rule # 3....
show off any
skills you may
or may not
have...once
again, see
our model
here is very
flexible.....
she shows
that in her
picture.
There is
another one
....rule # 4....but our model here doesn't use it....it's the pose
where you're standing with one foot pointing at the photographer
and the other food directly behind the front foot but pointing
45 degrees to the side. This gives the illusion of a figure 8......
This pose is a favorite of the 'Over Forty' set. Our model here
is clearly below forty...so that pose would not apply."
"WOW Grandpa....you know so much about photography and
posing....how is that possible?"
"Like I said many times....Barbizon - Class of '74'."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhXXqL3RMqs

You Can Call Me RayRay

"Grandpa,
I keep on
saying, "Um
Hello!....Um
Hello!......."
but nobody
ever says
anything to
me."
"Well little
girl, that's
because
that's not a
phone, that's
a blowdryer."
"Blowdryer?
Ha Ha Ha!!!
Blowdryer
says he... and
I knew that.
Grandpa,
what if I
called you
Grandpapa?"
"Yeah sure
no matter
what you
call me, it's
still gonna
be a blowdryer. My name is Grandpa. ...not Grandpapa....not
Papa...not Lolo....not Ocho Cinco...not Faustino Respicio Jr.
How would you like it if people were to call you stuff like
Maile... or Namally ....or Joleisa....or Maldoogie...or Ming Ming
or Ting Ting? So....don't be calling me Grandpapa... especially
if you're talking to me through a blowdryer."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHeGX0wqazs&feature=related

Perry and Price and Tina You Fat Lard

"Grandpa,
check it
out...I'm at
this crazy
zoo, it's not
the normal
kine zoo.....
you can give
bread to the
stinkin' ox
and llama...
and they got
bears and
other kine
animals and
they like to
eat ham and
stuff...."Hey
Tina, you fat
lard, come get
some dinner!
Tina! Eat!
Food. Eat the
FOOD! Tina!
come get
some ham!"
They got a
tyranosaurus,
and hippos and unicorns and ligers and the Jonas Brothers
and Perry and Price and all kinds of bears...watch out for
those bears...they're scary when they're full of quaaludes."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfDPYeEctAU&feature=related

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!"

"Waaaaaaaahhh!
Grandpa, I'm so
sad cuz your wife
is going shopping
....I heard her
say that there's
a big sale at the
stupid Mall...at
Mervyns and at
Ross's and prolly
at Goodwill too.
Waaaaaaaaaahh!
She's gonna buy
all kinds of crap
and then she's
gonna hold it for
a couple of days
and then she's
gonna say she
doesn't like it any
more and she's
gonna return it...
Waaaaaaaaaaah!
There she goes...
Why does she do
it Grandpa? Why?
'GRANDMA! ! !
Don't do it! Don't
use the credit card
unnecessarily......
You're gonna stab
yourselves all over
with many pains.
And then you're
gonna stab your-
selves all over with
many payments...
Grandma! Don't forget
to buy me a McDonald's Happy Meal!
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
I'm holding a tennis ball and I'm crying
...........Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Mouthful of Canines

"Grandpa,
check out
my mouth
...it's full of
teefusses."
"Yeah I
remember
when you
were bungi
and now....
look at you
...you get
planny.....
I see you
got incisors, canines and molars....you got a full set now."
"Grandpa, did you say I got canines in my mouth?"
"Yeah, I know...that's crazy....canine in a bookbook's mouth."

Sleepy Music for Namaile

"Grandpa,
I'm really
tired now.
I wonder
if we can
listen to
some nice
mellow
music so
I can get
all relaxed
and stuff.
I'm not
really sure
what to listen to. You got any Yanni?"
"Nope...we ain't got no stinkin' Yanni."
"Grandpa, how about some Michael Boobla-Gay?"
"Nope.,..we ain't got no stinkin' Michael Boobla-Gay."
"Grandpa, how about some Conor Oberst?"
"What? You wanna sleep or you wanna die?"
"Ok Grandpa....then...how about some 'Smooth Jazz'?"
"Oh...you mean Smooth Crap? No, we ain't got no Smooth Crap."
"OK Grandpa...how about some Ann Wilson from Heart?"
"Ann Wilson from Heart? Oh I see, you want Ann Wilson
to scare you to sleep."

Cold Cold River Happy Fun Time

"Grandpa,
check it out
...squatting
in the river
...you ever
seen a book
book do dis
before?"
"Ha ha ha
ha ha ha...
Namaile,
you crack
me up."
"Grandpa,
rivers are
fun yeah?
We can go
walking up
and down
this place,
we can go
look at the
fish......hey
where's all
the fish?...
and we can
look at all
rocks and
stuff...oooh
look at the
nice rock...
it's smooth
and it's wet
and it's all
rocky and
stuff....OH
da trills oh
heyah in
da river. If
we take this
rock home,
we can make
fancy kine
paperweight.
Or maybe
Grandma
can use em
for scrub her
okole when
she takes a
shower and
den.....HEY!
What's that
I see in the
water? Oh
wow! IT'S
more ROCKS!!!
This is more fun than Waimea Beach. Now I wonder if somebody
can swing me around in the air? Then I can say, "WHEEEEEEE!"
OH! I can't stand this! Swing me in the air...WHEEEEEEEEEEE!
I'm in this cold, cold, cold river and there's nobody here and we're
looking at rocks and afterwards, we're gonna go get shave ice and
I'm gonna conk myself in the head so I can see stars....WHEEEE!"

How Old Is My Grandpa?

"Grandpa,
you sure do
have a lot
of gray hair
...you must
really be old
yeah?"
"Well, as a
matter of
fact, your
Grandpa is
really old.
I'm older
now than
Gabby was when he sang Hiilawe on the Brown Album back
in 1972. I'm older now than your great grandma Nancy was
when your mommy was born. I'm so old that I remember
when gas was 25 cents a gallon and comix was 12 cents. I
remember when Awake was 10 cents and had food at
Assemblies. I remember when your Grandma Thelma could
run like a gazelle and your Grandpa was really mental."
"You USED to be mental? Ha Ha Grandpa, you crack me up."

Ship in the Fair

"Grandpa,
how come
bookbooks
are saying to
'look at the
ship'? They
got no ships
over here."
"No, they
mean look
at the sheep.
You see that
sheep over
there...you
can go touch
the face an
den. If you
listen real
carefully,
you can hear
what they're
saying...."
"Baa-aaa-aa
Baa-aaa-aa.
He-ey little
girl, you got
any extra
activator
that you can spray on my jerry curls. Baa-aaa-aaa.
Baa-aack Street Boo-ooys. Ba-aa-aabylon. Baa-aaallads
are for boo-ook boo-ooks."

Puyallup Fair

"Grandpa,
try look..we
stay at the
Puyallup
Fair! And
there's a
place here
they call
'Sillyville'.
How come
they call it
that, you old
flip freak?"
"I don't know
...maybe cuz
they get a
bunch of
bookbooks
inside there
that sing
karaoke all
day. Look at
what your
Aunty Hina
is holding...
they call it
'Elephants
Ear'...you
know why?"
"Ummm....
because when
they called it
'Elephant's
Stool' nobody
bought it."
"Hey little
girl, check
out that huge
burger thing.
I wonder
what that's
made out of.
Hey!...how
come that
dog over there
got only three
legs? Check
out Aunty
Mahina eating
the corn. How
come she eats
it sideways?"
"Grandpa....
don't you eat
corn up and
down style?"
"Yeah, anyone
can eat corn
sideways....it
takes skill to
eat em up and
down."
"Grandpa,
what does
that red trash
bin say on it?"
"Oh that?
That's the
doo-doo only
trash bin. I
guess that bathrooms are out of the question here at
the Puyallup fair. You know what they say...'Here at
the Puyallup fair, it's not all the fun that you don't do,
it's all the fun that you do do.'"

Off Browns Point

"Grandpa,
check it out
...I'm out on
the boat with
mom, dad
and Grandpa
Ritchie."
"Are you on
a 3 hour tour?
No get stuck
on a desert
island k? Just
don't go out
too far...if you
see Harry
Kojima, then
you went too
far."
"Hey old man!
Harry Kojima
left "Let's Go
Fishing" a long
time ago."
"What about
Grandpa
Ritchie. Is he
drinking and
driving again?
Can you do an
imitation of
Grandpa
Ritchie after
he had a few?"
"Here...how
about this...."
"Good girl....
Now imitate
your Grandpa
Ritchie after
he ate too much."
"Here...how about this?"
"Very good...same imitation....Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha."

Story of the Tortoise, the Rabbit and the Book

"Grandpa,
what is this
white fluffy
thing with
floppy ears?"
"Oh that?
That's what
you call a
rabbit. Some
people call
'em hares.
Once upon
there was a
story about
a rabbit and
a turtle. The
rabbit of
course was
very very
fast and he
was checking
out the turtle
and mocking
it cuz it was
so slow. He's
like, "Hey!
Hey you slow
turtle! Brah,
you are so
stinkin' slow.
I kill you in
a race.' And
the turtle is
like, 'Yeah,
whatever
rabbit...I
know you
can't beat
me cuz up
in the road
ahead is a
bookbook and he don't eat turtles cuz too much work for
just a little bit of meat. But those books eat rabbits. They like
to put your ears with vinegar, tomatoes and onions...and
they like to make adobo with your body....and they like to
use your fluffy tail when they're applying their pulbo...and
your head they will deep fry and eat with Mong Tomas
sauce.' And the rabbit was like so scared that he died right
there on the spot. The end."
"Wow Grandpa, that's a nice story."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMGz0-fJ-Xw

"Grandpa, I Just Wanted to Know What is Sinkit"

"Grandpa,
what is
'sinkit'?"
"Well my
little eater
of potatoes,
sinkit is
Tagalog for
'Chinese
eyes.'"
"Is that
what I got
Grandpa?
Cuz I'm
not Chinese."
"Well actually, my little asker of questions, you are part Chinese.
Your Grandma is half Chinese, that means your moms is quarter
Chinese and that means that you are one eighth Chinese. So I
guess that means you would eat just one eighth of a cat. That
would be about 3 legs.... or maybe 2 legs and a tail. The good news
is that your Grandpa is full bookbook. That means your moms is
half book and you're just a quarter book. That would mean of
course that you would eat just one fourth of a dog...I suppose that
would be all 4 legs and a tail and most of his butt, including all of
the dingleberries."

"What???"

"Grandpa,
what do you
call it when
something is
so overly
something
that it
becomes the
opposite?"
"I don't know
what you're
talking about
there little
girl...???"
"Ok, like if
gas is so high
that you think
it's cheap. Like
gas used to be
$4.50 a gallon
and now that
it's $3.67, we
think that it's
cheap but
actually it's
so NOT cheap."
"Oh...ok....I
see now...um
...I think that you call that 'ironic'."
"No Grandpa, ironic is like rain on your wedding day...
like meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting
his beautiful wife."
"No Alanis...that's not ironic...that's mental...I think what you're
talking about is like when something is so UN-funny that
it's funny. Like when Jerry Lewis does something that's
supposed to be funny, but it's actually so UN-funny, that
it automatically becomes funny, because he thinks he's funny.
And then you're laughing because it's so NOT funny."
"No Grandpa, that's not ironic...that's retarded. Kind of like
how you're having these imaginary conversations with your
granddaughter, but she can barely say the word 'Grandpa',
let alone discuss the differences between irony and retarded."

Granddaughters

I know a girl...she puts the color inside of my world.
She's just like a maze...where all of the walls all continually change.
And I've done all I can...
to stand on her steps with my heart in my hands.
Now I'm starting to see...maybe it's got nothing to do with me.

(click on the picture and you will see)

Geese, Visayans, and Thriller

"Grandpa,
what's that?"
"Oh that?...
That would
be a goose."
"What if you
got more than
one? Then
what do you
call that?"
"Well if you
got more than
one...that is
what they
call geese."
"Ok...and what is that over there?"
"Oh that? That's a Visayan."
"Ok...what if you got more than one? Then what's that?"
"Well if you got more than one Visayan, that's showtime."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTFBy_71U1s

"Namaile... Make a Funny Face"

"Hi Grandpa,
you old bukbuk,
you like my
glasses?"
"Yeah....here
let me take a
picture of you.
Make a face
like you just
figured out a
math problem
on your fancy
HP33 scientific
calculator.....
now say,"Wow
I been working
on that equation
all day!"
"Here Grandpa...how's this face?"
"Ok, now make a face like we're playing bible games
and nobody knows the answer but you. Now make
the kine face where you just thought of the answer
and say, 'Am I the only one here that knows Greek?'"
"Here Grandpa...how's this face?"
"Good....now make a face like your mom just gave you 5
bucks and you spent it on something practical like Q-tips
and say, 'Mom, look...I didn't buy useless crap. I used the
5 bucks to buy Q-tips...and here's your change.'"
"Here Grandpa...how's this face?"

Water's In Her Blood

"Grandpa,
I like water.
I like it when
it's hot and
I get to jump
in a pool or a
sprinkler in
the yard.
What do you
call someone
like that?"
"Well my
cute little
custard filled
malasada, I
think when
you like the
nighttime,
then you're
nocturnal, and
if you like
vegetables,
then you're a
vegetarian, so
since you like
the water, I
guess you're
either waternal
or a watertarian. You know, your mom was a watertarian and
your grandma is waternal...so I guess you could say you kind
of like inherited it from them. Your Grandpa was too."
"Really Grandpa, cuz I hardly see you in the water."
"Well back in the day, I used to surf the big ones with Buttons,
Jerry, Bertleman and da black shorts hui. You know, long time
ago, Eddie wouldn't go...I had to show him... and then he went...
too bad he went too far. And before time, hardly had any
turtles on Oahu, but good thing I used my Marine Biologist
training to help the turtles mate. I would bring my Marvin
Gaye CDs to the beach and the turtles would go for it. One time,
a whale had a golf ball stuck in his blowhole, but I jumped in the
ocean, cuz I was a good swimmer, and pulled that golf ball out.
The sea was angry that day, my friend...but I saved that whale."

Hanging In Cousin Gigi's Crib

"Namaile,
when I said
that you can
come over
to my crib,
I was really
meaning to
say that you
can come
over to my
place."
"No, cuz, I
really think
you meant
your CRIB."
"Oh it's gonna be like that? Ok...haole, first I'm gonna
make a frustrated looking face, then I'm gonna throw
the pillow at your head, then I'm gonna step on your hair."
"What? You called me haole?? Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha."

Purple Boy

"Grandpa,
you crazy
Bookbook,
you got a
stupid joke
for me?"
"Yeah my
little Baby
Bop, I get
one for you
..once upon
a time there
was a Purple
family, and
the mom was baking some chocolate cake. Her little boy
was there and he grabbed some of the chocolate icing and
rubbed it on his face and said, 'Look mommy, I'm a brown
boy.' So the mommy slapped his head (PAK!) and said, 'Hey
you knucklehead boy, you go to your father right now.' So
he went to his father and showed his chocolate icing face
to his father and said, "Look daddy, I'm a brown boy.' So
the daddy slapped his head (PAK!) and said, 'Hey you
knucklehead boy, go to your Grandma right now'. So the
boy went to his Grandma and said, 'Look Grandma, I'm a
brown boy.' So the Grandma slapped his head (PAK!) and
she said, 'Hey you knucklehead boy, go to your mommy.'
So he went back to his mommy and she said, 'So what little
boy? Did you learn anything?' And the boy said, 'Yeah I
learned something....I've been brown for 5 minutes and
already I can't stand you Purple people.'"