Okolelani

"Grandpa, what would you name a baby girl?"
"By the Wax of Jessica! Why would you ask?"
"Ummm cuz I just wanna know what names are out there."
"Well, my little pie, I like your name, but that's already
taken. I like to not go with a common name. Your aunty's
name is Mahina. Not a common name. It's a Hawaiian
name that means Moonlight. Your mom's name Moani
means Fragrant Gentle Breeze. And your name means
Maile leis. But if I had to pick a name for a baby girl,
I would probably go with Okolelani which means
Heavenly Okole. Yup....that would be a good name."

Conundrum

"Grandpa,
sometimes
do things
bother you?"
"What'r you
talking bout?
Have you
been watching
Family Guy
again?"
"No, I was
just thinking
how Belle is
able to fall
in love with
this grotesque
Beast guy....
I mean, what
is that mess
all about???
Is that even
possible?
Cuz if it's on
Disney, it's got to be for real, right?"
"By the sweat of Whitney! That stuff is just movie crap.
In real life, Belle would have got on her I-phone and
called 911. Then the SWAT team would've taken Beast
down. Garson would be with his mahu boyfriend. Belle's
dad would be playing small roles on B movies, and all of
those talking clocks and teacups would be in Goodwill."
"Yeah, but what about the 'falling in love' with a beast part?
Is that possible? Is it possible to see the inner beauty in
somebody and block out the physical ugliness of that guy?"
"It's one of those 'conundrums'. Everytime I see a pretty
girl with an ugly guy, I think, 'that guy must not be ugly'."

Aunty Maylani

"Grandpa, who are these funny people?"
"Oh, that's your mom."
"No, you Filipino knucklehead, these other two."
"Oh that's Uncle Tucker and Aunty Maylani."
"Grandpa, what kine of name is Maylani?"
"Well, my little mochi ball,, it's kind of like a
Hawaiian name, but not really. There's a lot of
Hawaiian names that end in 'lani'. Like Leilani and
Hualani and Noelani and Mahulani. The reason is
when you put 'lani' at the end of a name, it means
'heavenly'. Like Leilani is 'heavenly lei'. And Noelani
is 'heavenly mist'. Mahulani of course means
'heavenly mahu'."
"So Grandpa, what is Maylani?"
"What choo tink? Heavenly month of May."
"Oh..............................................Um..........okay."
"Good thing she wasn't born in February."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws70oI3yMBc

"Tough Question Easy Question"

"Grandpa,
you old and
retarded
knucklehead
... I gotta ax
you this....
Is it rain if
it's not falling?
I mean, if it's
still a part of
the cloud, is
it called rain?
Or is it rain
only if it's on the way down?"
"By the beard of Ilsa! If it's still on the cloud, then
it's cloud. If it's falling down, then it's rain."
"But Grandpa, at some point the raindrop will break
away from the cloud and become a raindrop, right?"
"Yeah, so at some point, it's cloud, and then a millisecond
later when it separates itself from the cloud, it's rain."
"Grandpa, you Visayan orangatang, there's a millisecond
when the raindrop separates from the cloud, but it's not
falling...it's almost like it's floating, right before it falls, yeah?"
"Um.............................................................yeah?"
"Grandpa, if you mix yellow with red, do you get orange?"
"Well, most certainly, that would be a definite YES!"

Short and Mental

"Grandpa,
you old and
retarded
bookbook
orangatan...
what is the
best kind of
jokes?"
"Well, my
little chicken
wing, I think
the bestest
kine jokes
are the kine
that's short and mental. Like this one...
There was two blah lahs talking to each other
and one said, 'Ho brah, I really feel like eating
some Poke right now.' and the other blah lah
said, 'Ho brah, Gumby going be so sad and den.'"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhczFRlBT2E&feature=fvw

Perpetratin'

"Grandpa,
what is one
of the most
retardedest
things that
you've ever
seen?"
"You mean,
besides the
mirror in my
bathroom? I
suppose that
one retarded
thing I ever
seen was when I saw this guy wearing fake glasses.
He has perfect vision, but he liked to "accessorize"
and so he got glasses with lens that wasn't prescription.
Why not get hearing aids and stick em in your ear too,
you knucklehead? Or how about one of those cool voice
generators that Stephen Hawking uses? Use that too!"
"Grandpa, these glasses are real. These are Grammy's."
"Oh........................Ok..............nevermind den. Just don't
be wearing fake glasses for the 'look'. That's retarded."