Grandpa's Little Spy

"Grandpa, is
it good to keep
secrets?"
"Well my little
bowl of Raisin
Bran, that all
depends."
"Depends on
what you old
gray haired
has-been?"
"Well, it kind
of depends on
if the secret
is juicy or not."
"Ok, well, I
got a secret,
but I'm not
sure if I can
say. I don't
want my peeps
to think that
I'm gonna say
stuff to you.
Will you tell
somebody
else if I tell
you my secret?"
"Of course, that's the fun part about secrets."
"Ok, I guess I can trust you. Whenever Grandma
is talking and talking and then all of a sudden she
gets quiet for a few minutes, that means that she's
eating bad stuff like Trader Joe's Belgium Chocolate."
"By the name of So-and-So, that's not a secret. I
already knew that. But I'm glad that you told me.
Now, keep on reporting me stuff that Grandma does, ok?
That will be our little secret."

Yah, I Guess That Is Pretty Hilarious

"Hey little
girl, what's
so funny?"
"What's so
funny?.....
I just saw
a guy in
the next
car digging
deep for
some nose
gold. And
behind him
was a big
Hummer.
Don't these idiots know that gas is 10 bucks a gallon?
And next to that car was another car with pennies
glued over the entire car. Behind him was another
car that had a big Playboy sticker on his back window
and when I looked inside, the driver looked like a
Filipino George Castanza. And then in this car, my
old Ilocano Flipanzee is steering the car with his knees
and reading his text messages at the same time."

Yah, Ours Was Way More Fun

"Grandpa,
who has more
fun, me and
my mom or
you and my
mom when
she was a
small kid?"
"Well my
little Toma
Gatchi, me
and your
mom had
good fun. We
used to go
to Ala Moana
Beach all of
the time and
we lived at
Red Hills.
Over there
had a pool
right by our
apartment.
We had all
the powdered
milk and
cheese and
luncheon
meat that the WIC Program would give us. All of our
friends and relatives lived within 5 minutes of us and
we partied all the time. We used to go Halawa Park so
your mom could play on the crazy submarine. We
went to all of the McDonald's play area cuz was free and
we got to eat fries and fruit punch. No more fruit punch
in Mainland you know. So our fun was better than yours.

"I Was There"

"Grandpa, you
used to go to
concerts back
in the 70's?"
"Um yah, I
remember
going to see
Kalapana,
C&K, Tower
of Power,
Olomana,
EWF and so
many good
bands back
then. Every once in a while, me and Grandma
will go watch 'em now...but you cannot beat their
shows back in the day. I mean, they may be
better musically or whatever today, but it's cool
that I was there when they were younger.
I remember Olomana's first show at Andrew's
Amphitheatre. They opened for another act, but
everybody could tell that they were gonna be
special. Had Jerry Santos, Robert Beaumont and
a Cello player. Anybody who calls themselves by
the name Olomana today cannot compare to the
Olomana I saw way back then. See....it's cool
when you can say that 'I was there'."
(Just like I was there when you were the opening act)

What About the Drunk Flamingos?

"What's so
funny there
little girl?"
"I just read
that Paris
Hilton is
helping the
drunk
elephants.
Apparently
there are
binge drinking
elephants in
India. Paris says, "The elephants get drunk
all the time. We need to stop making alcohol
available to them." I think what we need is
to card them just like any other customer at 7-11."
What did I tell you? Yup, She's a stinkin' Genius.

(She's Really Not Like This)

"Waaaah!
My life is
so junk. I
hate it. I
like go run
away and
den cuz it's
so junk to
be me. If
somebody
just take
me to
Starbucks
and get me
a Caramel
Machiata
then I can
be normal.
What's so
hard about
that? Or how
about just
getting me
one Boba?
What's the
big deal?
Only cheap
an den. Just
take me
and get me
one small
drink...dass
all. Oh....
what's this?
Slurp...
Sip...Slurp..
Glug, glug,
Slurp....
Ahhhhhhh.
There...
That's much
better...
Now I can
relax....
Now, take
me to get
some onion
rings an den.
I like go to
McDonalds.
Somebody
take me or
else I going
snap. What?
You guys
like torture
me or what?
Take me. I like go NOW! Waaaaah!

Aunty Mahina and Uncle Tyler

"Hey Bully"
"Hi Uncle"
"Did you
eat salad
today?"
"No...not yet."
"How's your
diet?"
"Huh?"
"How's your
workout?"
"Huh?"
"How's your
text messing
skillz?"
"Good"
"Yah, I knew
you'd say
that...How
about your
X-box skills
...what? you
doing Dance
Dance Dance
Revolution
everyday?"
"Uhm...they
get only 2
Dances, not 3 in the title..."
"Ok....was just testing you an den. You passed.
Now....go eat your salad before I make your uncles tackle you."

2 Chix Talkin'

Namaile:
Hollah!
Isabella:
Hi Namy!
N: So did
you see
Conan last
night? Oh
da crazy
red-head
was going
off.
I:Um, nope
I went to
bed way
earlier than
that.
N: Cool...so
my Uncle
Troy is so
ripping on
my Aunty
Mahina cuz
she likes Dax
Flame and
Jsan Mraz.
He calls 'em
gay and she's
like, 'No they
ain't.'
I: What's gay?
N: Really....what EXACTLY IS gay?.....Anyway....Hey look at that sky.
Man, I wish I was a bird so I can fly away. I would go to Mexico and
hang with the natives, eat tortas all day. Then I would fly to Hawaii
and find some Ilocanos making kalding kaldareta and eat shave ice
and malasadas from Leonards. Then I'd fly over my Grandpa's place
in Oceanside and crap all over that piece of junk car that's been in
his driveway for 10 months now. Then I'll go fly around till I find those
crows from the movie 'Dumbo' and say, "Man, you guys offend me."
I: No....really.....what's gay?

Just 'Somewhat' Offensive

"Hey little
girl, what
are you
laughing
at? What's
so funny?"
"I just
looked in
the mirror
and saw my
hair...Ha
Ha Ha Ha...
hilarious..."
"How about
a stupid joke? Would you like to hear one?"
"Yah Ok Grandpa, as long as I don't find it offensive."
"Ok, well this guy found himself on a bar floor. And he was like,
'Oh crap, I must have had too much'. So he crawls out the bar
and gets up to catch a taxi. But then he falls on the curb and says,
'Ah crap, I'll just crawl home'. So he crawls all the way home and
stumbles through the doorway after opening the lock and ends
up on the floor again. 'Oh crap, I really had too much to drink'.
So he crawls into bed and his wife goes....'Did you have too much
to drink again?' And he's like, 'Yah honey, how'd you know?'
So the wife says, 'Cuz the bar called and said you left your
wheelchair there again.'

In Her Carseat Dreaming of Fries

Namaile is
traveling
tonight in
her chair.
I can see
the red
tail light,
heading for
Mcdonalds.
Oh, I can
see Namaile
waving good
bye. She's
gonna play
with her toes...
cuz they look like fries in her eyes.
Oh Oh Oh...Namaile girl...
you are younger than me...
Do you still feel the pain...of the carseat on your okole
Your eyes have fries...and make 'em supersize
Namaile you're a star....
in your grandfather's eyes.
(To the tune of "Daniel")

Grandpa and Grandkid Talkin' Smack

"Hey little
girl, your
hair is all
jacked up."
"Hey you
old Ilocano
Orangatan,
you reek of
garlic and
lumpia and
beer."
"Hey little
girl, you
talk like you
wanna speak in Spanish, but your sentences
are not complete. You just speak in unintelligible
gibberish sounds like Yoda in Mexico."
"And your hair is salt and pepper...heavy on the
pepper...and you reek of garlic, lumpia and beer."

Uhm...They Prolly Will

Oh, that's
unusual...
Uncle Andy's
hair is all
jacked up.
Oh, and so
is Namaile's
hair. That's
weird.
"Hey Uncle
Andrew,
how does it
feel to be a
middle kid?"
"Oh...not cool. One time your Grandma
and Grandpa forgot me in the Kingdom Hall.
They came back for me about 20 minutes later.
And one time they left me at home when I was
just 6 years old. They totally forgot me, and when
they came back, I was just chillaxin' on the back
porch. Almost like the kid on 'Home Alone'. The
middle child is the Forgotten Child."
"Yah, I hope they never forget me somewhere."

Not Scared of Nemo Anymore

It's funny
cuz she used
to be scared
of this Nemo
fish. Actually
it's a clown-
fish but we
call it Nemo.
Before, if we
would take
her close to
this thing, she
would be all
'get that thing
away from me'
and now she
holds it and
laughs.
"Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha...it's
a funny fish."
"Hey little
girl, how come
you're not
scared of the
fish anymore?"
"Um.....
I don't know."
Actually, I know why....
That's right....she's a genius.

Mental Uncle Doing Mental Stuff

"Uncle
Andrew
are you
mental?"
"Uh..no"
"But do
you like
to do
mental
things?"
"Uh...
yeah..."
"Like what?"
"Well for today,
how about if
I take some plastic balls from your bouncing plaything
and put them in your shirt so you look mental."

BookBook/Hawaiian Girl Dancing

"Little girl,
what kind of
stuff do you
hate?"
"Well my old
and gray ape
of a book, it's
not good to
hate...but I
have a hard
time dealing
with people
who say that
they're gonna
do stuff but
they don't do
it. I also find
it amusing
when people
are like 1/8 Hawaiian but they mention that part
of their ancestry first when describing their background.
Like I'm only 1/16 Hawaiian, so I shouldn't tell people
I'm Hawaiian/Chinese/Irish/Filipino. Actually I'm the
total reverse of that. I hate that when people do that."
"I thought it's not good to hate."
"Oh...um....yah. Hey, how about some videos of me dancing?"

Namaile and Isabella Drawing and Napping

"Namaile,
what are
you and
Isabella
doing?"
"Drawing"
"Do you
like to draw
stuff with
crayons?"
"Yup"
"What do
you like
to draw?"
"Well, we
like to make
pretty kine
pictures like
flowers and
rainbows
and birdies
and houses
with chimneys
with smoke
coming out
of 'em and
nightime
with lots and
lots of swirly
stars. Afterwards we like to take naps and afterwards
we like to wake up and I like to make up words that end
with an "sh" sound."

Thelma....Toi....Same Thing

"Grandma,
are you
gonna eat
me? I hope
not."
"No, you
little slice
of pie, I'm
not gonna
eat you."
"Grandma,
how come
your name
is Toi?"
"Well, actually my name is Thelma. My mom's name is Thelma
but they call her Maile. My Tutu's name was Thelma too. But we
called her Tutu. So they somehow felt 'compelled' to name me
Thelma. But what happened was that I looked so much like a little
Chinese girl when I was small-baby-time, that they called me
'Ming-Toi', like the old song about the Chinese Girl. So, a lot of my
family called me Ming-Toi for many years....and after awhile it just
got shortened to Toi."
"So, you had a Tutu named Thelma. Isn't that a ballerina's skirt?"

"Um..My Name is Namaile And...Blah Blah Blah"

"Um, yeah...
my name is
Namaile and
I live with 5
other people
...my mom
and dad, my
Grandma
stays with
us 3 or 4
days a week
and Aunty
Magela and
Isabella
live downstairs. My favorite color is Amber cuz that's
the color of my energy. My favorite band is the Beatles
cuz they started it all and they did it all. My favorite
cartoon is Bugs Bunny and my favorite soda is root beer.
My favorite language is Cebuano and my favorite Marley
song is 'Waiting in Vain'. My favorite Phil Hartman line
is when he said, 'I got chunks of guys like you in my STOOL'
and my favorite wood is Koa. My favorite flower is Plumeria
and my favorite movie of all time is 'Empire Strikes Back'.
And my favorite old Filipino Freak is Grandpa Roy."

Aquarium Names

"Grandpa,
what's that
fishy's name?"
"Oh that one
is Namaile
cuz it's a
pretty fish
and she likes
to swim all
over the tank
and ask all
kine questions
all day."
"How about
that one over
there you old
Ilocano nut?"
"Oh that one
is Thelma cuz
it just hangs
by the coral
and shops
for candles
and eats
chocolates
all day..."
"What about
that coral
over there, you old half-Visayan freakish conundrum?"
"Oh, that coral is named Thelma too cuz whenever
I call her cel phone, she never answers cuz she got
caller I.D."

Why They Gotta Grow Up For?

"Grandpa!
How come
you look
sad every
once in a
while? Like
right now,
you got a
look on
your face
like you're
malunkot,
masubo, 'n
muyeng?"
"It's cuz you're starting to look like a big girl now...
I can almost picture you as a 10 year old asking for
a cel phone. I can also see you as a 18 year old asking
me to take you somewhere with your friends. And I
can almost see you with some knucklehead putting a
ring on your finger on your wedding day. And really,
I just want you to be a baby forever. I want you and
your Magpiong nose to be a baby forever."

Knucklehead Play Area

Ok, if I was
gonna make
a play area
for kids,
what can I
make for
them to
play on?
A swing set?
Nah...
A merry-go
round?
Stupid...
A big slide
with curvy
kine stuff
on 'em?
Retarded...
How about
some big
gigantic
humungus
eggs? Yah
the fried
over-easy
kine eggs...
So that kids
can say,
"Mommy,
take me to
the giant eggs! Me and Isabella want to run all over 'em."

If Grandpa Was The Walmart Announcer

"Attention
Walmart
Shoppers:
In the ladies
section, we
have a bunch
of crap...
In the music
section, we
got the new
CD by some
idiots that
think they
can sing...
Also, please
stop by the garden section where some lazy people
left their stuff from other sections that they decided
not to buy..."Hey, I'm a lazy knucklehead, I think I'll
just leave it over here by the plants. Yes, I'm retarded."
And down the toy section, please be on the lookout for
a pretty little girl in a white sweatshirt...she's a genius."

Moani Junior - Part 2

"Grandpa, tell me more about my mom"
"Well, when she was a baby, she hardly had any hair.
And she was really malikot...
And she liked music...
And she could walk and do stuff kind of early...
And your Grandma really loved her a lot...
And me too."
(Baby Moani -1978)

Aunty Sand's Cool Slips

Man! I never get cool stuff like this baby does...
People give her cool orange/yellow slippahs with a Janapanese dog on top...
From Janapan you knuckleheads! "Yo Janapanese Dog Slippah! Hollah!"
Who invented using the word 'Hollah' in this manner? I want a know....
"Grandpa, you like my slippahs?"
"Um...yup...slippahs are cool...what do you say to your Aunty Sand?"
"Po!"
"Hey, Aunty..Hey, hey,...hey..hey...I...Oh..."

She Loves Her Grandpa....SHE LOVES GRANDPA!

"Grandpa,
stop it, stop
kissing me,
it's tickling
me and
making me
happy. Ha
Ha Ha Ha,
I'm laughing
and I'm now
having so
much fun....
Yippee...
I'm having...
Uh Oh!
What is
that freak
of a face
that you're
making rat
about nah.
Are you...
Oh, I get it,
you're just
making a
face that
Grandma
makes when
you tell her
to give you
a massage.
Why does
she hate to
massage
you? Uh-oh.
You're gonna
kiss me again.
Um...I gotta
go now...
Stop yelling!
Bye Grandpa.
.....Gotta go now you old,
wrinkled, deranged, white-shirted Chimpanzee."

Yoko, She Made Them Break Up Dass Why

"Hey old and
delapidated,
antiquated,
grey-haired
orangatan,
why did the
Beatles break
up?"
"Well my cute
but balakyut
little sen-sen,
they broke
up cuz of that
knucklehead
Yoko Ono. She's the reason why they broke up.
She's also the reason why the Monkees broke up,
Get Smart got canceled, the Raiders keep losing,
the Stock Market dove, price of oil barrels keep rising,
and my hair keeps graying."
"Actually, old Filipino Freak, the Monkees didn't break up.
They're still around. Look in your mirror after a few drinks."

"I Think I Could Have Used a Little More Cowbells"

"Hey, old
freak of a
Visayan /
Ilocano
background
freakish
Monkey...
what is
Uncle Troy
playing?"
"Well my
little banana
split, your
uncle is playing a drum.
That's a tom, and that's a kick, that's
a ride, and over there's a high hat...
Well what do you think about the drums?"

Grandpa Rob Puulei

"Grandpa,
tell me
stuff 'bout
Grandpa Rob."
"Ok, well
when he was
a carpenter
in Kauai
back in the
80's, he used
to fix up rich
and famous
people's
houses and
den. Like Graham Nash. And some
other kine people. So when he got
in his accident, lots of famous people
sent him cards and talked to him cuz
Grandpa Rob was so nice to them. So
always be nice to people K?"
(Picture of Mom Moani and Grandpa Rob)

Grandpa and Grandma's Wedding

"Grandpa,
tell me bout
when you
got married."
"Okay, my
little crack
seed. When
me n your
grandma
got married,
your Grandpa
Dougie Suan
sang a George
Benson song,
"Everything
Must Change'.
He must have
thought that
it was appropriate.
And then Grandmas Marleen, Marcialani, and Jojette sang
"Hokulea". That also was appropriate cuz we were all headed
toward a trip with no modern navigating instruments. Just
wish they also sang "Maxwell Namunamu". That would have
completed the journey. We had responsible people working the
bar so that there would be nobody getting drunk...Pops Wong,
Adam Medrano, Grandpa Ritchie...all responsible drinkers. The
best part was when your Grandma's family invited the whole
softball team of Kanaks to come. Good thing they had their good
softball uniforms on. Yup....that was a good fun reception."

Nah! I Nevah!

"Grandpa, did
you used to be
one mahu?"
"Nope"
"Grandpa, did
you used to be
a little bit
effeminate?"
"Um...nope"
"Grandpa, did
you used to
ACK like one
bakla?"
"Uhh...nope"
"Beeny Boy?"
"Umm..nope"
"Fa fa fingy?"
"Hmm...No"
"You sure? How about when you was teenage knucklehead?"
"Ummmmm"

Grandpa Telling Retarded Stories Again

"Grandpa, tell me
somemore stories
about when my
mommy was a
small girl...."
"Ok my little head
cabbage kim chee,
when your moms
was small kid, she
was dakine bolo head
long time...the end."
"Grandpa, tell me
another story...."
"Ok my little nori
furry-cocky, when
your mom was
small kid, she had
bow legs cuz she
used to ride motorcycle
with Granda Toi. But no worry
cuz she always wore her baby helmet. But your Grandma
never wear helmet cuz she already was hard head. The end."
"Grandpa, how come you always tell retarded stories?"

Grandpa, Does Time Fly?

"Grandpa,
does time
fly?"
"One day
little girl
when you
are a
mommy,
you will
find out."

(top to bottom:
Uncle Damian
and mom Moani,
Uncle Andrew
and Troy,
Uncle Troy and
Aunty Mahina)

2 Boongees

"Grandpa, what is a 'boong-ee'?"
"Well my little butter mochi, that is a bukbuk word for somebody who has teeth missing."
"Am I a boongee?"
"No, you stay missing teeth now cuz you're just a baby. Boongee issomebody who sposed to have teeth but they no more at this moment. Noworry, if you one 'boongee' it makes for fun kine whistling an eating jello."

What's Wrong With These Local Kids?

1. Troy's hat
2. Wearing
typical
Hawaii
kids kine
clothes
3. Troy's
fake
watch.
4. No more
real kine
record
album
holders...
gotta use
cardboard boxes.
5. VHS all cluttered on the shelf
6. Little toy car that Andrew is holding
that most little kids would throw away.
...Oh wait a minute...are these Guilao kids?.....nevermind den.

"I Think You Just Call That 'Aunty Mahina'"

"Grandpa,
what's the
difference
between
'hamajams'
and 'jam up'?"
"Well my
little bulgogi,
sometimes
there's not
a lot of
difference.
The way
you dress
for example
can often be
described as
both jam-up
and hamajams.
Wearing
stuff that
doesn't really
fit can be
hammajams,
but having
your barn door
open is jam-up.
Having a yard
with the grass
not cut can be
hammajams.
A trash can lid
in the yard
can be jam-up.
What is that?
Striking a pose
can be jam-up
and hammajam.
So I guess you
could say that
Bookbooks by
nature are all
jam-up and
hammajams."
"Grandpa, what
do you call it when
you're posing as if
you're supposed to be a pretty model,
but you stick your tongue out to the side
like you're Wacko from Animaniacs?"