Namaile Keeping Occupied on the Plane

"Grandpa,
this is so
cool yeah?
I'm watching
Nemo on
this DVD..."
"Yah, that's
super cool.
But did you
know that
when your
mom was a
baby, she
didn't have
one of those DVD players. We used to just read a book to her.
Then I would say, "Hey! Go to sleep you little brat!" And when
your Grandpa was a small kid, we didn't even have books...We
used to just sit still with our hands under our laps. And when the
stewardess was busy, we used to help her sweep the aisles or
wash the dishes."
"Grandpa! Are you crap-happy? Cuz you're so full right now."

Funny Stewardess

"And now
passengers,
please take
notice that
in case of an
emergency,
just in the
small case
that this jet
will plummet
to the ground
at the speed
of sound,
please grab
hold of the
yellow thing
that will fall
in front of
your scream-
ing face and
take a deep
whiff of your
last breath.
If you're
still alive
after that,
grab onto
your seat
cushion cuz
it will become
a flotation device....
This will be a big help to you
when you're floating in 33 degree
ocean water surrounded by sharks
and 25 foot waves."
"Grandpa, the stewardess is funny."

It's Not What You Don't Do, It's What You Do Do

"Grandpa,
what is the
purpose
of bran and
fiber?"
"Well my
little hair-
ball...bran
and fiber
keeps you
regular."
"Regular?
You mean
like normal
kine regular
or opposite
of freak
kine of
regular..."
"No, I mean
if you eat
bran and
fiber...it
keeps your
colon and
intestines
free of stuff so that things just flow. So it's good to
eat stuff that's full of fiber like bark and brillo pads
and kalding. Anything from Taco Bell is also good.
Just think, 'What would a dog eat?"
"Wow Grandpa, you know a lot about crap."

Who Says Stupid Stuff?

"Hey Grandpa...
you know what's
really funny?"
"Um, your hair?
Your funny shoes?
Your rosy cheeks?"
"No, you Ilocano
and Visayan Has
Been. What's funny
is how people say
stupid stuff. Like I
heard some Books
ask ridiculous
questions just so
that they can keep
the conversation
going. For instance,
if one Book says,
"Today is Monday"
the other Book will say, "Is it Monday? I thought it was Tuesday."
That's kind of goofy yah Grandpa?"
"That ain't bad. One time I was doing store witnessing and I asked the
clerk how many months pregnant she was.............of course, she wasn't.
And one time I called a sister 'Manang'. I found out later that I was
older than her."
"Man Grandpa...........for real I know why Grandma calls you retarded."

Mental Table at a Mental Restaurant

"Grandpa,
so............
um..........
what kind
of nonsense
is this?"
"Well, my
inquisitive
yet worried
little girl,
don't even
stress about
this one...
Let me tell
you what happened here...
There was this 'sale' of mannequins at
Mannequin Warehouse. It was a 'Half Off' Sale."

"Isn't That Always the Case?"

"Grandpa,
Aunty Hina
has a new
phrase that
she likes to
say... "Isn't
that always
the case?"...
You can say
that anytime
...wanna try
it old man?"
"Ok.....wow,
that water
looks like fun!"
"Isn't that always the case?"
"Deeper water would be funner."
"Isn't that always the case?"
"That Bookbook got a strong accent."
"Isn't that always the case?"
"Your Grandma loves to buy stuff on sale even if
we don't even need it, your Uncle Troy and Andrew's
hair looks all jam-up, and your Grandpa loves you."
"Isn't that always the case?"

"Uncle Sean...My Balloon Smells Funky"

"Uncle Sean,
whassup?"
"Well, your
Aunty Mojo
is feeling a
lot better
and she's
really glad
that you're
here to
visit her."
"Yah, well
is there any
thing 'ghetto'
that we can do right now? What would my Grandpa
do if he was here right now? Something fun and free."
"Well, little girl, here's some examination gloves. It's
fun cuz I can blow em up like a balloon...and it's free."
"Excuse me Uncle Sean, isn't that stealing?"
"Oh no....these are from the trash can...they're used."

Pick-Up Lines

"Grandpa, is there
any pick-up lines
that are kinda
funny?...."
"Well my little
cocky mochy, let
me tell you a few
pick-up lines that
you might find
humorous...
'Hey slow down
sugar, I'm diabetic'
'Are you Jamaican
cuz Jamaican me
crazy'
'Are you African,
cuz African like you'
'Are you tired, cuz
you've been running
through my mind
all day long...'
'Here I am...now what are your other two wishes?'
'If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.'
'Hi, I'm Mr. Right...somebody said you were looking for me.'
'Are you a gardening tool cuz you look like a ho."
"Um....Grandpa....do you work a lot with glue?"

Namaile Learning The Piana and Harmonica

"Grandpa,
playing a
piano or a
guitar is
fun yeah?"
"Yup, it's
fun but it's
a hassle
trying to
learn...cuz
at first you
prolly gonna
sound kinda
junk...but
after awhile it gets better...just gotta keep practicing."
"Is the piano kinda hard? To me it's hard cuz I hear
Uncle Andrew play and he's moving his fingers all
over....I try to do that, but I kinda lose concentration.
Maybe I'll try the harmonica...."

Random Questions

"Grandpa,
Guilaos are
different
yah?"
"Yup, my
sweet little
kibbles and
bits."
"How so, you
eater of dogs?"
"Well most
people say
'oatmeal' but
Guilaos say
'Quaker oats."
"Grandpa,
sphincter
says what."
"What?"
"Grandpa,
what is sipon?"
"Sipon is the
Tagalog word
for the stuff
that's running
out of your
nose right
now. Most people would wipe it...but not
Guilaos. Especially your uncles, they let it
run down their noses till they were well past
'Hanna-Bodda face' age. I can see that you're
keeping up the tradition...."
"Grandpa, when I stand close to you, I can
hear the ocean."

Zikri Making Moves

"Grandpa,
are guys
gonna be
checking
me out?"
"Oh yeah,
and then
as soon as
they do,
I'm gonna
kill 'em."
"Grandpa,
isn't killing
bad?"
"Uh...yup.
So don't be
acting all
da kine
around guys
okay? Cuz
you don't
want your
Grandpa
killing any
of em K?"
"What kine
of stuff
will they
be trying?"
"Well, they
prolly gonna
do stuff like
play peek-
aboo. That's
just the
beginning...
after that,
they going
try ask for
your cel #,
good thing
you no more
cel phone yet. After they get your digits, they will
ask you out to go somewhere with food. Maybe like
a McDonalds or a Ruth Chris Steakhouse. Then they
going buy you stuff...they might have to borrow money
from people so they can do it. Something romantic like
John Madden video game. Either that or jewelry, maybe
puka shells or something."
"How do you know all these things Grandpa?"
".....Um.......I think I saw it on TV."

Surrounded By One and a Half Ilocanos

"Grandpa!
Am I all
surrounded
by Ilocanos?"
"Yes, my
little banana
peel. You are
...but no need
worry cuz
Grandpa Gil
is FBI but
I'm only
Half BI."
"Grandpa,
what are Ilocanos famous for?"
"Well my little Pie R Squared,
Ilocanos are famous for cooking
Pinakbet and Kalamungay.....
Um....That's about it I guess."
"Thanks Grandpa, I always value
your bits of wisdom. Although I
probably could have used a little
bit more wisdom on this one..."

The Cat Picture

"Grandpa,
what do cats
say when
they talk?"
"Meow"
"Yah, that's
what I was
thinking. But
for some
reason, your
wife is tryin'
to tell me
that they
say 'Mao'. Like
former leader
of China - Mao Tse Tung. Maybe in her world they say Mao.
And Grandpa, do you think it's appropriate to kiss a cat? Cuz
that's what your wife tells me to do. Man, does she even know
what cats do? They lick themselves...all day. I ain't playin'....
Anyway, I just kiss em anyway to keep her happy...."

Namaile's Chair

"Grandpa, do you
have your own
chair?"
"You mean like
Archie Bunker
or Frazier's dad?
No, not me."
"Cuz I got my own
chair. Check it out.
You jealous?"
"No, not really...
Junk, your chair."
"Grandpa, how bout
a brain? Do you got
one of those?"
"You mean like
most people in
the world? No,
not me."
"Cuz I got my brain. Most people got one.You should consider
getting one...You jealous?"

What Did the Zero Say to the Eight?

"Grandpa,
i like to
draw O's.
Cuz they
are cool
spherical
orbs of
whimsy...
and I find
beauty in
simplicity.
If you add
zero to
numbers,
it gives em
more value
....how you
like dem
apples?...and
if you're
playing
tennis, you
call zero
LOVE....
So let's give
it up to the
ZERO cuz
the Null set
Rules! HEEEEEYAAHOOOOOOOO."

Shady Tree

"Grandpa, I don't
think that it's OK
that we refer to
a tree as 'shady'.
Do you think that
the tree might
get offended?"

"No my little
honey bucket,
all the tree gotta
do is say, "Your
mom's shady."

"I don't get it,
you freakish old
Ilocano goofball.
All you gotta do
is say, "Yo mama
is shady"?"

"No, don't say,
'Yo mama'....
say, 'Yo mom's
shady'. Get it?
Cuz that's more
funny dat way."


".....yah........
okaaaaaaay..."

Waiting For Dennis Lindberg

"Grandpa, what happens to people who die?"
"Well my pretty brown-eyed little girl, if they're nice - God will
remember them and wake them up. Then they can be themselves
again. Why do you ask a question like that for?"
"Cuz I was thinking about Dennis. He was nice and funny too,
he had a lot of faith, and he played guitar. But I never had a
chance to play with him. I really wanted to hear him play guitar
and hear him sing too. Will we ever get a chance to jam with him?"
"Very soon my little baby girl.........very soon......."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22032266/wid/11915773?gt1=10613

Mac-N-Cheese Is Mainland Food

"Grandpa,
what do you
think about
macaroni n
cheese?"
"I don't....
I mean that
is mainland
food. Homey
don't play
dat."
"Oh really,
cuz I love it.
It's so good."
"Yah, well you would think that cuz you're a mainland girl."
"So, you telling me that you don't eat mainland food?
What is Costco Hot dogs? Mainland food right?"
"Yah, but whenever I eat a Costco Hot Dog, I regret it later."
"And what about In-and-Out Double Double Hamburgers?
That's mainland food too right?"
"Yah...but after I eat one, I regret it later."
"So...what I think you're saying, you Ancient Asian Dolt, is
that if you regret it later, it's not the same as eating it."
"Yup yup...you're pretty smart for a little girl."
"Yah....................I can't believe Grandma married you."

Grandpa, What Is "Akamai"?

"Grandpa,
what does
'akamai'
mean?"
"Well my
little char
siu, 'akamai'
means smart
in Hawaiian.
I know lots
of 'akamai'
people."
"Really?
Like who?"
"Umm..... I can't think of anybody right now."
"Well my old and barely useful quinquagenarian, are you akamai?"
"I don't think so, cuz whenever I tell your Aunty Mahina and her
buddies that I'm old and stupid, they always say, "You're not old."
"Ha Ha Grandpa, that's funny."
"Why is that funny my little taro chip?"
"Cuz I would have said, "You're not stupid."

Bubbles are Fun

"Grandpa, do
you think that
bubbles are
cool? Cuz I do.
I think that
all kids do too."
"Yup, bubbles
are super cool
...in fact when
your Grandpa
was just a small
kid, back in the
early eighties,
whenever I
would take a
bath, I would
form my soapy
hand into a "OK"
shape, and blow
the soapy suds
into a bubble.
Sometimes, I
can make 2 or 3 bubbles cuz, as you know,
your Grandpa is highly skilled, even as a young boy
way back in the late eighties."
"Grandpa.....Grandma said you're full of crap."

Can You Yell a Lilly Bit Louder Please

"Grandpa,
is it good
to yell at
people?"
"Oh my
goodness
gracious
no. It is
ok only
if the one
you are
yelling at
is a bad
Grandma
who needs
direction."
"Grandpa,
are you
sure about
that?"
"Oh heavens
to Betsy yes.
Yelling is
a lack of
self control
to be used only when your Grandma is hard of hearing and needs a little bit of volume when being corrected.
So yelling is sometimes acceptable when communicating
between grandparents. "
"Grandpa, what about screaming? Is that ok?"

Namaile's ToiRoy Cartoon

"Grandpa,
what is
today?"
"Um...did
your crazy
grandma
lose her
phone?"
"Yup"
"Monday."
(next day)
"Grandpa,
what is
today?"
"Um...did
your crazy
grandma
find her
phone yet?"
"Nope"
"Tuesday"
(next day)
"Grandpa,
what is
today?"
"Um...did
your Hawaiian Chinese Grandma still not find her phone?
Did she go shopping again today for 'stuff'?
And did she not massage your Grandpa again?"
"Yup"
"Wednesday"
"Look Grandpa...I drew a cartoon of you and Grandma."

Man-Boy 2

"Hey little
girl...is this
your new
drawing?"
"Yah, it's
my 2nd
Man-Boy.
Do you
like it you
old Visayan
knucklehead?"
"Um...yah
but how come
when the man
said 'Hi' the
boy said 'Fine'?"
"Oh...that's cuz
young people
don't listen to
old people. It's
the law...like
I bet when
you talk to my
Aunty and
uncles, they
never really
listen to you
yah?"
"Not just them...one of these days you gonna be just like them.
I'll be talking to you and you won't even listen to what I said."
"Huh? Did you say something?"

Namaile's First Man-Boy Cartoon

"Grandpa,
do you like
my cartoon?
I call it
'Man Boy'."
"Um.....
yah .....
why do you
call it 'Man
Boy'?"
"Duh....look
at the faces,
you old Ding
Dong Hostess
Twinkie."
"Oh I get it.
Is there some
meaning to it,
like the boy
asks 'Why?'
cuz he's like
really unhappy
with his life,
cuz his neck
isn't connected
to his shirt?"
"Yah.....you're smarter than you look, you Bookbook orangatan."

DOT-TREE!

"Grandpa,
you old and
messed up
freak, are
you ever
intimidated
by people?"
"Well, not
really, cuz
your gray-
haired ape
of a Grampa
is like Jimmy
Crack Corn...
I don't really care.....
Well, I take that back....there is just one guy
that intimidates me. It's not cuz I'm scared of
him...I think I'm intimidated cuz he is so awesome.
'Be careful what you wish for! Cuz you just might
get it all....Yah....I'm going home...(Pose with guitar)'"
...........shhhhhh....don't be scared....it's only 3 minutes long....shhhhh....
http://youtube.com/watch?v=I6lmIchRlD4

They're Pretty Even When They're Closed

"Grandpa,
is it true
that books
sometimes
will cut their
baby girl's
eyelashes
when they
are young
cuz they
think that
it will make
their lashes
longer?"
"Yes, my
little can of
whipped
cream. It's
kind of
mental I
think."
"Did you
guys cut
my lashes?"
"No way."
"Good, cuz
that would
be kind of
fake yah?"
"Yup yup. Now go to sleep my little animal cracker. And
dream about shopping, like your grandma always does."

Um...That Would Be You And Me Girly Girl

"Grandpa,
what's a
posse?"
"Well my
little pork
dumpling,
that would
be the crew
you roll wit.
Like your
Aunty has
a posse in
Hawaii and
a posse in
O-side. So
wherever
you go, you
should have
a posse."
"But old and
gray Ilocano
fool, what do
posses do?"
"No worry
my little
party tray.
All you gots
ta do is pose
for pics, shop, scam, and share each other's clothes.
There's really not much to it. Oh and occasionally
flash a peace sign or shaka sign. Dass it."
"Wow grandpa, that sounds easy. But who's my posse?"

"He Can Play Your Grandma ALL DAY - EVERYDAY"

"Grandpa,
how come
always get
guitars and
music kine
stuff all
over?"
"Oh, you so
inquisitive
little smack,
it's good cuz
whenever
you feel like
playing, you
just pick one up and go. Your Aunty Mahina can
play drums and guitar, your Uncle Troy and Andrew
can play drums, guitar, and piano and your mom can
play piano. So you see how good is that?"
"Yah, but Grandpa...what can Uncle Damian play?"

Grandma Is Not As Old As Grandpa

"Grandma, you
must be pretty
old, cuz you're
a grandma."
"Yup, I'm kind
of old...but not
as old as your
Grandpa."
"How old is he?"
"Well, he's so
old that he used
to play with POGs
...not collect 'em.
He's so old he would
say "Hana oko lei lei" to people when they do something stupid.
And when you do something dumb, he would say, "Bakatare you."
He's so old, he knows who Aku, Kamasami Kong and Ron Jacobs is
and he calls the Blaisdell the HIC. He's seen Gabby, Atta Isaacs,
Hui Ohana, he's been to Territorial Tavern to see Olomana and
he's seen Kalapana at Top A Da Shoppe. He used to say stupid
stuff like, "Ming Toi Puulei, sitting on da fence...trying to make one
dollah out of 15 cents...red,white and blue...stahs ovah you....Mama
say Papa say, you Pake." Yup, little girl...he's really old."

Get Sharks Or What in Dis Lake an Den?

Row Row
Row your
boat...
Gently
down the
stream...
Merrily
merrily
merrily
merrily
Life is
but a
Dream.
Row Row
Row your
boat...
Gently
down the
stream...
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
Life is but
a WHOA
NELLY!!
SNAPPA
LAPPA
DOOPY!!
Hey BRAH! NO DROP da BABY!!!

People in Hawaii Books

"Hey Grandpa,
I like this one
better, 'Artists
in Hawaii'. It's
way way way
better than
the other ones
you had over
there, 'People
Who Ride the
Bus and Fall
Asleep With a
Pile of Saliva
on Their Lap
in Hawaii'
or 'People Who
Sell Crap at the Swap Meet and Asks Ridiculous
Prices for Them in Hawaii' or 'People Who Shouldn't
Be Wearing Those Undersized Bike Shorts But Wears
Them Anyway in Hawaii' or 'People Who Have At
Least 7 Gold Hawaii Heirloom Bracelets and Wears
Them All in Hawaii'.

Just Thinking Out Loud at the Doctor's

"Is this really
necessary that
I sit here in
my pamps?
I just got a
little flu...
Can I have
some dignity
over here?
Thank you.
Um...What's
all those little
things over
there? Can I
put a couple in my mom's diaper bag? How
about some decent reading material? This
'Newsweek' magazine has the label removed
from the front. Is somebody scared that we'll
find out who subscribed to 'Newsweek'? So,
how long does it take for the Doctor to 'prepare'?
I've only been sitting here in my pamps for 45
minutes. He must be washing his hands really,
really, really, really good."

"I Don't Know Why Either...."

"Grandpa, did
you watch the
movie called
'Ratatouille'?"
"No, why? Is
it a good one?
Should I see
it? What's it
about?"
"It's about a
rat. His name
is Ratatouille.
But it's also
about cooking
and the diff
between an
herb and a
spice. It makes
you want to
cook after you
watch it."
"Ok little girl,
I'll watch it."
"But Grandpa,
there's just one
problem. I don't
know why, but Uncle Damian keeps calling me Bratatouille."